Dark Moon Edward's New Moon
by ButtercupSoph
Summary: Dark Moon is an intimate glimpse into the mind of Edward Cullen during the darkest days of his existence. It is a journey of pain and sacrifice of the love Edward feels for Bella Swan and the depravity he thrusts upon himself to protect her.
1. Preface

**Preface of Dark Moon**

I had to leave.

I loved her too deeply to put her in such danger any longer; the consequences were too appalling to consider.

Even as I fled my dead heart screamed at me to return.

If I had listened to it would it have been able to prevent the terrible tragedy?

How could an act meant to save her cause so much anguish and suffering?

The image in my mind was astoundingly beautiful; filled with a perfect all consuming love.

A love I had lost forever.

I had to decide, should I endure a hellish life of torment and remorse or trust in the cold and final embrace of death.

I needed to be with her.

Forever.

To live or to die?

I chose death.


	2. Chapter 1 The Beginning of the End

**Chapter 1 – The Beginning of the End**

Being an immortal, time was rarely an issue for me.

It was an insignificant factor in my life; something that passed as others grew and my family and I remained unchanged.

Frozen.

Stranded.

Now that Bella was in my life, time an important commodity.

Bella, the human who aged while I was left trapped as a teenager.

When I was with Bella, time seemed to soar by and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

Today was a special occasion; it was Bella's eighteenth birthday.

However, Bella was adamant that she did not want to celebrate.

Several weeks previously, Bella had stated categorically that no effort should be made to mark the day. She had forbidden me and especially Alice from purchasing gifts or making any preparations to celebrate the event. We weren't even allowed to wish her a happy birthday.

Alice had, of course, disobeyed all of Bella's rules and demands. This morning in the parking lot at school she issued a loud and cheerful birthday greeting to Bella and announced that a family party was being held this evening in Bella's honour.

Although I hadn't impeded Alice's plans, I hadn't assisted either, not that Alice would ever let me or anyone else interfere with her project.

You would expect a person to be happy on the anniversary day of their birth. Bella was not pleased in the slightest

I was certain she would refuse to go.

My family were thrilled to commemorate someone's birthday. For us it was something sacred; it represented the growth and transformation that was no longer part of our existence.

Emmett was the last one of us to celebrate a birthday, but that was over 60 years ago. It didn't seem appropriate to congratulate ourselves for not aging by celebrating our vampire birthdays, so we just ignored them.

Emmett had insisted that he and Rosalie should be present and they had returned from their travels to be a part of the celebrations.

Alice loved any excuse to immerse herself in preparations for any event. There was no hope that Bella's birthday would go unnoticed with Alice around. It was wishful thinking on Bella's part, and I'm surprised Bella didn't account for that.

I hadn't voiced my concerns about the issue of time and not having enough of it to Bella. I knew the subject was tormenting her too. She was aging; getting older every day while I remained unchanged, frozen in my seventeen year old body for eternity. Bella's concern over her aging was the reason she wanted to disregard her birthday, but pretence and ignorance could only work for so long. Ultimately reality would break through the façade. Ignoring Bella's birthday would not prevent precious time from ticking away. Although, technically I could not reach the physical age of eighteen, I didn't agree that Bella should dismiss her birthday.

The rain was drizzling down from the clouds that overshadowed Forks.

Bella and I had just finished our school day and were walking to the parking lot. We were heading to her house as she wanted to watch Romeo and Juliet; it was an excuse not to go to the party. When we reached Bella's truck, I opened the passenger side door for her, as a polite gesture and to save her the hassle of having to drive her decrepit truck on her birthday. Bella folded her arms across her chest whilst an expression of annoyance crossed her face demonstrating her stubbornness and sour mood.

"It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?"

"I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished." I replied.

"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight..."

I knew Bella would be difficult about the get-together, but I wasn't going to yield to her tonight. Normally I would consent to anything she wanted...within reason.

There was one specific thing that I was absolutely adamant Bella would never have.

Immortality.

I had to agree with Alice on this occasion. Bella should not overlook such a significant date in her life. Honestly, I felt like I should persuade Bella to celebrate, mostly because I felt guilty. If I didn't exist Bella wouldn't be worrying about something natural that occurs in human lives. My kind shouldn't exist. I shouldn't exist.

I was preventing Bella from living a normal human life, and I didn't want to do that. But my love for her was too overpowering and I wasn't strong enough to be apart from her. Therefore, I would proceed with Alice's plans, and try to re-introduce the normality into Bella's life.

"All right." I said, before shutting the passenger door and walking round to the driver's side. "Happy Birthday." I declared as I opened the door for her.

"Shh." She chastised me as she climbed dismally into her truck.

She was quiet on the journey to her house; the only sound was the grumbling engine of Bella's outdated and rusty truck. It wasn't a reliable or sensible vehicle for anyone, let alone Bella, a magnet for danger. I would have loved to buy her a new car for her birthday.

I decided to fill the silence between us, and hopefully distract her from her gloomy mood.

"Your radio has horrible reception." I observed.

Bella frowned. "You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car."

I suppressed a smile.

It would soon become clear to Bella why I was complaining about her radio.

It seemed that everyone had ignored Bella's request for no presents at all. She had received the ones from her mother and father this morning. Although, Alice and I had been forbidden from purchasing her any birthday gifts, my other family members had not. It was most likely that Bella had not considered that they would have any interest in her birthday, she was wrong.

My parents had purchased Bella a pair of airline tickets to visit Renee; a suggestion from Alice. Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper had bought her a top of the range stereo for her truck.

Alice and I having discovered a loophole in Bella's no buying gifts rule, had also got her a present.

The home made kind.

Not a penny spent and I had a distinct feeling that she would appreciate it.

As soon as Bella had parked her truck outside her house, I leaned over towards her and gently took her face in my hands, delicately tracing her facial features attempting to soothe her obvious anxiety.

Her heart pumped a little quicker in reaction to my touch.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days." I breathed.

"And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" she replied, her breath ragged.

"Too bad." I said as I leaned in closer to touch her lips to mine.

Bella threw her arms around my neck and pressed her lips harder against mine, increasing the intensity and passion of our kiss.

The softness of her lips.

The movements of her mouth.

The taste.

The overwhelming aroma of her blood as it raced through her veins.

All of this was more than enough to push me beyond the limits of my self control.

As the emotions threatened to overtake my body, I immediately but grudgingly released Bella's face and unwound her arms from my neck.

"Be good, please." I whispered against her cheek, before pressing my lips to hers for a final time; a swift kiss that set my throat on fire.

Bella had often articulated her disgruntled opinions on my rapid withdrawals from the physical element of our relationship; however it would not sway my decision not to take the risk and let my threshold be breached.

Her safety was at stake.

There was no doubt in my mind that I would kill her if I lost control.

Truth be told, I was taking a huge risk with what I actually allowed; exerting even the smallest expression of affection was a risk. On the other hand, it was not fair of me to deny Bella all of the physical delights of being in a loving relationship.

Selfishly, I wanted more, but Bella's safety was considerably more important to me than my own happiness.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this? Will my heart ever stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?" Bella asked, almost breathless.

Her heart pumped furiously, thrusting the sweet blood that I craved so desperately through her veins.

"I really hope not." I replied, somewhat pleased with the effect I had on her. Although, it would be easier and safer for her if she didn't react in such a way or even reciprocate my feelings towards her.

She rolled her eyes. "Let's go and watch the Capulet's and the Montague's hack each other up, all right?"

"Your wish is my command."

I exited the truck in a flash and sprinted round to the driver's side before Bella could even open the door. We walked quietly hand in hand to her house. The silence was not uncomfortable, but I was. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach; a familiar and unwelcome portent of unexpected and perilous events that were yet to occur.

But, it was not an unusual feeling; the potential for disaster was huge.

What could possibly be harmless about a vampire sharing a relationship with a fragile human? It was a startling sentiment, yet I was comforted by the fact that we were fortunate to have survived this long.

I lounged on the sofa as Bella started the movie. I did not care for the story of woe; Juliet and her Romeo. After studying it many times, the more preposterous it seemed. Their commitment was born out of love, but Romeo was foolish and had no honour in protecting his love. The star-crossed lovers died for nothing. Their relationship wasn't dangerous; no deviant creatures stalked their lives.

Bella came to sit on the edge of the sofa, in front of me; I wrapped my arms around her pulling her gently backwards until we lay side by side. She shivered once, ever so slightly as the cold touch of my body registered against her warmth. There was a blanket hung over the back of the sofa; I pulled it to wrap around her.

I had experienced how vampire skin felt to humans – bitterly cold.

I vaguely recall how Carlisle's skin felt, when I was human and barely alive.

It couldn't be pleasant for Bella to be touching and feeling a block of ice, even if she wanted to but I thanked my lucky stars that she did.

Humans had to maintain a warm body temperature to be healthy.

Embracing my ice-cold form was not healthy.

"You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo." I said.

"What's wrong with Romeo?" Bella scoffed in exasperation.

"Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline – don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake; could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?"

Bella let out a sigh, clearly indicating that she did not concur with my judgment.

"Do you want me to watch this alone?"

"No, I'll mostly be watching you, anyway. Will you cry?" As I spoke, I delicately stroked her smooth skin, relishing the feeling of warmth on my fingertips.

"Probably, if I'm paying attention."

"I won't distract you then." I replied, before lightly kissing her hair.

I could view the movie in my mind, even though I was actually watching it on the screen. The majority of my attention was focused on Bella, always touching her and occasionally kissing her neck, hands, and hair. At the same time as I watched her reactions to the movie I whispered Romeo's lines into her ear.

Bella cringed at the violence, and wept at the star-crossed lover's suicide towards the end.

I chuckled lightly at her emotion.

She was so unequivocally human.

It was only a story.

Fiction.

"I'll admit I do sort of envy him here." I said, as I dried the tears from her cheeks.

"She's very pretty." Bella sniffed.

I jeered, hurt and incensed at the fact that Bella thought I was referring to Juliet's appearance. As far as I was concerned there was no comparison, no-one could hold a candle to my Bella and her beauty.

"I don't envy him the girl – just the ease of suicide."

Bella's mouth popped open in a gasp. "What?"

"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many times Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning...after he realised what he'd become...And he's clearly still in excellent health."

Suicide is for a vampire, apparently impossible.

I wasn't quite sure why I was sharing this with Bella...probably to scare her, and make her realise that my family and I did not want to be what we are. We did not desire the existence that had been forced on us. Being with each other as a coven was the only thing we appreciated...we were a family.

We desperately held on to what humanity we had left. We wanted to be human.

My family didn't want this life, I didn't want this life and now that I had something to live for, I yearned to retain my humanity more than ever.

I had my Bella.

Bella squirmed in my arms uncomfortably and turned to face me.

"What are you talking about? What do you mean; this is something you had to think about once?"

The memory surfaced automatically in my mind. It took no conscious effort on my part to generate the mental images or the feelings that accompanied the pictures.

It was a vivid memory that took me back six months; back to the spring, the season of new beginnings and new life.

I was racing to find a missing Bella.

She had gone to a merciless vampire to sacrifice herself.

I was frantic, profoundly concerned for Bella's safety; how could she be so careless?

No one would take her away from me.

I suppressed a growl of anger at the memory, before forcing myself out of my horrible reverie

It was extremely difficult to think about.

It was even harder to talk about.

"Last spring, when you were...nearly killed. Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not easy for me as it is for a human."

Confusion and fear washed over Bella.

She shook her head as if to moderate her own dark visions.

Bella's fingers touched the scar on her hand...where James had almost...very nearly killed her or condemned her to a fate worse than death.

"Contingency plans?" Bella repeated my own words as a question.

I was surprised she didn't automatically comprehend – there was nothing for me if Bella did not exist.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you...But I wasn't sure how to do it – I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help... so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."

Death would be peaceful compared to living in a world without my Bella.

"What is the Volturi?" Bella asked, her raised voice, edged with anger.

"The Volturi are a family; a very old, very powerful vampire family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to royalty I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy before he settled in America." I explained.

I had once given Bella a concise version of Carlisle's history, and shown her pictures; one in particular was of Carlisle with Aro, Caius and Marcus – The impenetrable and indestructible Volturi leaders.

"Do you remember the story?" I asked Bella.

"Of course I remember."

"Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi, not unless you want to die – or whatever it is we do."

Bella grabbed my face between her hands. I stared into her horrified expression.

"You must never, never, ever think of doing anything like that again! No matter what might happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself!" Bella demanded her voice was intense and filled with emotion.

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's moot point."

Bella's voice grew louder with anger. "Put me in danger! I thought we established that all the bad luck is my fault?"

"What would you do, if the situation were reserved?" I challenged.

"That's not the same."

I let out a humourless laugh.

Bella was oblivious to my situation and the depth of my feelings for her.

She would never understand how much anguish just the thought of Bella meeting her death caused me.

"What if something did happen to you? Bella continued. "Would you want me to go off myself?"

Bella's question caught me off guard.

The thought was beyond painful.

Of, course I wouldn't want Bella to do that.

I didn't consider that Bella's feelings matched mine in the least.

However, it was different for me – I didn't have the humanity to die.

I didn't know if death could come to my kind, or even if our existence ended at all.

"I guess I see your point...a little." I admitted. "But what would I do without you?"

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence."

"You make it sound so easy." I sighed.

"It should be. I'm not really that interesting." Bella replied.

I opened my mouth to dispute Bella's silly statement, but I was interrupted by the sound of Bella's father's police cruiser driving down the street. It was futile to argue the matter with Bella. She would undoubtedly remain difficult and uncompromising.

"Moot point." Was all I said bringing the subject to a close.

I gently pulled Bella up to sit in a more respectable position on the sofa.

"Charlie?" Bella presumed.

I smiled at her comprehension of my actions.

Bella and I stayed at her house for dinner, even though I didn't eat.

Charlie was rarely suspicious at my obvious lack of appetite. My hunger, or rather my thirst, was for the fluid that flowed temptingly through human veins, especially those beneath the balmy porcelain skin of his sweet daughter.

The reason for Charlie's lack of suspicions was because he had seen the physical size of my brother Emmett, and thought our parents obviously fed us more than a satisfactory amount. I had found that particular thought quite amusing.

Although I knew he would agree without hesitation; as a courtesy I sought Charlie's permission to take Bella to my house for the evening. I read only relief in his thoughts, he was quite glad he wouldn't have to worry about entertaining Bella on her birthday.

This time Bella did not refuse as I opened the passenger side door of the truck. On the journey to my house, I groaned inwardly several times at the restricted speed and mechanical groans coming from the ancient truck. I wished I'd brought my own car, it was a pleasure to drive compared to this rusty relic.

"Take it easy." Bella cautioned me as I attempted to accelerate again.

"You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe, very quiet, lots of power..."

"There's nothing wrong with my truck." Bella interceded. "And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents."

"Not a dime." I replied honestly.

I hadn't even bought the blank CD; Jasper had hundreds.

"Good."

"Can you do me a favour?" I asked, sensing Bella's lack of enthusiasm.

"That depends on what it is."

I sighed at her obstinacy. "Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be difficult tonight. They're all very excited."

"Fine, I'll behave."

"I probably should warn you..." I started. Bella wouldn't appreciate any surprises.

"Please do."

"When I say they're all excited...I do mean all of them."

"Everyone?" Bella choked out, startled. "I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa."

"Emmett wanted to be here."

"But...Rosalie? Bella replied hesitantly.

"I know, Bella. Don't worry; she'll be on her best behaviour."

It was true that my sister had shown significant hostility and aversion towards Bella, mainly due to envy. It had altered our sibling relationship substantially.

I decided a topic change was required as the thought of Rosalie made Bella feel anxious.

"So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you would like for your birthday?"

"You know what I want." Bella whispered.

I grimaced.

Bella would not receive vampirism ever, and certainly not as a gift.

It was not a present.

It was an abomination.

Bella had voiced her opinions on the subject many times. She was willing to sacrifice her life to become like me.

A vampire.

"Not tonight, Bella. Please."

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want."

I growled deeply, infuriated by the thought.

Alice would never change Bella, nor would any other member of my family.

I would never ever allow it to happen.

"This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella."

"That's not fair!" Bella squeaked.

I clamped my teeth together to prevent an argument which would be inevitable if I replied.

Bella groaned as we arrived at the house and noticed the decorations.

Alice had been rather too extravagant with the party preparations and décor; especially for someone who had no intention of celebrating their birthday.

"This is a party. Try and be a good sport." I prompted.

"Sure."

I exited the truck and sped round the other side to help Bella out.

"I have a question." She said as I opened the door.

I waited with apprehension for her to continue.

"If I develop this film, will you show up in the picture?" Bella asked warily, as she stared at the camera she had received from Charlie for her birthday.

I burst out laughing, and my trepidation disintegrated.

She had taken a photograph of me before we had left her house.

Although we were technically dead, my kind still physically existed. We could still have an impact on this human world.

I suppose the details of my very existence made Bella curious because until a few months ago, as far as Bella new, vampires were mythological creatures confined to bad horror movies and Victorian novels.

I was still chuckling as we walked into the house.

My family greeted Bella in unison with a harmonious 'Happy Birthday.'

Her mouth fell open in shock as she took in her surroundings.

A party in a house full of vampires must have been rather overwhelming.

I kissed her head and put my arm around her waist in a comforting gesture.

_She could at least look a little pleased_. Alice told me in her mind.

I shot her a quick glare, which went unnoticed by Bella because Esme has come forward to gently hug her.

"Sorry about this, Bella. We couldn't rein Alice in." Carlisle said as he put his arm round Bella's shoulders he chuckled lightly in his mind.

There was no force strong enough to rein Alice in.

Alice was in an exuberant mood, desperately wanting to completely smother Bella in birthday related festivities, but she was fleetingly interrupted by Emmett.

"You haven't changed at all."

"Thanks a lot, Emmett." Bella blushed.

_Same old Bella_. Emmett thought, before speaking aloud. "I have to step out for a second. Don't do anything funny while I'm gone." He said to Bella, as he winked at Alice.

My brother and sister had contrived a plan to overcome Bella's resistance to accepting gifts.

"I'll try." Bella replied.

Alice saw her chance and bounded forward.

"Time to open presents." She chimed.

"Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything -" Bella moaned.

"But I didn't listen." My sister giggled. "Open it." She urged as she thrust the gift into Bella's hands.

Reluctantly Bella tore off the lavish wrapping while the rest of us watched.

A mask of confusion cloaked her face when she opened the box to find it empty.

"Um...thanks." Bella mumbled.

There was a murmur of laughter, and Jasper explained.

"It's a stereo for your truck. Emmett is installing it right now so that you can't return it."

"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie." Bella smiled sweetly. "Thanks, Emmett." She called in a louder voice, aware that he would be able to hear her from outside.

Emmett's deep laugh filled the room, which made Bella chuckle too. She seemed to be slightly more relaxed now; maybe she would enjoy her birthday after all.

"Open mine and Edward's next." Alice said excitedly, as everyone gathered around us.

Bella turned swiftly to look at me with an accusing glare in her eyes.

"You promised."

"Just in time." Emmett beamed as he sped back into the room.

"I didn't spend a dime." I assured Bella as I stroked a piece of hair from her face.

She turned back to Alice, and took a deep breath.

"Give it to me." She demanded.

I chuckled silently along with Jasper; Emmett laughed aloud.

My sister smiled brightly as she gave the gift to a reluctant Bella.

I heard Bella's finger scrape beneath the paper and the gentle hiss as it sliced into her delicate skin.

The luscious scent hit me with the impact of a boulder.

In an instant everything changed completely, the light atmosphere of the party evaporated and was replaced by a dark and deadly presence.

There were now lethal predators in the room.

And I was one of them.

14


	3. Chapter 2 Blood Lust

**Chapter 2 – Blood Lust**

A blood thirsty monster awoke within me as the intoxicating scent of blood threatened to overpower me.

An unquenchable thirst blazed in my throat.

The overwhelming desire to devour soared through my body.

A precious drop of the sweetest blood I would ever taste fell to the floor; a profoundly coveted treasure outrageously gone to waste.

I had tasted it before. My memory rekindled the remarkable flavour, and it was even more delectable than I remembered.

I immediately stopped breathing, unable to concentrate.

The blood.

Bella's blood.

The aroma of Bella's sweet, fresh, nectar had me hypnotised.

Not even half a second had passed when my attention was diverted.

Jasper's fragile resistance had shattered as his demeanour transformed; he became a lethal hunter.

I saw his predatory thoughts as he lunged for Bella.

"No!" I roared as I flew towards Bella, grabbing her before jumping across the room; over the table, smashing through the cake and vases.

The glass fractured and dispersed explosively in all directions, scratching at my granite skin with no effect.

I landed with Bella amidst the rubble of scattered glass and birthday decorations just as Jasper thundered into me with an impact so huge that it made me stumble slightly.

My body was automatically in a protective stance blocking Jasper's access to my Bella.

In his hunter's crouch vicious growls escaped my brother's venom filled mouth; his teeth snapping ferociously as he attempted to get around me.

I could sense a large quantity of blood but I daren't take my eyes off Jasper to look at Bella.

I couldn't allow myself to be distracted.

But I was frantically worried about her, hoping she was okay and I hadn't damaged her too much.

In the next moment, Emmett appeared behind Jasper, locking his grip on him.

Jasper struggled furiously against Emmett's hold; desperate to get to Bella.

His thoughts had no words, just ravaging senses and intense bloodlust instructing him to attack.

I kept my focus on Jasper as I swiftly scanned my other family member's minds. Their thoughts were all disarray.

Frantic.

All of them were fighting against their natural instincts to attack and devour.

They all stared at my Bella with hunger.

All except one.

The one who would take control.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside." Carlisle instructed.

_Right, okay, get away from the blood._ Emmett thought.

He hurled Jasper back.

"Come on Jasper." He said, as Jasper snarled and thrashed in his grasp.

_Need her!_ Jasper's thoughts screamed.

I growled automatically, needlessly vicious in response and switched my stance to ensure Bella was completely protected.

But how could she be when she was surrounded by blood thirsty vampires?

Myself being her protector, included.

Esme hurried to open the door to let Emmett and Rosalie out with Jasper.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." She sobbed before disappearing after them.

I kept my eyes on the door, and my ears alert as a precautionary measure, expecting Jasper to come hurtling back in for Bella.

"Let me by, Edward." My father instructed as he tried to get round me to check on Bella.

I hesitated, not wanting to break my defence.

_Edward! I need to check Bella's injuries. There is a lot of blood. _He said forcefully in his mind.

I nodded and then resentfully moved out of the way.

Carlisle assessed Bella, assisted by Alice, whilst I stood motionless with my thoughts.

The aroma of Bella's fresh blood was heavily intoxicating the air; I could feel it, and I daren't breathe.

I didn't want to lose control like Jasper.

The danger!

The risk!

How could I have been so irresponsible?

The repercussions of my actions over the past nine months began to play themselves out in my head.

From seeing Bella for the first time to the present I had subjected her to the worst possible dangers.

Tonight had put things into perspective.

My overwhelming shock was unbearable.

I was utterly horrified at the event that had just occurred.

If I was human and alive like Bella; it could have been described as a 'living nightmare.'

"Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of you here?" Carlisle said in his soothing voice, but I could sense the urgency in his mind.

"Here, please." Bella whispered.

"I'll get your bag." Alice said, before dashing upstairs to my father's office.

"Let's take her to the kitchen table." Carlisle told me.

I bent down and delicately lifted Bella into my arms, desperately hoping it didn't cause her any more pain than she must have been already suffering.

Carlisle proceeded to maintain pressure on Bella's arm to stop the bleeding as we walked into the kitchen.

"How are you doing, Bella?" he asked, as I carefully sat Bella in a chair.

"I'm fine." She replied, confidently.

I was not convinced.

Alice was already there, waiting with Carlisle's medical bag.

Without hesitation my father began his ministrations and started to treat Bella's injuries.

I stood there.

Frozen.

Breathless.

Terrified to move.

I envied my father's self control and how thoroughly easy it was for him to be comfortable around the blood.

It hardly bothered him, whilst my thirst raged within me.

The temptation was disgustingly taunting.

Even Alice was handling it better than me; she remained composed but inside her mind she was concentrating on Jasper as a distraction, wondering if he was alright.

Bella's blood was more potent to me than anyone else.

My mouth was watering with venom.

The restraint I forced myself to maintain was physical agony.

"Just go, Edward." Bella sighed, disturbing my thoughts.

"I can handle it." I said through gritted teeth.

"You don't need to be a hero. Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air."

I agreed that the fresh air would help; hopefully it would clear my senses. It wasn't safe for me to be around Bella, especially with my barely controlled thirst.

I was just about to retreat and leave when Bella winced in pain as Carlisle began removing shards of glass from her wound.

I couldn't leave her in any pain.

Seeing her in pain was much worse than my own agony.

"I'll stay." I said.

"Why are you so masochistic?" Bella muttered.

"Edward, you may as well go and find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now." My father interceded.

"Yes, go find Jasper." Bella agreed eagerly.

"You might as well do something useful." Alice urged.

I did not appreciate their efforts to force me to leave, but I decided not to argue, so I nodded and grudgingly left Carlisle to continue treating Bella's injuries.

My eyes lingered on Bella briefly before I sprinted out the door.

As soon as I was outside, with a significant distance between me and the house I allowed myself to inhale deeply.

The fresh air I breathed in was unpolluted by the scent of Bella's blood.

It felt like a wave of relief as it helped clear my predatory senses.

I paced slowly, giving myself a few minutes to organize my thoughts. I forced myself to remain calm as I went to find and talk to Jasper.

Two seconds later Alice dashed past me; obviously she wanted to find Jasper too. After another minute, I followed her into the trees to locate my brother who had just attacked the most important person in my world...my Bella.

I found him deep in the forest sitting on the mossy ground; his head in his hands, Alice and Emmett were sitting either side of him. I could hear his tormented thoughts; he was utterly sickened with disgust and guilt for almost killing the one his brother loved beyond belief, the one who was also his wife's best friend.

At my approach Alice and Emmett turned to glance up at me, both their expressions were unreadable but I could see in their minds, they were both in shock. Jasper kept his head in his hands but he knew of my presence and spoke to me in his head

_I'm so sorry, Edward._

I couldsee he was replaying the attack over and over again, his mind wouldn't allow him to forget any more than mine would. As I saw the attack through Jasper's mind, I witnessed how he'd targeted Bella as his senses took over. His sole intention at that moment was to destroy her for the sake of the drop of red juice oozing from her finger. My hands curled up into fists at my side and it took all my willpower to not shift into a crouch. Jasper felt the sudden change in the emotions radiating from me, and in one swift movement jumped up onto his feet and sprinted into the trees leaving behind a silent _Sorry._

"Jasper!" Alice called out worriedly, as she prepared to set off after him.

"Leave him, Alice. He'll be fine. Let him have some solace from all the emotions expressed here." I said quietly.

Jasper would be fine, eventually. He needed time to deal with his actions.

We all did.

Emmett sprinted off to find Rosalie to go hunting in order to sedate his thirst, while Alice and I sauntered silently back to the house.

I maintained my distance from Bella.

I could hardly bear to look at her with all the guilt I felt, but I kept my eyes steadily on her, watching her every movement and expression carefully.

Her arm was bandaged covering the wounds I had caused, although they were minor compared to what Jasper would have done.

I was still blameworthy.

Remorse flooded through me.

I had exposed her to blood thirsty vampires.

Alice got Bella a change of clothes that weren't blood stained, and gave her the unopened presents before I took her home in her truck.

Neither of us spoke.

The silence was uncomfortably strained.

"Say something." Bella pleaded after a few minutes.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me you forgive me."

It felt as if my gut was being twisted in shock and anger.

"Forgive you? For what?"

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut – that hardly deserves the death penalty."

"It's still my fault."

I snapped. "Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own – without someone throwing you into them – even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up – and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" Bella demanded.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with!" I snarled, making myself angrier.

I would rather be exterminated than see Bella with vile Mike Newton.

But my statement was true.

My devastation besieged me.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton. I'd rather die than be with anyone else but you."

"Don't be melodramatic, please." I replied frigidly, although her feelings mimicked mine exactly.

"Well then, don't you be so ridiculous." She replied.

We plunged into silence once again, until we arrived at Bella's house and she asked me to spend the night.

"I should go home." I answered.

It pained me to be away from Bella; I struggled with the anxiety of not being in her presence, but tonight things had changed irrevocably.

Not my feelings for her - no, they would never change.

It was something else; something my mind could not yet determine, but I felt the difference.

"For my birthday?" She implored.

I groaned mentally. "You can't have it both ways – either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other."

She sighed. "Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs." She said as she grabbed her presents and got out of the vehicle.

"You don't have to take those."

"I want them."

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you."

"I'll live." She said before slamming the door shut.

I exited the truck, and in a flash I was stood next to her.

"Let me carry them, at least. I'll be in your room."

"Thanks." Bella smiled, warming my frozen heart.

"Happy Birthday." I breathed, before giving her a quick kiss and disappearing up the wall to her room with her gifts.

I sat on Bella's bed to wait.

It wasn't long before Bella appeared, climbing into my lap stating she wanted to open her presents.

I unwrapped them for her, ignoring the sarcastic remark from her.

I was being cautious in every way possible from now on.

I was pleased with Bella's reactions to the plane tickets to see her mother, and the CD I created for her, which she immediately put into her CD player.

Emotion overwhelmed her as the melody filled the room.

At first I thought she was in pain.

"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more."

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here."

"You're right." She replied.

I had to ensure that she was not in any kind of pain.

"How does your arm feel?"

"Just fine." Bella retorted automatically.

I didn't believe her for one moment.

"I'll get you some Tylenol."

"I don't need anything." Bella said stubbornly.

I disregarded her protests and carefully moved her off my lap.

"Charlie." Bella warned.

"He won't catch me." I assured her, before swiftly and silently sprinting to the bathroom to obtain the medication, and then returning to Bella's room.

She took the pills without hesitation, proving to me that her arm was indeed bothering her.

"It's late." I informed her, hoping she would rest.

"Thanks again."

"You're welcome."

It was silent for awhile whilst we listened to the music I had composed for my mother, but I knew Bella wasn't asleep.

I could not concentrate on the sounds; instead my mind was racing with countless thoughts.

I knew I couldn't change the events of this evening, even though I would trade anything to do so.

I wished I could.

I needed to find a way to rectify my thoughtless mistakes.

My relationship with Bella was wrong.

Unnatural.

The balance between my desire for her, and the need I had for her safety was unnervingly difficult to establish.

Maybe it was impossible to compromise between the two.

I couldn't change that either.

How could I make things right?

"What are you thinking about?" Bella whispered curiously.

"I was thinking about right and wrong actually." I responded tentatively.

I watched her eyes widen slightly.

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" she said in a rushed voice, obviously attempting to distract me from my thoughts.

"Yes?"

"Well, I was thinking, since it's my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

That would be a distraction.

A bad one.

"You're greedy tonight." I stated.

"Yes, I am – but please, don't do anything you don't want to." Bella replied in a fractious voice.

I laughed nervously.

My mind was spinning furiously; I couldn't form cohesive thoughts.

I wanted Bella.

I wanted to be with her.

But I didn't want Bella to be with me.

I wanted her to be safe.

I gave in to my desire.

"Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do."

My physical attraction to Bella suddenly and dramatically intensified the moment our lips touched.

I tried to control it...but I couldn't.

The desperation of passion and desire overpowered me, and crossed the strict relationship boundaries I had issued.

I let them.

I did not stop the kiss...nor did I want to stop.

I just allowed the immense pleasure to gratify me.

I could feel myself losing control swiftly as I weaved my fingers through Bella's hair.

Our lips were ravenous for each others.

But I still did not stop.

Bella's heart was racing furiously.

I heard the blood pumping through her veins and I immediately pushed her away.

The blood was a disturbing, yet significant distraction and reminder of the risk I was taking.

Breathless, Bella laid back on her bed.

My breath was ragged too.

I had gone too far.

"Sorry, that was out of line." I breathed.

"I don't mind."

"Try to sleep, Bella." I frowned at her lack of value for her own safety.

"No, I want you to kiss me again."

"You're overestimating my self control."

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?"

I smiled gently. "It's a tie. Now why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"

"Fine." Bella replied scornfully.

She moved herself closer to me, snuggling into my frozen form and closed her eyes.

Eventually she drifted to sleep, leaving me alone with the distressing memories of the evening.


	4. Chapter 3 The End

**Chapter 3 – The End**

The sun finally began to rise behind the thick grey clouds that cast over Forks. I felt as if I had endured one of the longest and most painful nights of my existence. I had spent the entire night fighting the urge to wrap my arms protectively around Bella in a cast iron embrace that would surely crush her to death.

How could I have ever hoped to protect her?

My family and I were so very dangerous, and for Bella the danger had never been as real as it was last night.

No - I didn't want to think of last night, of Bella's birthday party at my home.

I refused to think about it, but being a vampire, several things could occupy my mind at the same time. Whilst I tried my hardest to force the memory of last night to the back of my mind, it was like it was screaming at me, not allowing me to forget, and not permitting me to think of anything else.

It was torture.

I felt cold; being the monster I am, I was used to feeling cold to others beside my family, but I had never before felt cold myself and I didn't like it. I was freezing in my already icy form. I could feel a new expression shaping my features, one I had never experienced before. It had been fixed onto my face ever since Rosalie and Emmett had dragged Jasper away and carried him outside yesterday evening. Although I couldn't see this new expression, I could feel it. My face remained unchanged; a fusion of shock, guilt and pure agony. It had been this way throughout the night and as I considered my options I doubted it would ever change.

The only interruptions to the screaming memory in my head occurred when Bella stirred in her sleep, which was often. I couldn't help but be thankful for her stirrings because the screaming stopped for an instant. The dominant part of my mind which only recognised Bella, wondered if she was alright, having a nightmare, or even worse – if she was in pain. As I thought of her being in pain, I couldn't help but cringe away from her because I knew that if Bella was in fact in pain, it would be my fault.

Despite her stirring, Bella slept with serenity about her. She mumbled my name several times, but I couldn't be pleased as I usually was, because I was positive that I was part of the nightmare I was sure she was having.

As the morning slowly grew lighter, a different light dawned on me. I knew what I had to do to protect my Bella. Only she wouldn't be my Bella anymore after this. A potent feeling of determination was suddenly added to the guilt and pain that I felt so strongly. I thought quickly because I knew Bella would soon be awake.

Bella.

Oh, how I desired to stay with her forever.

Holding her gently in my arms.

Drowning in the divine scent of the crimson nectar that flowed in her veins. Forever.

But Bella wouldn't have forever; she was only a fragile human, and her human life was being jeopardised by my very existence. Every second she spent in the presence of me and my family her life was under threat.

Bella suddenly opened her eyes; she blinked a few times and then stared right at me. I gazed into her sleepy eyes for a split second and then forced myself to look away. Every time I looked into the beautiful chocolate brown hue of her eyes I was sure I could see her soul, and it took my breath away.

Her restless night was apparent in her drowsy features as she stiffed a yawn and jerked her body forward to sit up. I could not remove the rigid expression from my face as I quickly and wordlessly placed a kiss upon Bella's forehead and sprang out of her bedroom window, landing lightly with a soft thud on the moist grass below.

I dashed into the trees and ran silently through to forest towards my home; as I raced away from Bella I let my thoughts ravage my mind.

I was positive that Alice had foreseen my plan and notified the rest of my family, unless she was otherwise occupied looking at other futures, like Jasper's for example. But I felt sure she would have been watching mine too – looking for me to mount a delayed furious attack of some sort. I couldn't pretend that I didn't desperately want to carry out such an attack, as I would on any person who even thought of hurting Bella. I wouldn't attack Jasper though. He was my brother as far as I was concerned and I knew he would be suffering enough right now. As the newest addition to our vampire family, I knew it was much harder for him to control his thirst for human blood.

As I recalled the events that had taken place the night before, I began to hear the flow of the river beside my house, and I knew that I would be home in a few seconds. The surrounding trees began to thin as I ran past at lightening speed. I could hear the thoughts of my family as I approached, but I blocked them out – I had to concentrate on my plan. I had to convince my family that this was the right thing to do and I didn't have long to do it. I would have to meet Bella outside school in a little less than an hour, and I would have to be composed and try my hardest to act normal so she wouldn't suspect anything.

I heard Alice speak from within the house.

"Edward is almost here".

At that same moment I entered the meadow beside my house. I leapt onto the porch steps and hurried through the front door.

My family were there waiting for me as I expected. Alice was sitting on the bottom step of the staircase with her head leaning against the wall, this proved to me that she had seen my plan and was not happy about it in the slightest. Esme, Carlisle and Emmett were sitting on the white sofa in the middle of the room, while Rosalie stood at the back window staring out into the forest. Jasper was standing with his back to the wall underneath the staircase, staring at the marble floor. He was still guilt-stricken. It must have been unbelievably gruelling for him, having to endure the power of his own emotions as well as everyone else's around him; everyone was in deep shock and very anxious about the consequences of his actions.

Alice rose immediately and spoke aloud, "We're not leaving, Edward."

_We're leaving?_

Every other member of my family, except Jasper, asked the question silently in their own heads. Alice obviously hadn't explained what I planned to do, as I hoped she would have.

"Yes," I answered their silent questions. "We are leaving."

"Edward," my adopted father spoke carefully, "It was an accident, and we do not have to leave. We will distance ourselves from Bella if needs be," _I know how much pain it will cause both you and her if we just disappear. _He finished his sentence in his head.

_I don't want to leave_. Rosalie thought although she didn't turn to face the room, she just continued to stare out of the window.

"This isn't just about what happened," I glanced at Jasper who was still silent and staring at the floor. "Every second I or any one of us spends around Bella, we are endangering her life. I love her too much to subject her to that. I want to protect her, and the only way I can do that is if I leave Forks and ask all of you to leave with me. We will have to leave in a few years anyway to stop suspicions being aroused. We can just leave now. Is it too much to ask, just so I can keep Bella, the reason for my existence alive?"

Everyone was silent for a moment, pondering the enormity of the request I had made.

Carlisle was considering our situation and thinking of places we could go, so I knew that he was willing to leave with me.

Willing to leave the job he loved and a town where he felt truly comfortable just for me.

I felt nothing but gratitude towards the man who created me. He was completely selfless.

Why couldn't I be like that?

He was concerned about the rest of the family's views on leaving and thinking of how he could help me convince them that it was the right thing to do for our family.

Esme was also willing to leave for me. Her only concern was keeping her family together. She loved us all and didn't want us to be apart. Her thoughts also went to Bella whom she already considered a part of our family. Esme loved Bella and adored seeing us together, and me happier than I had ever been but she would really leave, even if it was what I wanted? It wasn't what I wanted at all; it was what I needed to do because I couldn't have what I wanted.

_Edward_. Alice called in her head. _Please_?

"No, Alice" I said.

She was thinking of Bella and how their friendship had developed over the past months. She too, loved Bella and already thought of her as a sister.

"Alice, it is the only way to keep Bella safe." Every time I spoke Bella's name, a sharp stab of pain flashed through my motionless heart. This was the only way to ensure her safety. She shouldn't be around such creatures as us.

_There is another way_. Emmett thought.

"There is no other way!" I roared.

What was he thinking? In his head I could see a vision of Bella with pale white skin and inhuman characteristics, an immortal Bella. I had seen a similar vision in Alice's head many months ago, not long after Bella first arrived in Forks.

"You want to subject Bella to a life of eternal damnation, Emmett? Just so we can stay here for a couple more years?"

"Edward –"Esme started, but Emmett interrupted her.

"Chill, Edward. Bella wants to become one of us; Alice has seen her becoming a vampire eventually. You wouldn't lose her and we wouldn't have to leave. Just think about it." He then proceeded to continue talking to me in his head._ I know you don't want to leave her Edward, none of us want you to be hurting when you do. This way you can stay with her forever._

"No," I whispered.

If I was being honest with myself, that was exactly what I wanted. I wanted that more than I knew how to say; I wanted Bella to be changed.

Then I could be with her without being under constant restraint.

I could really be with her, like a proper couple, like Carlisle and Esme, Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett.

We would finally be equals.

But I couldn't stay with her forever that was selfish in the extreme.

No. Bella deserved better than that, she deserved to have a normal human life; to grow up and have human experiences. How could I be so self-centred and deny her that? How could I take away her life?

I couldn't.

I wouldn't.

"No" I repeated louder. "That is not an option. I won't take her life away, and I won't allow anyone else to either."

Jasper had not moved or said a word during our discussion and I knew it was because he agreed with me. He was willing to help me in anyway possible in order to make up for some of the anguish his actions had caused. I could see in his mind, that he was taking in all the emotions that flowed around the room; pain, sadness, concern, anxiety – yet he made no motion to relax anyone's feelings with his talent. Alice had moved to stand beside him, they were staring into each others eyes, communicating in there own way. I didn't even begin to understand it, but I could see that he was trying to persuade her that we had to leave. I had known Alice would have been the hardest one to convince and Jasper was the only person she would leave for. I let the feeling of gratitude wash over me, as Jasper felt it, he bowed his head slightly, and thought _it's the least I can do._

Rosalie was sitting on the floor now, leaning against the back glass wall of the house. She was thinking about Forks. _I like this town. It is hardly ever sunny here. I like being able to go out in the daytime without the sun trapping me away from people. More to the point, I like the way people look at us here, like we are beautiful and important god-like creatures. But ever since Bella arrived, things have changed. I don't want to leave but if it gets her out of our lives, I will._

I wasn't really listening to Rose, but as I heard Bella's name in her head, I turned my attention towards her. She must have felt this because she immediately tried to block me out and directed her thoughts by concentrating on the mechanics of tuning her BMW M3.

Still I listened, waiting for a break in her focus – and then I saw it and at once I was furious. Rosalie was thinking that this was all Bella's fault that she was a menace to our family, a trouble maker and if it wasn't for her we wouldn't have to leave.

How could this be Bella's fault?

Bella is not a trouble maker or a menace; she is a small, innocent, clumsy, beautiful human who got involved with a bunch of vampires, because of me. Rosalie was exceptionally jealous of Bella. She didn't like other people getting attention instead of her, and Bella captivated the hearts and minds of those around her and Rosalie hated it. How could she be so callous?

My hands balled into fists at my side and leant swiftly forward into a crouch, a vicious growl left my throat while my eyes stayed fixed on Rosalie. Just as I was about the lunge at Rosalie, Alice shouted "NO, Edward!"

The rest of my family understood the meaning of my posture. Emmett ran to stand in front of Rosalie, whilst Alice and Carlisle both put their hands on my shoulders to try and pull me up.

_She is not worth it, Edward._ Alice thought.

I didn't want to hurt Rosalie, I just want to give her a shake and make her understand how much Bella meant to me. She was meant to be my sister; aren't sisters supposed to want their brother's to be happy?

I straightened up out of my crouch, still glaring at Rose.

"It is not her fault," I snarled at her.

Alice pulled me over to the white sofa. I sat between her and Esme, while they both lovingly put their arms around me. Alice rested her head on my shoulder and thought, _Okay, Edward. I will go if it means that much to you._

"Thank you," I whispered.

It was silent for a moment, and then I decided that I needed conformation from all my family members that they would definitely leave with me.

"So, are you all willing to leave Forks? But not just that, I need each of you to promise never to intrude Bella's life again." I asked my family.

_Yes, My son_. Carlisle thought.

_Of course, Edward. I just want you to be happy_. Esme responded in her thoughts.

Still under the staircase, Jasper merely nodded.

_Fine_. Rosalie thought.

"Okay," Emmett spoke aloud.

Alice didn't speak, but I knew her answer.

That was it. My family would leave with me, to protect Bella. I didn't want to think of leaving Bella; it pained me so deeply to do so. Instead it thought about how we were going to do it, to just pack up and leave? Suddenly the word 'leave' had a dreadful implication. It meant I would never see my reason for existence ever again. I couldn't allow myself to think of that right now. I forced myself to concentrate, I had little time left and the details had to be finalised before I went to school to meet Bella. I would think about the consequences later.

Esme echoed my thought aloud, "How are we going to do this? When will we leave?"

Carlisle was the one to answer, "We can leave whenever Edward wants. Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper aren't attending school now anyway. I will just need to inform Forks High about Edward and Alice. I can tell the hospital that I have been offered another job, and then people will think we have relocated."

"As soon as possible," I said.

"It doesn't have to be straight away, Edward," Esme said.

_The sooner the better_, thought Rosalie. I ignored her and spoke to Esme.

"Yes, it does," I replied. "There is no point wasting time. The sooner we leave, the sooner Bella can get on with her life. I don't want to tell Bella until the last possible moment, otherwise she will try to stop us, and I don't want her to suspect anything either, for the same reason."

_Bella is very observant, Edward. She will understand that something is wrong. Do you expect us all to lie to her until the moment you decide to tell her? Do you expect Alice to hurt her best friend's feelings by not giving her an explanation of our odd behaviour?_ Carlisle thought.

He was right. I knew Bella was very perceptive; she had managed to see the flaws in my pretence of human life. I needed an approach that would hurt Bella in the least possible way, and where my family didn't need to be subjected to Bella's pleas for them to stay. It wasn't fair to ask them to lie to Bella. I needed to cut Bella off from the vampire world, completely and without delay.

Alice jumped to a stand, and I knew she had seen my plan of action, and I could see in her head that they would do it.

"No, Edward," Alice whispered. She looked down at me with so much sadness in her eyes that I had to look away.

Jasper noticed her grief and called from under the staircase "What's wrong Alice?"

Alice ignored him. She was still staring at me. "You're not going to let me say goodbye to Bella?" She asked.

Even though she knew the answer to her own question, she still wanted a response from me. I didn't speak; I just looked down at my hands placed in my lap.

"Please, Alice" I whispered.

_NO!_ Alice's reply was louder in her head than as if she had screamed it into my ear. She kneeled in front of me pleading with her mind. I refused to look at her.

Jasper sprinted across the room, swung Alice up into his arms and cradled her to his chest. "Don't be sad Alice, please" He said.

I had to explain myself, not just to Alice but to the rest of my family too. They were all wondering why I wouldn't allow them to say goodbye to Bella.

I stood up, and walked across the room so that they could all see me. My audience waited patiently for me to begin. I started to pace as I spoke.

"I'm sorry but I don't want any of you to see Bella again. I want it to be as if our family never existed to Bella. I have the hardest job – I have to convince her that I don't love her anymore and I don't want to be with her. If she thinks that I still love her, I know she will beg me to stay and I can't watch her do that. Can you, Alice?"

Alice was no longer in Jasper's arms; she was sitting on the sofa staring at me with narrow eyes. I didn't give her the chance to answer my question as I carried on talking. "If you want her to be happy and live her life as a normal human would, without the presence of vampires, then you will do this for her."

Esme and jasper both wrapped their arms around Alice as she started to sob tearlessly. I held my hand towards her and she took it warily. I pulled my favourite sister into an embrace and hugged her tightly.

I spoke gently into her ear, and I knew the rest of my family could hear.

"It has to be this way, Alice. A clean break with no attachments left behind. I'm sorry."

Alice started playing memories in her head of her and Bella. I didn't want to watch so I released her from my embrace and pushed her softly into jasper's waiting arms.

I turned my attention to the thoughts of my family, looking for any disputes to my decision.

Carlisle was formulating a plan and making mental preparations for our swift departure. He was going to share his intentions with the rest of the family in a couple of minutes.

Esme's thoughts were with Bella_. I don't know how the poor dear will handle this. I hope we are doing the right thing. I will miss her._

Rosalie was planning the essentials to pack for a quick exit from Forks, while Jasper was worrying about Alice, and using his talent to relax her emotions.

Emmett had stepped out of the back door, but I could still hear his thoughts. _I hope Edward is going to be okay. I will miss clumsy Bella and making her blush_. He laughed to himself.

Carlisle cleared his throat out of habit and also to notify Emmett to come back inside. Emmett's bear-like form came through the back door and he walked over to Rose and sat down beside her against the back glass wall.

Carlisle began to speak as I sat back down on the sofa next to Esme. "I agree with Edward, and think it is best if we leave as soon as possible. I will inform the hospital that I received a job offer this morning which starts immediately and that I wish to take it. I think the earliest we can possibly leave is tomorrow," I grimaced at Carlisle's last sentence. He noticed my expression and then spoke directly to me. "Edward, we need time to get things sorted here, and find somewhere to go. We can't just disappear."

"Alice and I can leave today and go and get things set up at the house in Ithaca for now," Jasper spoke to the group for the first time.

Alice shook her head. "It will be less painful the sooner we go, Alice, there's no point in delaying the inevitable." Jasper said gently. Alice sighed and leant into Jasper's chest, but didn't argue.

"Emmett and me can go with them," said Rosalie.

"Okay," replied Carlisle. "You and Emmett will have to go in a separate car though. Edward?" He turned to me. "You can tell Bella that Alice has taken Jasper away for awhile, to Alaska maybe. Esme and I will travel with you tomorrow, once you have told Bella that we are leaving."

I cringed at the thought of lying to Bella. I was grateful that Carlisle was planning our departure, because I could only think of the reason behind it. Bella.

I would have to leave my Bella.

At least I would see her a few more times before I would leave her forever; I got some comfort out of that thought, but not much.

It was all planned. I would see Bella at school today and convince her that everything was okay. And then tomorrow after school I would break the news to her. As I got showered and changed from yesterday's clothes I wondered what she would say when I told her, how would she react? I was sure that she wouldn't believe me straight away and I would have to lie through my venom coated teeth for some considerable time before I could even plant a seed of doubt in her mind. I would have to hurt her terribly just to make her believe that I didn't want her anymore? How would I ever be able to walk away?

I swiftly descended the staircase. My family were gathered downstairs making preparations for Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett's immanent departure. They would be gone when I returned from school. I didn't want to say goodbye. The goodbye I had to encounter tomorrow would be hard enough and parting with some of my family members just reinforced that sad fact. I didn't want to be rude though, Esme would be disappointed in me and I owed her and the rest of my family a significant amount for what they were sacrificing for me.

As one, my family walked towards where I waited at the foot of the staircase. Emmett held out his hand in a fist and I graciously made a fist with my own hand and touched it to his. He then proceeded to thump me on the back as a sign of affection. I smiled weakly at him. Rosalie smiled at me half-heartedly and briefly touched my arm. Jasper warily put his hand on my shoulder and gave me a one armed hug, which I returned with one of my own. Even though there was a high possibility that none of us would be leaving Forks if it wasn't for Jasper's uncontrollable thirst, I was still grateful to him. He showed me exactly how dangerous we were to Bella and that something had to be done to protect her.

"Alice." I started. "I know I have asked too much from you already; from all of you." I glanced around the room to my other family members before turning my attention back to Alice. "But I need you to do one more thing, please?"

_What, Edward?_ Alice replied in her head.

"From now on, I don't want you to look at Bella's future. We can't intrude her life like that, anymore. I need you to do this for me, Alice please?" I asked. She simply nodded her response. I smiled at her as softly as I could manage.

Alice walked towards me gracefully but slowly. I could see she was still truly upset. I would have known that even if I couldn't read her mind, because she would normally be bounding towards me. She pulled me into her arms and hugged me for a whole minute. Before she released me she spoke to me in her head_, I will miss you, Edward. I love you, you know, even if you are making me leave my best friend. Please let Bella know I love her too._ She pressed her lips lightly to my cheek and dashed away from me, up the stairs. I walked to the front door and as I placed my pale hand on the handle I paused and turned to look at my family. They stood there, minus Alice, looking intently at me, I bowed my head nodding a farewell and whispered "Thank you," as I sprinted through the door.

I jumped straight in to my Volvo, sped out of the garage and down the driveway. I wasn't particularly paying attention to the road. My senses guided me to the place I needed to be, school; where I would finally see Bella. It felt like weeks since I had last seen her, even though it was only just over an hour ago. I pulled into the parking lot and waited for her to arrive. I could hear her rusty red Chevy truck chugging down the highway about a mile away, which meant I had a few minutes to compose myself and try to act as I normally would. My face still held the same guilt-ridden, pained expression with a hint of sheer determination; I couldn't seem to remove it. I would just have to hope that Bella wouldn't notice. Who was I kidding? Bella noticed everything.

I walked up to Bella's truck as she pulled into the lot. When she cut the engine I opened the driver's side door for her. "How do you feel?" I asked her.

"Perfect," Bella replied. I could tell she was lying because she answered too quickly. Bella was a terrible liar.

I slammed the door of her truck shut and she winced at the sound. We walked silently and at a human pace into school. As we walked I could still feel the electric current that sparked between us, it was like a magnetic force field pulling us together. Soon I was going to break that force field. I know I had inhuman strength, a thousand times stronger than the average human, but was I strong enough to break the force that held me and Bella together? I had no choice, I had to be.

As I now had the majority of my lessons with Bella, I couldn't escape her watchful eyes throughout the day. I didn't need to be able to read her mind to know she was scrutinising my every move.

We didn't speak often, but occasionally I asked how her injured arm was feeling, and she always replied with the same remark, "fine." She hadn't asked me about my family or how they were handling the events of the previous night. I assumed that she didn't want to remind me about the incident to hurt my feelings and was probably feeling guilty; as if any of this mess was her fault.

A debate started in my own head. It was partially her fault, if she didn't have the most tantalizing blood I had ever encountered, I would never have noticed her, and if she wasn't so mesmerizingly fascinating, I would never have fallen in love with her. No, I chastised myself, it's not her fault at all; she cannot help being the most captivating, sweet smelling creature that ever existed.

The morning passed quickly. I wanted to prolong every second I had left with Bella but the clock didn't want to cooperate. It was lunchtime now; lunchtime for the humans, not for me. We were in the cafeteria and I was picking at the food on my tray that I would not eat.

Bella's eyes were scanning the room, waiting for Alice to arrive. She would probably have questions for her, questions that she didn't want to ask me in case they made me angry. I watched her cautiously as her eyes fell upon some students she recognised from Alice's fourth hour class. I didn't know their names, nor did I care. I had never paid close attention to humans, before I met Bella.

Confusion swept across Bella's face as she realised that Alice hadn't attended school today.

"Where's Alice?" She asked anxiously.

I looked down at my hands on the table, where I was destroying a foul smelling human food bar with my fingers.

"She's with Jasper." I replied.

"Is he okay?"

No, he is not okay. I thought. He feels very guilty for almost killing you. I couldn't say that to Bella though, it would make her feel even more culpable.

So instead I said "He's gone away for a while," deliberately avoiding her question so I didn't have to lie to her.

"What? Where?"

I shrugged my shoulders to give her the impression that I didn't know and answered, "Nowhere in particular."

"And, Alice too?" she said, her voice suddenly going quiet.

"Yes. She'll be gone for awhile. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali." I took Carlisle's advice and suggested they were going to the vampire coven in Alaska. It wasn't exactly the truth, but I didn't lie.

Bella shifted uneasily in her seat making me wonder if her arm was bothering her. I didn't want her to be in pain, and as a glitch in her brain prevented me from accessing her thoughts I had to ask.

"Is your arm bothering you?"

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" She muttered.

I do, I thought, but I didn't say it aloud.

Bella laid her head on the table and sighed deeply. I longed to reach out and pull her chin up with my fingers and stroke her face, but I refrained. It would just make things harder.

We fell into a silence that lasted for the rest of the school day. I didn't even bother to ask her about her arm again.

School ended and the silent apprehension between Bella and I had become unbearable but I was not going to break it. Bella was already aware of my odd behaviour, and the newly developed strain in my voice would surely raise her suspicions further, but the biting pain that was searing through my body made it impossible to speak in my normal smooth voice.

"You'll come over later tonight?" Bella asked.

Surprise flickered across my face as she said the word 'later'. This was one of the times where I wished I was able to read her mind. Why didn't she want me to come over now? Where was she going? I would have to ask her, but I didn't want to sound too curious.

"Later?"

"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs Newton to get yesterday off."

"Oh." I murmured

I felt slightly frustrated with Mike Newton's mother for depriving me from spending precious time with Bella.

"So you will come over when I'm home thought, right?" Bella asked guardedly.

"If you want me to." I replied.

"I will always want you." She said the tone of her voice rising slightly to emphasize the words and I felt my cold, dead heart sting.

"All right then." I said casually as I opened the truck door for her. I leaned in and placed a soft kiss to her forehead, before I shut the rusty door of the cab. I turned without a second glance to Bella and walked swiftly to my Volvo, feeling my heart sting for a second time. I was in my car and speeding away before Bella had even started her engine.

I had a few hours before Bella finished work at Newton's, and I didn't particularly want to go to the place that would no longer be my home tomorrow. Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett would be gone by now, and the house would feel empty.

I couldn't stand being away from Bella at all. Not while she was at work, or while I left her house only to return later through her bedroom window when her father was asleep. Ever since Bella made her grand appearance in my life, I had been so entirely altered that I knew I wouldn't be able to live without her. She was a part of me; she was my other half. My chest felt hollow when I wasn't with her because I left my heart with her always. How was I going to handle being away from her? I needed to try and plan how I could possibly survive without her, but it was just too upsetting. No, I thought to myself, I would only think about that afterwards when I had no choice.

I made the decision to hunt. I didn't ever underestimate my self-control while I was around Bella, it was too dangerous. It was obvious that she was frustrated with my recent behaviour. Maybe if I quenched my thirst, Bella would think I had relaxed and follow suit.

Driving at full speed, I was home in minutes. Bella was scared of my driving. She thought I was reckless so I slowed down as much as I could manage whenever she was in the car, just to sooth her mind a little. Not that I would never crash, or be in an accident whilst driving, my vampire reflexes were so advanced that I was well equipped to avoid such a catastrophe. I should drive slower when Bella is in the car. Even if a collision occurred, I would be able to walk away unscathed, but Bella would never survive. She was so fragile, so breakable. Normally, driving fast gave me a feeling of ecstasy, but not today. Today everything was different. My aspirations were in ruins and that had altered me acutely.

I always tried my upmost to be extremely careful with Bella. I could easily crush her mandible into splinters of bone, just by stroking her cheek.

Bella believed I had a superpower of self control, but she was mistaken. My carefulness with her was extraordinarily difficult to maintain. My throat burned like the fiery pits of hell whenever her scent registered with me. It was very uncomfortable, but bearable due to the fact that my desire for Bella as my soul mate was stronger than my craving for her blood.

Bella's human hormones often pushed me to the very edge of my threshold, resulting in me shoving her away as gently as I could while I channelled my excesses. I wished that my self control was as easy to master as my actual vampire talent of mind-reading.

I found the power to read minds very convenient and awfully interesting. It allowed me to access people's thoughts, which could be considered as an invasion of privacy, but it wasn't like I could stop it. Often I found myself answering people's thoughts when they weren't even communicating with me and that was irritating. Mind-reading wasn't always good; sometimes it was difficult to hear certain things going through other's minds and I was left feeling embarrassed or like some sleazy voyeur. I couldn't access Bella's thoughts, but she preferred it that way, so I didn't complain. What I wouldn't give though, to decipher her mind and see how it worked. It would be an honour to enter such an amazing place.

I didn't park my car in the garage. As soon as I had finished hunting I would be going to the Swan Residence, therefore I parked directly in front of the big white house. I could have left my car anywhere in town, or even at Bella's, but that may look slightly suspicious when I returned from the forest with gold eyes and non-existent purple bags under my eyes. I had to maintain the human pretence that my family and I had been striving to maintain for so long. After all being a Cullen was about being responsible and trying to fit in.

I exited my car and set off into the trees searching with my nose for the most appealing scent of the 'vegetarian' diet that I lived on. Allowing instinct to dominate my body and mind, I scanned the surrounding forest for any signs of danger or prey. About two miles north-east I heard the thump of animal feet against the soggy ground. Without conscious thought I raced in that direction. I saw the herd of deer when I was about half a mile away. They did not hear my approach, and as I drew nearer I pounced on the largest deer tackling it to the ground and forcing my razor-sharp teeth into its neck. It was doomed before it even registered my presence.

After I finished with the deer, I located and drained two elk roaming near the clearing where my family and I enjoyed playing baseball whenever a thunderstorm was roaring over Forks. Last time we had played was in the spring, and Bella had come along to watch. I put her in grave danger then too. She wasn't just a potential victim of the vampires in my family. To other vampires that passed through the area she was prey. One of the passing vampires that we encountered in the ball field last spring was a tracker and he wanted her…badly. My defensive reaction to James's intended attack had played a large part in that. Killing the fragile human girl that was protected by a large coven was an exciting challenge for him; he would never give up until his quarry was slain. He would have killed my Bella in the ballet studio in Phoenix if I had arrived a minute later.

Bella spent so much time with my family that her scent was around us, if a vampire who lived on our natural diet of human blood crossed her scent, she would instantly become their prey.

My thirst was satisfied, so I made my way back to my house to pick up my car and go to Bella's. Her father, Charlie would be suspicious if I arrived without it. I raced through town, and arrived at Bella's early. She would only just be finishing work now. To avoid being alone with her and enduring the unnerving silence, I decided to go and wait inside with Charlie even though he was clearly uncomfortable in my presence. He was still annoyed with me after thinking that I was responsible for Bella's sudden departure to Phoenix, in reality he was quite correct, however Charlie didn't know the terrifying truth that prompted her abrupt exit from Forks. He only let me in the house because he was eternally grateful to both Carlisle and Alice for helping his daughter when she was gravely injured after the 'accident' and didn't want to offend them, and also I guess, because it made Bella happy. Bella was the most important person in his life and he loved her dearly. He was an introverted man and didn't express much emotion around her, but I could see it in his mind.

"Hello Edward." Charlie greeted me as he opened the front door.

"Good evening, Charlie. I'm a little early; could I come in and wait?" I asked courteously.

"Sure."

I went into the living room and took a seat in the arm chair – a very human thing to do, while Charlie ambled into the kitchen. The television was on, flickering with commercials.

"Do you want some pizza, Edward?" He asked as he walked into the living room and held a pizza box out towards me. The vile stench of the cold human food made my nose wrinkle is disgust.

"No, Thank you, Charlie. I had a meal with my family earlier." I lied. Well I had sated my hunger, or rather my thirst before I arrived at Bella's and that could be considered as a meal. Charlie just nodded, pulled his arm back and strolled back into the kitchen. The pizza not only smelt bad, it looked disgusting.

_The game should be starting in a minute._ Charlie was thinking about the baseball game he was planning to watch. He came back into the living room and sprawled across the sofa.

Outside, in the distance I could hear Bella's Chevy chugging down the road. Charlie was too absorbed in the baseball game to speak, which didn't bother me, I was concentrating on Bella's arrival. I listened as her old truck heaved onto the driveway, the engine died as she pulled her keys out of the ignition. Was that what it would be like for me? When I would disconnect myself from Bella, would I become lifeless? It certainly felt that way, when I thought about it.

The front door opened and at the same time I caught Bella's scent. She was finally here.

"Dad? Edward?" She called.

"In here." Charlie replied.

I fixed my eyes on the television as Bella entered the room, not looking up to greet her.

"Hi." Bella said weakly.

I didn't respond.

"Hey, Bella." Charlie said without looking up. "We had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."

"Okay."

Bella stood in the doorway, obviously waiting for some kind of response from me. I turned to look at her. She looked breathtakingly beautiful standing there, her hair and face glistening with raindrops. I had never seen Bella wear makeup, except on one special occasion, the prom, when Alice had made Bella suffer the ordeal of one of her make-over's. Bella didn't need to wear makeup though; she had a natural beauty that radiated from her.

I gave her a weak smile; it was all that I could manage. "I'll be right behind you" I said encouraging her to go ahead and get some food from the kitchen. Her eyes widened in shock as I turned my attention back to the television. Usually, I would have gone straight with her, but I wasn't doing anything normal today. It must have been very confusing for Bella, seeing such a dramatic change in me. Maybe I should have gone with her to ease the bewilderment I was sure she was feeling; it may have also reduced her speculative scrutiny of my recent behaviour. Honestly I couldn't bear to look at her, knowing what I would do tomorrow, but I conversely I couldn't bear to be away from her either.

I decided to initiate a conversation with Charlie about the game and we both started commenting on the players from each team. Bella was too quiet in the kitchen, I knew she would be listening and I heard a small giggle. It finished as soon as it had begun, but it was enough to make me float out of my own mind for a moment. It sounded so sweet and light-hearted. It could only be Bella's laugh. I longed to know what she was thinking about.

Bella descended the stairs slowly. She has been using her birthday present from Charlie upstairs in her room, most likely to fill the new scrapbook she had been given by her mother, Renee. Alice had suggested this on the morning of her birthday. Was that only yesterday? Yesterday felt like a lifetime ago.

Bella leaned around the corner of the doorway to the living room with the camera in her hand and snapped a picture. I looked at her, pretending that I hadn't noticed her presence.

"What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie grunted.

"Oh, come on." She moved her lips as she tried to smile and continued, "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."

_Yeah right. _Charlie thought. And then spoke aloud, "Why are you taking pictures of me, though?"

"Because you are so handsome; and because, you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects."

"For God's sake. Do I have to?" Charlie muttered under his breath so quietly that Bella couldn't hear him with her human ears.

"Hey, Edward." She said without looking at me. "Take one of me and my dad together."

She threw the camera in my direction as she went to sit on the floor, beside her father who was sitting on the sofa.

Charlie sighed.

Bella stared at the camera with a blank expression. I wanted to see her smile.

"You need to smile, Bella." I told her. She turned up the corners of her mouth into a weak smile, as I took the photograph. Bella's attempt at a smile wasn't her usual dazzling grin, but it was enough to warm my chilled, aching heart for just a moment.

"Let me take one of you kids." Charlie said. _Then maybe I won't have to pose for any more of these stupid pictures. _He finished in his head.

I gently threw the camera to him as Bella got up and came to stand next me. I placed my arm lightly around her shoulders, barely touching her. She embraced me tightly even for a human. Her arms linked firmly around my waist as if she didn't' want to let me go. A warm feeling crept up my spine at her touch. I didn't want to let her go either.

"Enough pictures for tonight." Charlie declared. "You don't have to use the whole roll now."

I dropped my arm from Bella's shoulder turning to break out of her grasp and sat back down in the armchair. She hesitated and then went to sit on the sofa next to Charlie.

When the game finished, I rose out of the chair to indicate my departure.

"I'd better get home."

"See ya." Charlie replied aloud whilst thinking, _finally he is going._

Bella followed me outside to my car and I knew she was going to ask if I would stay. I always stayed with Bella at night. But not tonight; I was distancing myself from her purposely. She needed to know that something was very wrong in our relationship. Hopefully it would go some small way to preparing her for what was coming tomorrow; maybe it would make it easier for her to believe.

"Not tonight." I said gravely. She wouldn't know that I planned on coming back when she was asleep. It surprised me when Bella's face remained composed as I told her I wouldn't be staying with her tonight. Had she been expecting that I wouldn't?

I got into my Volvo and sped away leaving Bella standing in the rain without a parting word. I felt insanely guilty for my recent behaviour; it was unfair to treat her this way, but I was convinced it would be easier in the long term. If I could somehow destabilize the devotion that held us together, it would ruin the confidence that Bella held in our relationship. It would make impending event less painful; at least I hoped it would. I wondered what Bella thought of the way I had been conducting myself, or what conclusion had she come to about it. She probably thought it was just a reaction to Jasper's thirsty attack, and that I was still angry. I wished that was the case.

As I drove through Forks, I let my thoughts wander to what I might do when I left town; when I left Bella. Since I'd met her, the purpose of my existence was to keep Bella from harm – it was a full time occupation. I hadn't realised that the one danger I should have been protecting her from, was in fact me. I had shielded her from the dangers that threatened the humans of this world, when I should have been shielding her from myself. What if it had been me, instead of Jasper? No. I couldn't bear to think of that.

What would I do after tomorrow, when I would no longer be around to keep Bella safe from harm? I would be staying away from her – to keep her safe.

Should I matriculate again, or should I immerse myself into a new hobby?

I would definitely need an activity of some sort to distract myself from thinking of Bella constantly. Although I knew without a doubt that I would always see her face, hear her voice and smell her exquisite scent everyday, in my memory; for the rest of eternity.

When I arrived back at my family's house, I wanted nothing more than to be alone and count the seconds until I could see Bella again. I could hear Carlisle and Esme inside the house, they were packing up belongings to take with us tomorrow; I decided to go and help, rather than be even more selfish. I owed my family; I needed to show them the depth of my gratitude for their understanding and cooperation. My family really liked the town of Forks in Washington State. After dwelling here for over two years; it was a place where they felt truly comfortable. Of all the countless times we had relocated – Forks felt most like home, to all of us.

Maybe Forks felt like home to me because Bella was here. She was my home. I felt as if she was the very reason I existed, like she was a part of me. As a vampire I wasn't convinced that I had a soul, but if I did have one it would be intertwined with Bella's.

I felt uncomfortable asking my family to leave the place they thought of as home, but I had done it for all of them many times and now it was their turn to do it for me. As a man in love, leaving the love of his life, or rather existence, wasn't I allowed to be a little selfish in order to protect my love?

The house was too quiet, eerie even without my absent siblings. Ithaca was a three day drive for humans driving at the speed limit. It would only take Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett one day, driving at almost twice the speed limit without having to stop for the human requirements of food and rest. They would only have to stop to re-fuel. It was quite impressive that we could drive straight from one side of the United States to the other in that amount of time. I would be making that the same journey tomorrow.

I loved the thrill of driving fast, feeling the purr of the engine beneath me, but tomorrow's journey was not going to be enjoyable. The only reason I would be driving so fast is to make sure I was far enough away from Bella to keep to keep her from getting hurt even more.

I hadn't decided what I was going to do in Ithaca yet. I didn't relish the thought of spending time with the loving couples that constituted my family. I would of course be the exception; I would be alone. Maybe I should take a different trip; go somewhere uninhabited and wallow in my wretched misery in isolation.

Carlisle and Esme were waiting for me when I walked into the house. They were surrounded by cardboard boxes of items they didn't want to leave behind. After all, we wouldn't be coming back here. Not for many years or even decades.

I would never come back to Forks. Ever. It would always be a painful reminder of Bella and our time together.

_Edward. _Carlisle greeted me with a polite smile. Esme walked towards me, her arms outstretched. When she reached me, she caught me in a gentle embrace.

"How was your day, dear?" She asked as she pulled away to look at me.

Concern crossed her face. _Oh. Not good by the look of it. I've never seen Edward look so emotionally drained. It must be really hurting him, to leave Bella._

"I'm fine, Esme." I lied.

Her eyebrows pulled together creating worry lines on her forehead.

"Really." I said to ease her worry. I didn't want her to worry about me. "I'm just going to miss her."

_Are you sure you are okay, Edward? You know I worry about you._

"Yes." I replied, trying to compose my voice, so she would believe me. I don't think she did. Esme had been waiting decades for me to find someone who meant as much to me, as Carlisle meant to her; my other half, my soul mate, my reason for existing. She was overjoyed when Bella came into my life because she saw the marked change in me. I was no longer an empty creature that existed with no real purpose, I was a loving man who made plans and enjoyed each day. It would crush her to be away from Carlisle, and she knew I would feel just as broken when I left Bella. But she also understood the reasoning behind my decision and didn't dispute it.

"Have you hunted today, Edward?" Carlisle asked._ Esme and I are going in an hour or so if you would like to join us? _He continued in his head.

"Yes, I have. You and Esme go; I'll go and pack the belongings I wish to take."

I turned to Esme and asked, "Would you like me do anything else?"

"No, thank you, dear. We are almost finished now." She replied her eyes filled with compassion.

I was just about to seize an empty cardboard box to take up to my room, when I remembered something I wanted to ask Carlisle.

"Carlisle, what did you tell the hospital about our sudden departure?"

"I informed the director of the hospital board that I had been offered a position with a generous relocation package that I couldn't afford to turn down. I notified them that the employment started next week and apologised for the sudden departure. I additionally requested that they didn't tell anyone until after we had left, not wanting to make a big deal out of it."

"Where?" I asked.

I picked the thought out of his mind. _Los Angeles?_

I gave him a puzzled look, indicating he needed to explain.

"Well, mainly to remain hidden from Bella. I didn't think you would want her to know where we are really going, just in case."

"In case of what exactly?" I asked, trying to understand.

"In case, Bella decides to come and look for us once we leave." Carlisle said softly.

I froze, I hadn't considered that Bella might try to come and find us.

Carlisle continued speaking aloud even though I could read the words in his head. It was like I was listening to the conversation being echoed in my mind.

"Bella is an adult who is certainly capable of taking care of herself." I was about to dispute his statement, because it was obvious that trouble followed Bella around like a magnet. Carlisle noticed the start of my protest and quickly interrupted.

"I don't mean in dangerous situations, Edward. I simply meant she is able to accommodate her human needs such as eating, sleeping etc. And when I foresaw the possibility that Bella could quite easily get on a plane and come to look for us, I thought it would be best if we were to be untruthful about our actual whereabouts. Therefore I proceeded to inform the hospital of a location where the sun shines. Because, firstly my colleagues will spread the word throughout town about our departure and secondly Bella knows we would never go to such a place. She will know we lied."

I finally understood.

Bella knew we would never go to a place where the sun shone constantly. Being vampires, we couldn't go out in public on bright days. Our skin, when exposed the sunlight sparkles like a million diamonds and would make our difference very obvious. Bella would never follow us if she had no clue where to find us. LA was the perfect location to pretend to be.

"Thank you, Carlisle. I hadn't even considered that."

After I packed up my room, I headed back downstairs. Carlisle and Esme were still out hunting, and the house felt truly empty – like my chest.

I didn't drive to Bella's. It was much more convenient to run, to avoid waking Bella or Charlie with the sound of the car. I darted up the wall of their house, through the open window, and there she was. My Bella.

I sat silently in the rocking chair to watch her sleep; I loved to watch her sleep. Sometimes it was like I was watching her dreams with her.

I didn't take my eyes off her all night.

At the break of dawn, I ducked out of Bella's window and sprinted home. As I ran I reflected on the previous night. I had sat in the rocking chair all night unmoving; never diverting my eyes from Bella's sleeping form. This was going to be the last night I could see her sleep; I didn't want to miss a single moment. She had another restless night, constantly tossing and turning, but never waking up. I wondered what her dream was about. Was she dreaming of me? Did she know something bad was coming?

I was careful not to disturb Carlisle and Esme when I returned to the house. I wanted to avoid them so I didn't have to explain my actions of sneaking into Bella's bedroom to watch her sleep. Luckily, they were both distracted, preparing to leave as soon as I had told Bella, which would be after school today.

Today was the day I had been dreading. It had come too fast.

I was truly grateful for my few months of happiness with Bella – it was more than I deserved, and it felt like it would kill me to say goodbye to her.

I needed more time. How could I ever slow time? It was not possible

I did not rush to get to school, I drove within the speed limit, trying to prolong every second that I could stay in Forks, just to be near Bella.

I arrived a couple of minutes before Bella and waited for her outside my car. Yesterday's anxious silence returned as we walked into school. Bella knew something was wrong and it was clear by the distressed look on her face that it was bothering her deeply. It also affected her concentration in class. The English teacher, Mr Betty asked her a question about Romeo and Juliet – the book we were studying, three times before she realised he was speaking to her. She just looked at him with a bewildered expression, as if he was speaking a foreign language. I whispered the correct answer to her, too low for the other humans around us to hear, before lapsing back into silence.

Time seemed to pass more rapidly when no dialogue was exchanged between Bella and me. What was I doing? Shouldn't I be making the most of my time left with her? I should be talking to her, just to hear her voice reply back to me. I should be making her smile, to see her beautiful eyes light up her face. I should be embracing her to feel the warmth of her skin against mine.

I wanted to so badly; but I couldn't. It was too late to start doing those things now. I couldn't just reverse my recent outlandish behaviour. If I did, it would just get Bella's hopes up, just before I crushed them completely. The burning pain in my stomach intensified as I realised there were only a few precious hours left. I wanted the pain to engulf me to atone for the suffering I would soon bestow upon her.

It was lunchtime by now, and Bella and I sat at our normal table with some of her friends. They hadn't seemed to notice the awkwardness between us; they were preoccupied snapping pictures of each other with Bella's camera. I assumed Bella had immersed herself into the project of documenting her life here in Forks to distract herself from worrying about my newly found aberrant attitude. Or maybe she was waiting for me to return to my normal compassionate self.

I spent the rest of the school day fretting about what I was going to say to Bella. I wasn't ready.

I hadn't prepared.

I didn't know what to say.

I was full of remorse and utterly forlorn.

After school, I walked Bella to her truck, where she reminded me that she had to work. I didn't want to walk away from her but I gave her a weak parting smile as I shut the door. As I walked to my Volvo, I started to panic, time was slipping away and I made a reckless decision. I was going to be selfish once more; just one more egotistic action to add to the list.

I wasn't planning on telling Carlisle and Esme. They would just try and talk me out of it. But when I arrived, Carlisle was standing on the porch step waiting for me.

"Alice called." He said simply as I exited the car.

Alice. I'd forgotten that she would be watching my future. She would have seen what I was going to do, as soon as I had made the decision.

_It's not a good idea, Edward._ Carlisle interrupted my own thoughts. _If you can't walk away now, you will never be able to._

He was wrong. I would be able to. I had waited over a century to find Bella. I hadn't had enough time with her. I just needed one more day, one more day to appreciate her; even if that day had to be spent in purgatory of high school. I would gladly spend everyday of my existence there, if it meant I could see Bella.

"Just one more day, Carlisle. Please?" I begged.

His thoughts were full of concern for me.

_He looks rather desperate_. He thought.

I was desperate, and not afraid to admit it.

"I am." I stated.

Yes! I thought. My spirits lifted. Carlisle was going to let me because he knew that he wouldn't be able to physically stop me if he disagreed. Only one more day I thought. If I didn't tell Bella tomorrow, he intended to.

_We will stay with you._

"No. It's okay Carlisle. You and Esme set off today as originally planned. I will be fine. Honestly, I would prefer to be alone anyway, to prepare to say goodbye to Bel -" I almost choked out her name.

Goodbye.

I never wanted to say goodbye to Bella.

But I would have to.

Tomorrow; for her benefit. I was willing to do anything to ensure she would be safe.

I had managed to convince both Carlisle and Esme to leave for Ithaca, after promising I would leave tomorrow. I was sincere as I gave them my word, they relaxed slightly and agreed. They both put too much faith in me.

I wouldn't let them down this time.

I wouldn't let Bella down either. She needed saving.

The house was truly empty now. Everyone had gone. My siblings would be arriving in Ithaca soon and I had just waved my adoptive parents off, promising them once more that I would depart Forks tomorrow. I didn't tell them that there was a chance that I might not be joining them on the east side of the country. I hadn't decided yet, but Alice would surely notify them when I made a decision.

I did not go to see Bella after she finished work. I had put her through enough anguish with my silence over the past couple of days. I hated seeing her distressed, especially when I couldn't explain and ease her anxiety.

Instead I went alone to our meadow.

The meadow was glistening beautifully from the latest rainfall. It reminded me of how Bella sparkled in the rain. Each blade of grass had its own drop of precipitation suspended from its tip. Despite the damp, I lay down on the grass and gazed up at the sky. The purple clouds were blending into the approaching darkness, while others were disappearing altogether, making way for the stars.

As I lay there, I reminisced and thought about the first time I'd brought Bella here. It was where we declared our feelings towards each other. I had kissed her that day; I was positive that I felt my frozen heart beat once at the moment her sweet soft lips touched mine. I had behaved badly that day, too, scaring her. But she had quickly forgiven me for my rude behaviour. Would she forgive me tomorrow? It didn't matter if she did – I would never see her again.

Coming here was a painful reminder of what would remain in my past.

My Bella and all of my memories of her.

The next day at school, the silence still shrouded us but I wasn't too bothered by it, I was distracted. My mind was preoccupied, memorising Bella's features.

Last night, after I left the meadow, I went back to Bella's bedroom when I was sure she would be asleep. While I watched her sleep, I realised that I needed a vivid mental image of Bella to keep in my mind for the rest of time, in order to survive the long years that lay ahead without her. This really would be the last night I would spend with her. I had to immerse myself deeply in the moment.

So that is what I did, all night and all day during class time. Memorising; her beautiful heart shaped face that held her plump soft lips, her captivating chocolate brown eyes, and the shining long hair which hung loose and wavy around her shoulders. The drum of her heart as it pumped the sweet blood beneath her delicate skin, and the luxurious scent that surrounded her.

By the time the last bell rang, signalling school had ended for the day, I knew every cell in her body and I was suddenly terrified. Time was up and I had a terrible task to carry out.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked Bella as I walked her to her truck.

"Of course not."

"Now?" I asked, hoping her answer would be no, because she had a shift at Newton's or other plans.

"Sure, I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I glanced into the cab of her truck and saw a thick envelope on the passenger seat. It was probably full of the pictures she had been taking of everything and anything; including me. I quickly reached in and took it.

"I'll do it. And I'll still beat you there." I said, forcing a smile onto my face.

I raced through town at high speed towards Bella's, stopping to mail her letter on the way, but only after I removed any pictures of myself. I had to arrive at her house a couple of minutes before her because there was something I needed to do.

I parked up and ran towards her house, grabbing the key from under the eave, I let myself in. I dashed upstairs to Bella's room and located the presents that my family and I had given her for her birthday and any pictures of me in her scrapbook. I yanked a loose looking floorboard up in the corner of her room and shoved the tickets, photos and CD inside before replacing it. It seemed cruel to take away items that belonged to Bella, but they would just remind her of my family and I wanted her to move on quickly, as if we never existed.

I darted back downstairs into the kitchen, ripped a piece of paper off the notepad next to the phone and wrote a note to Charlie, from Bella. Just in case, he came home before she did. I heard Bella's truck turning onto her street, so I promptly exited the house, leaving the letter on the kitchen table, and replacing the key as I left.

I sat in the car for a minute until Bella arrived. When she parked, I got back out of my car and went to greet her. I reached to take her school bag from her and put it on the seat in her truck before shutting the door.

"Come for a walk with me." I asked her as I took her hand. The cold touch of my skin against hers raised goosebumps on hers. Her skin felt like velvet beneath mine. She didn't answer so I proceeded to pull her towards the forest adjacent to her house. I stopped at the first few trees, dropping her hand and leaning my back against a large birch.

"Okay, let's talk." Bella said.

I wished for another option, anything; but I knew there was no alternative to what I was about to do. It felt like this would kill me and the pain in my stomach reached a crescendo.

I filled my lungs with air and spoke

"Bella, we're leaving."

Bella took a deep breath; however it shocked me that her face remained composed and free of emotion. I had expected her to be irrational and pleading with me to stay.

"Why now? Another year -?" Bella started to say.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to leave soon regardless." I replied. I did not want to give her to truthful reason for our departure; it would make her feel responsible. She would insist that she didn't need saving. Confusion crossed her face as she stared at me unblinking.

"When you say we –. " She whispered. Was she thinking that I meant me and her? I would love nothing more than to run away with Bella, just me and her together – but that was impossible. I had to be clear, to make her understand.

"I mean my family and myself." I said each word distinctly, while wishing with every syllable that she was a part of my family.

She shook her head back and forth several times as if to say, no.

Bella was silent, while she gathered her thoughts. It frustrated me that I couldn't see what she was thinking as the seconds ticked by slowly. I waited patiently for her to speak again, for the anger to come. I stared at her face – it captivated me. Whenever I looked at Bella, I saw my love, my life, the very reason for my existence. But soon we would both be alone. I would always be alone. Bella would age and find someone new – who could take care of her, protect her – things I couldn't do. As well as love her and make her happy. I swallowed back the growl the threatened to erupt at the thought of someone else getting to do those things – things I wished so much that I could do. I envied the person who would get my Bella. I wanted Bella to preserve her remarkable soul by living a happy life, and to just be happy. As long as that was possible I would be able to walk away.

After what felt like hours, Bella finally opened her mouth to speak. I braced myself for the oncoming fury.

"Okay. I'll come with you."

What, hadn't I been explicit? She wanted to come with me, of course, but hadn't I specifically told her that just my family and I were leaving, and she was not included?

"You can't, Bella." I told her. Her face fell slightly but still no anger tainted her expression. Had I got it wrong? Did she not really care for me as much as she had claimed to?

Was she not troubled at all?

"Where we're going…It's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me." She replied.

Ah, she did care. I was just over thinking the situation. I assumed that she was going to try and convince me to either stay or to let her come with me, in a calm manner before she got angry.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." I told her truthfully.

"Don't be ridiculous." Her voice turned tense as she spoke. "You are the very best part of my life."

I was the most dangerous part of her life, but the best part of her life was in her future, somewhere I wouldn't exist.

"My world is not for you." I said dismally.

"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

How could she think that? He had almost killed her! I grimaced at the memory. Did she not value her life at all?

"You're right; it was exactly what was to be expected."

Her eyes flickered with a remembrance.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay – "

I quickly interrupted her, "As long as that was best for you." I mentally cursed myself for not promising I would stay with her forever. No, I argued with myself – I would have had to break that promise.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" Bella exploded. Here was the anger I had anticipated – I expected it to get much worse. I stared at the ground and clenched my teeth together as she continued to shout.

"Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward." A shudder ran up my spine as she spoke my name, maybe for the last time. "I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already."

I continued to stare at the ground for a moment. I needed to compose myself. I did not want Bella to hear the sadness in my voice, or see the bleak look in my eyes. I took a deep breath – Bella's irresistible scent set my throat on fire, and unclenched my teeth before turning my head to look at her.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

Her face drained of colour as rejection washed over her. My heart pinched. It was so hard to say those words. It was the blackest kind of blasphemy.

Bella had to believe that I didn't want her anymore, and that I was moving on with my life. She stood there motionless. Her silence made me catch my breath.

"You…don't…want…me?" She finally spoke in a whispered tone. The aching pain in my stomach rose higher and higher until it covered every inch of my body. I wanted to shout, yes! I do want you! I will always want you!

Bella's heart was beating furiously, and with each beat felt like my frozen heart was being stabbed.

"No." I replied.

Her face crumpled in pain. She stared into my eyes, searching for something. What she found – I don't know. I stared back at her incredulously. She believed me. I could see it in her eyes. No! I wanted to scream at her. Don't believe me!

How could all the times I had told her I loved her mean nothing? Did she not realise how much she meant to me? Had I not been candid enough when explaining my feelings to her in the past?

I craved to reach out and touch her; to melt under her touch and forget the excruciating pain that ran through me.

Bella might be hurting now – but that would fade. Time would heal the wounds I had created within her. I however would not heal. The stabbing pain I was feeling would not leave physical scars, but it would be part of me for the rest of time, engraving guilt and wretchedness into my very being. Bella had significantly altered me for all eternity. I wished there was some way of making her know how much I truly loved her, how I would always love her.

"Well that changes things." Bella spoke in a calm voice.

I gazed into the forest, wishing I could run away – but I owed Bella an explanation. I couldn't just leave things unsaid, it would cause her more pain and I didn't want to do that. It was killing me inside already.

"Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night-" I scowled at the memory. "- Made me realise that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not Bella. I am not human." I turned my gaze back to look at her, so she could see the inhuman qualities that possessed me. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

I was truly sorry. I was sorry that I was not worthy of her, I would trade anything to be human, but even then I would still not be worthy of Bella, but at least we would both be equal creatures, and I wouldn't have to leave.

"Don't" She whispered. Her face was utterly heartbreaking to look at. Her pained expressions made my body tense up and tingle as if it was preparing to cry. I longed to take her in my arms and sooth the hurt away.

"Don't do this."

I watch her intently.

Where had the rage gone? How could she believe me so effortlessly? Oh, how I craved to be able to read her mind. I was desperate to know the thoughts that were rushing through her mind.

Being a vampire, I was able to experience emotions similarly to a human, but it was easier to disregard them – but Bella's acceptance of my deceit caused a jolt in my body that made me want to fall to my knees and cry out in agony.

I forced myself to remain calm as I said, "You're not good for me, Bella." – reversing the words I had said to her previously. She opened her mouth to reply, but no words came out. I didn't need to breathe – but I didn't know how long I had been holding my breath until Bella eventually spoke.

"If…that's what you want."

I bowed my head giving her a nod.

My chest throbbed as my dead heart splintered.

No, that's not what I wanted at all.

Why wasn't she screaming and begging me not to leave? Her acceptance was unbearable. This was the most agonising experience I had ever encountered. I couldn't imagine anything in my existence being any worse.

I took a quick breath – Bella's scent burned my throat again as the air entered my lungs.

"I would like to ask one favour, though, if that's not too much." A shiver of worry crept up my spine. Who would protect Bella when I left? Who would catch her when she tripped? Who would take her to the emergency room? The thought of Bella being hurt, triggered my instinct to embrace and shield her. I held myself back with all my strength.

"Anything." She promised.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I am saying?"

She nodded as a response.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him." And for me, I added silently in my head.

"I will." She whispered, nodding again.

I felt myself relax slightly.

As long as she lived and breathed – I could survive.

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I never existed."

Bella started to shake, and her heart rate accelerated echoing through the quiet forest. I smiled weakly at her, in a futile attempt at easing her wretchedness.

"Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?"

"Well –. " I paused. There was no chance of me ever forgetting. The memories that I held of Bella were permanently etched in my mind.

"I won't forget. But my kind…we're very easily distracted." I stepped away from the tree I had been leaning on, moving myself away from Bella. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

Her eyes widened as she realised what I had not yet told her.

"Alice isn't coming back." She whispered in a chocked voice.

I shook my head mechanically.

Bella's heart skipped a beat. Not only was I taking myself away from Bella, I had also taken her best friend. I really was a heartless, cold skinned monster!

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" She asked in disbelief

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

Bella looked disorientated. I had to leave now. This was it – The end. No more lies; no more us. Love lost forever.

"Goodbye, Bella."

"Wait!" She cried. Her legs wobbled as she tried to reach for me. I gently grabbed her wrists and pinned them to her sides, knowing that I wouldn't be able to let her go if I embraced her now. The touch of her skin against mine sent waves of warmth throughout my body. She closed her eyes as I leant down and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, breathing in her scent one last time.

"Take care of yourself." I breathed.

I turned swiftly and ran. I sprinted into the forest at inhuman speed. I ran through the trees faster than I thought possible, with a hollow chest and a spirit that would always be burdened with guilt.

I ran almost a whole circle as I doubled back to Bella's house. She had wandered into the trees and didn't see or hear me jump into my car and speed away. My empty chest throbbed as I drove out of the town limits leaving my broken heart behind.

Goodbye may seem like forever; but in my heart were the precious, cherished memories, and it was there that Bella would always stay.

28


	5. Chapter 4 Oblivion

**Chapter 4 - Oblivion**

The end had not been what I had expected. It was over too quickly.

I longed to still be in Forks, watching over her, breathing in her luxurious scent. Not alone in abject misery reliving our last conversation; a conversation in which I had succeeded in convincing Bella that I no longer wanted her. It was the most evil and malevolent lie I had ever told. I knew I was a good liar, but I never thought that Bella would believe me so quickly. Her willingness to accept my deceit had only served to enhance my guilt. Was it better this way? It wasn't for me. But I had to believe that it was for Bella.

My chest was hollow; where my frozen heart had been, there was now an agonizing ache that ravaged every inch of my body, and I knew I was dying inside; again. The agony of my transformation had been transient, but the pain that wracked me now was eternal, of that I was positive.

I had no idea where I was, or where I was going. I was only vaguely aware that I was in my car with my foot on the accelerator and pressed flat to the floor.

I couldn't think properly. I couldn't concentrate. All I could see was Bella's face as it crumpled in pain over and over in my head. I couldn't turn my attention away from that image even though it was crucifying me. I knew that if I took a deep breath I would be able to clear my head slightly. But I didn't want to exhale the last exquisite scent I had breathed in. I wanted it to stay within my body forever.

Normally, I never paid close attention to the roads whilst driving. A part of my vampire brain took over instinctively, so driving became a reflex action. But as the pain slowly engulfed me – my disturbed mind shut down completely and I was forced to pull over. With my brain not working properly, I couldn't allow myself to drive – a car wreck would be inevitable. Although I would be able to walk away from a crash unscathed, there was no point in causing myself more hassle; the awkward explanations and the destruction of my vehicle, not to mention the reckless endangerment other road users. I could not care less about my car or myself, but it made the situation less dangerous if I just stopped.

What was wrong with me? Why wouldn't my brain function?

I leant my head against the seat's head rest. My hands were tightly gripping the steering wheel; I couldn't seem to move them. I stared out the windscreen seeing nothing but Bella's despairing face.

I tried closing my eyes but the image of Bella was even larger in my head – How was that even possible?

The image spoke, Bella's whispered words echoing like a horrible mantra.

'_Don't do this.'_

'_You…don't…want…me?'_

As each word repeated itself in my mind, it cut a new wound within me. The pain was excruciating. It was torture.

Bella's voice in my head eventually died away when every inch of my body had been slashed. It was then that question's started entering my mind.

How long had my eyes been shut?

How long had I been sat in my car?

Where was I?

As I was able to last an infinite amount of time without moving or breathing, I had no Idea how long I had been there – wherever there was. It could have been hours, days or even weeks as far as I knew. My mind hadn't been tracking the time. I wasn't even sure what day it was.

I opened my eyes. Light filled the car, surrounding me. It was dawn and the sun was beginning to appear partially through the clouds.

The light of a new day brought to mind something that I had temporarily forgotten – She was safe.

Despite my dark depression, I couldn't stay where I was. I wanted solitude to privately mourn the bereavement of the only one I would ever love. I needed to compose myself, reign in my feelings and let my brain function – just for a short period of time until I was somewhere alone and remote.

I was almost at my first destination, I had not decided on my second, as yet.

I discovered that when I had left Forks, I had driven into Canada, and found myself in the town of Weyburn, where I had stayed stationary in my vehicle for several days. Eventually I had forced myself to channel all thoughts of Bella and feelings of pain, to the back of my mind, until I was ready to release and deal with them. I was able to concentrate better, but my mind still yearned to think of Bella. I drove at high speed straight to Ithaca, stopping only to re-fuel my car. It was there, where my family had re-located. They would most certainly be waiting for me, and I was confident Alice would have informed them of my arrival.

Driving along, I began to notice things that would usually never catch my attention but today I couldn't help but watch. Couples – some, holding hands, others in gentle loving embraces. How I envied them – They had their entire lives' to enjoy each other, with their futures laid out in front of them. I would never be able to be with my love like that. I had no future. I only had endless years of emptiness ahead of me.

A familiar property came into view through the surrounding trees. The house was similar to the one we had inhabited in Washington State's Forks, except it was a dark brown colour and had a porch wrapped round the entire building. On the porch, was where my family stood waiting for me – their faces free from any expression.

I was not particularly looking forward to seeing my family, primarily because I didn't want to hear their thoughts of pity and sympathy, but more specifically, I dreaded seeing the devotion between the couples in my family. I was afraid the affection they show each other, would push me over the edge of the cliff on which I was precariously balanced.

The atmosphere was tense as I stepped out of my car and made my way towards them. Suddenly, and without me even noticing her movement – Alice was in my arms, embracing me tightly, as if she was trying to absorb some of my hurt.

_Oh Edward_. She whispered in her head.

She pulled back, grabbing my hand as she led me towards the house.


	6. Chapter 5 Breathless

**Chapter 5 – Breathless**

The interior of the house was light and comforting, similar to the house in Forks. Esme enjoys renovating, and always decorated the interiors of each Cullen house in a way that we, as vampires, could enjoy the brightness without being in direct sunlight.

Alice still gripped my hand as we turned to face our family who had followed us in. Their eyes were fixed upon me intently, watching me carefully. I could hear in each of their thoughts that they were unsure what to say, if anything at all. The tension mounted as the silence wore on.

Finally, after several long minutes, Carlisle called me in his head.

_Edward?_

I didn't want to reply. Vampires didn't need to breathe; we just do it out of habit and to appear more human. But we do need to breathe in order to talk, and I couldn't bear to release Bella's scent that was contained in my body. I had inhaled my last breath in Bella's presence - when I had breathed in her scent one final time. I wasn't letting it go. It was the only thing I had left of her, that wasn't a memory.

_Edward?_ Esme spoke to me in her head. _Are you alright, dear?_

I responded by bowing my head in a curt nod.

Her eyebrows pulled together forming worry lines on her forehead. She hurried to stand next to Carlisle and reached up to whisper into his ear.

"What's wrong with Edward? He looks so overwrought and unwell." I didn't understand why she made the effort to whisper, because she was well aware that I as well as the other members of my family would be able to hear her perfectly.

"He's not breathing." Jasper spoke aloud answering her question.

I wanted to turn and growl menacingly at him. Why did he have to feel what I was feeling? – The pressure to breathe but the desperation to keep the only connection that related to Bella I had left. I couldn't even make the effort to glare at him.

_Sorry, Edward. _He thought, as he felt my exasperation.

I should have expected that Jasper would be monitoring my emotions – probably to update my family on how I was coping without Bella. They were all worried because they all knew how much Bella meant to me, even Rosalie.

"What do you mean, he's not breathing?" grumbled Emmett in confusion

"You know I don't know the reason why, Emmett." Jasper answered quietly. "I can only identify the feelings and emotions."

_Edward?_ Esme called again.

Why couldn't the rest of my family have the ability to read minds like I could? It would be so much more convenient if I could answer them in my own head.

"Edward, you should breathe. It's not healthy for you to hold it all in." Carlisle said softly.

Thankfully, they didn't know why I wasn't breathing or realise how precious the air inside my lungs was to me–if they did, they would without a doubt think I was insane.

"Edward, please? Talk to us" Esme spoke in a gentle voice.

"Edward, come on, bro." Emmett said encouragingly.

Alice suddenly tensed at my side and her eyelids fluttered closed. Jasper flashed to her side, as he always did when she had a vision. Everyone else just remained perfectly still. I watched Alice's vision unfold in her head with her. I was shocked to see myself gasping a breath out. I shook my head manically.

_No._ I shouted in my head.

Alice opened her eyes and smiled weakly at me.

"Give him a minute." She said.

All eyes flickered to my face.

The pressure of their watchful gazes upon me suddenly became too much. My throat constricted and the tension built in my lungs. It felt like I was going to explode. I was being forced to exhale. I clamped my mouth shut tightly, biting down on the insides of my lips. I couldn't allow Bella's scent to leave me – I wasn't ready to let it go yet.

My lungs started to deflate as the air made its way up through my windpipe. I was going to exhale; it was inevitable. I was going to lose what I had spent days trying to save.

It happened exactly as I had seen it in Alice's head. The air entered my mouth and I choked and spluttered before gasping in fresh de-bella-ised air.

Alice gripped my hand tighter, with enough strength to stop me from collapsing to the floor. I began hyperventilating, taking in deep frenzied breaths. Esme blurred to my side.

"Carlisle!" Esme shouted. "What is wrong with him?"

I hardly even noticed my sister and mother dragging me to the leather sofa in the middle of the room. I was alarmed at myself. Why was I acting this way? Was this what being apart from Bella was doing to me?

"Jasper!" Carlisle instructed.

Instantly, a sense of calm washed over me and I felt oddly at ease. It was soothing, which I was grateful for. I buried my face in my hands feeling embarrassed by my episode. Esme stroked my arm softly, comforting me.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. I felt stupid; humiliation roared through me like a flame. Reluctantly I inhaled deeply and took in the smells around me. It smelt wrong – there was no scent in the house that I could familiarise myself with, apart from the obvious ones exuded by my family. I had been here many times before but still it felt strange to me – It wasn't home. I wanted to scream.

_Edward? _

I raised my head to look at Carlisle's concerned face.

"Please excuse my behaviour. It was idiotic."

"Edward, where have you been for the past four days?" Carlisle questioned me gently.

"Alice didn't tell you?" I asked puzzled, turning to look at her.

She shook her head.

"I knew you had departed Forks, because you had your mind set on leaving. I had a vision of you driving North, but then everything went blank. I couldn't see anything. It made me so anxious. You didn't make any decisions for me to see, except for coming here today." _I don't like being blind, you had me worried, Edward_. Alice continued in her head.

"So you didn't foresee that I would crash?" I asked still confused.

_Crash? _Carlisle and Esme echoed the same thought in their minds.

Alice shook her head again.

"You crashed? But your Volvo –"Carlisle asked thinking about my intact car parked outside.

"No." I interrupted his thoughts. "But I would of have, If I hadn't of pulled over."

"Whoa. Seriously?" Emmett asked in a surprised tone. "Your head must have been pretty messed up."

"Emmett!" Rosalie hissed, warning him.

"What?" He shrugged.

She didn't answer, instead she just glared at him with her topaz eyes. Normally, the exchange would make me chuckle – but not today.

There was no use in being untruthful with my family – they were all aware that something was incredibly wrong.

"Yes, Emmett. My head is a mess."

"But you're not staying with us are you?" Alice asked accusingly. "I have seen that much."

I didn't reply.

"What about Bella, Edward? Don't do anything stupid for her sake. We need to all be together now. Just because we've left doesn't mean she has forgotten us. Do you expect us to forget about her? What is she does something stupid?"

Hearing Bella's name aloud made me internally wince at our separation.

"Alice!" Esme cautioned.

"Bella promised." I forced myself to say. "And, don't be looking for her future, either. We've done enough damage. Please, Alice. This is the right thing to do."

"If you are leaving, where are you going?" Carlisle enquired, changing the course of the conversation.

"I really have no idea." I replied truthfully. "I just need to be alone for awhile."

_I want you to stay_. Alice spoke in her head.

"How long is a while?" Jasper enquired.

"I don't know. " I said again.

"Okay, Edward, if that's what you feel you need to do. But please, come back to us soon, dear." Esme said sweetly. She understood that I wasn't ready to be around couples and needed time to heal, even though I knew I never would. The wounds that had been gouged so deeply when I left Bella would never heal.

"Don't go, Edward." Emmett demanded.

"Let him go." Rosalie spoke. "He will come back when he is over her,"

An inherent snarl escaped my lips.

Emmett instinctively moved in front of Rosalie, prepared to defend her if I attacked.

"Chill, Edward. You know Rose didn't mean it." He turned his head to look at her. "Did you, babe?"

Rosalie ignored him and pushed him aside, out of his protective stance. He then proceeded to wrap his arms around her torso. The affectionate gesture made me want to growl again, but I held it back. Seeing that was exactly what I wanted to avoid. I wanted to escape the questions, concerned looks, and any signs of affection. I would refrain from getting angry whilst I remained her, but none of them knew of the torture I felt. Rosalie was wrong – I would never get over Bella.

Once I had changed into fresh clothes, I bid farewell to my family. I left my car – I didn't need it. I wanted to run. I set off into the trees and began the longest and darkest night of my existence.


	7. Chapter 6 Darkest Night

**Chapter 6 – Darkest Night**

I had run away, again. But this time it was from the confinements of my own family. There was no pain for them – just awkwardness and embarrassment.

Now I was away from Jasper's calming influences my emotions flooded back to me. It took an enormous effort, and I almost succeeded in restraining them whilst I ran, but now they were slowly and steadily seeping back into my mind and I was powerless to stop them.

I pushed myself to move faster, I could still hear vehicles on a highway a few miles away and I wanted and needed silence and seclusion. My muscles started to ache and my pace slowed involuntary. Was it possible that I was beginning to get tired? I had never before experienced the need to stop running. I couldn't get tired. I urged my body forward but it didn't respond. I felt utterly drained. I came to the conclusion that I was debilitated by grief, and slowed to a halt after another minute. There was no point carrying on. I could only hear the night breeze delicately whistling through the trees now.

My resistance was now so weak that nothing I did could stop me from feeling. I simply held my arms out wide and let my mind succumb to itself.

I waited for the pain to engulf me; when it did it hit me like the stab of a thousand knifes. I cried out in agony and collapsed to the ground as the pain overwhelmed me.

Bella.

My Bella.

The memories swarmed back relentlessly.

The first day I'd noticed Bella – she was just another human. It was like she reeled me in; I was perplexed because I was unable to read her mind, but I was also extremely frustrated. I had never before encountered a human or otherwise whose mind I could not read. I thought of the science lab when I first caught her intoxicating scent that drove me so wild. I had very nearly obliterated an entire classroom of students, just to taste the girl who was radiating the sweet freesia scent. I had to leave town just to stop myself from killing her.

I should have stayed away then. I never should have returned to Forks. But the truth was, Bella fascinated me and I didn't want to be forced to leave town by an insignificant human. Could I have been more stupid? I should have taken myself out of Bella's life in the beginning – that way she would never have fallen in love with me and got so acutely entwined in the dangerous mythical world in which I reside.

So many things I should have done – but I didn't, and all because I was a profoundly selfish creature. I truly despised myself for hurting Bella and putting her in constant danger. It was the cruellest act I had ever committed. Nothing I had ever done had made me feel such guilt and remorse – not even murder.

My eyes ached with the need for tears that couldn't fall. My frozen body shuddered violently as the tearless sobs began and I drowned in my own emptiness. I'd left behind far more than I anticipated when I left Forks; I had abandoned the part of me that Bella still held – my heart. My empty chest resonated with solitude.

Bella made me feel human. I felt my frozen heart flutter when her skin met mine for the first time. I melted under her touch as her warm skin sent a thrill of ecstasy through me. I trembled with pleasure at the thought of touching her. She was so warm and loving – not caring that it was a monster she embraced. Oh, how I longed to return to the arms of my beloved.

I still felt human now, even though Bella was no longer with me. I was experiencing all of the emotions that had resurfaced from the long dead human buried within my vampire self. Emotions that Bella had released.

I wondered what Bella was doing right now. Was she thinking of me, as I was thinking of her? Would she still be hurting in the aftermath of my departure?

Bella's agonised face appeared in my head as the memory of my sudden departure replayed in my mind. I watched her as she so easily believed that I no longer wanted her – as if such a thing was possible! I watched myself run away like a coward, leaving my fragile Bella alone on the edge of a forest. Leaving her there had been a mistake – another mistake. What if something happened to her? I had heard her take a few steps further into the trees. What is she had tried to follow me? Would she have done that? She could have got lost, gravely injured, or worse –and I just left her there. I couldn't bear to think of the consequences.

No. Bella had promised – nothing reckless or stupid. I had asked her not to wander into the woods on her own before, she would know that I considered that reckless. I had no reason to worry – Bella had promised.

I dug my fingers into the earth beneath me, trying to grip on to something to stop myself from falling apart. It didn't help – the dirt just crumbled into dust.

I was broken.

I had been ripped into a hundred pieces.

I would never be reassembled.

Only my Bella could make me whole again.

I kept telling myself – That I had done the right thing by Bella, for the first time.

Keeping her safe was all that mattered,

Leaving Bella was a magnanimous act; I'd done it to save her, it was the right thing to do, I had to believe that. I just hoped that one day soon she would realise it too and her pain would then diminish. I clung to that hope as I curled up into a ball and let misery take me. I was sure the amount of pain I was feeling, was slowly torturing me to death but I welcomed it sincerely because I knew I deserved to suffer.

I don't know how long I had lain in a foetal position – nor did I care. My mind was clouded with thoughts of Bella.

Her impenetrable mind that I longed to read.

Her silky brown hair draping round her shoulders.

Her delicious scent that set my throat on fire.

Her inviting chocolate brown eyes that showed me the way to her soul.

She epitomised perfection.

At some point during the long night I realised that I had replayed all my thoughts of Bella and relived every second I had spent in her presence. I missed her terribly. I wondered if she missed me. How long would it take her to forget me?

Hopefully I had made that process quicker by eliminating all her processions that had some connection to me.

I wish I had something – anything of Bella's to keep hold of…like a photograph or piece of her clothing that still held her scent. I cursed myself for putting the pictures I had removed from Bella's letter to her mother in the trash.

Suddenly my mind clicked as I remembered something.

I did have something that had belonged to Bella.

My hand reached into the pocket of my trousers and pulled out something that would seem so insignificant to any other person – but for me, it was the sole connection I had to Bella. It was a bottle cap; and it meant everything to me

I had saved it from the lemonade bottle Bella had been drinking from the first day I sat with her at lunch. I couldn't bring myself to stay away from her then; I was weak. I just gave in to my craving. This time, I wouldn't be so feeble or so selfish – I would stay away.

I pulled myself up into a sitting position to examine the object in my hand. It was such an inconsequential thing to hold on to – but it had belonged to Bella. She had been playing with on the table, that day at lunch. She was the only other person who had touched it, and that was important to me. I clasped the bottle top in my hand gently – so not to damage it, and lay back on the ground to gaze up to the sky.

**The sky was empty and dark, like me. **

**Where was the moon? The stars? **

**I couldn't see clearly, missing Bella was clouding my sight, and now the sky was black. **

**Why was this happening? I knew I had done what I had to do, and I knew it would be hard, but I had never imagined this. **

**Then it hit me. **

**I realized now that Bella had been my moon and stars. **

**She was gone, and so were they.**


	8. Chapter 7 Distraction

**Chapter 7 – Distraction **

Time passed exceptionally slowly. The pain didn't fade, but I had just about learnt to live with it. I had accepted the fact that I would always ache for Bella.

The past two months of my life had been spent running and feeding. I had largely been running to different places, spending every night looking for the stars and moon. Maybe the when I saw them again my life would have reason and the soft lunar glow would appear and signify a place where in time I might find a morsel of peace.

I didn't hunt often – only when it was necessary. The burning in my throat no longer bothered me. It just felt like an annoying itch that I was able to disregard easily. It was nothing compared to the pain of losing my Bella. I only forced myself to engage in hunting in case I ever was in an environment where I might catch the scent of a human. I didn't want to be so thirsty that my predatory senses took over automatically. It had almost happened several weeks ago. I cringed as I evoked the memory.

I hadn't hunted since I had left Forks, which was a considerable amount of time to go without feeding. I saw no reason to hunt. I had nothing left to maintain my life for. As a result, I felt significantly weaker at each passing day.

I was walking a steady human pace – in no hurry to get anywhere. Suddenly I came across a mouth-watering scent. It wasn't the most delicious scent I had ever smelt but it was still irresistible and it made my throat burn intensely – the scent could only be human.

My instincts overpowered me and before I knew what I was doing, I was following the source of appetizing odour with the sole purpose of quenching my deadly thirst. The scent led me to a small remote parking lot in a national park. I saw my target packing up her vehicle. One small fragile human – so easily dealt with. I ran round the perimeter of the lot to get closer in order to initiate my attack.

I fell back into my hunting crouch. I was just about to pounce when the human turned around.

I froze. She was a young woman – with chocolate brown eyes that resembled Bella's. They weren't as beautiful as Bella's but they were enough to make me stop for a moment; just long enough to make me realise what I was doing.

What the hell was I thinking?

I couldn't devour her.

She was human.

I didn't hunt humans.

I couldn't take someone's life that way.

This innocent woman didn't deserve that.

And what if this woman meant to someone what Bella meant to me?

What if she was someone's Bella?

The thought of some creature killing my Bella made me growl menacingly. Any circumstance that meant Bella would no longer exist would be the worst thing that could ever happen.

I couldn't live in a world that didn't include Bella.

I forced myself to stand straight out of my stance, and turned to sprint further into the trees screaming profanities in my head.

I was a cruel heartless monster.

I quickly ignored my thoughts of Bella's demise, not wanting to dwell on such horrors. I was positive that Alice would have foreseen my attempted attack, but there was no way for her to warn me – my cell phone battery was dead, and there was no way for me to charge it while I was living out in the wilderness.

Occasionally, when I was near a town that was overshadowed by clouds, I would buy myself some new clothes and check into a hotel to freshen myself up. I never turned the television on when I was there, so I had no idea what was happening in the current affairs. I tried to avoid everything and anything that would remind me of Bella, even though she was in every thought that possessed my mind.

I spent my days wandering from place to place – never going anywhere in particular. I strived to think of activities I could participate in, in order to occupy my mind, but I never came up with any ideas. All the while, my empty chest urged me to go and retrieve my heart. The only thing that stopped me from sprinting back to Forks – to my Bella, was the thought of her being safe and never being hurt by my kind again.

At night, I lay down and gazed up into the heavens searching for the moon and stars, hoping that they would magically appear and help me to bring reason and light into my life again. They never did.

I had never felt isolation like this before. Over the past week, I had been contemplating returning to the relative comfort of my family for a visit. I missed my parents and my siblings. Maybe the company would raise my spirits slightly. I doubted it, but still I hoped.

I hadn't had any communication with them at all. They would certainly be worried about me and I was being selfish and inconsiderate of their feelings with my lack of contact. I immediately changed my direction and headed North- East.

It took me four days to reach Ithaca, as I still spent every night gazing at the sky, waiting for my symbol of hope to materialize.

I decided to hunt before I went to greet my family. I located a herd of elk in a small clearing enclosed by thick trees. I allowed my predator senses to take over before I swiftly pounced on the two largest, snapping their necks instantly. I drained the first and let the creature drop from my stone cold hands. I was just about to consume the second when I heard a familiar sound.

It was a light gentle sound of feet running at inhuman speed, only audible to a vampire that filled my ears. My eyes instinctively scanned the surrounding forest for signs of danger. It was then I heard their thoughts.

_It's only us, Edward_. Jasper spoke in his head.

I stood up straight out of my hunting crouch. A second later Alice skipped into the clearing, followed closely by my brother. She bounded over to me gracefully with a sparkling smile upon her elfin face. She was overjoyed to see me.

Although she was happy, she had a shallow look in her eyes. I could see from her thoughts that she missed her best friend acutely. Jasper remained distant – still feeling very guilty.

I was speechless for a minute. I was quite shocked to see them. I hadn't been around others for awhile and it seemed I had lost my ability to speak. Alice's smile faltered as she processed my astonished and dazed expression.

I cleared my throat and eventually found my voice.

"Well hello, Alice."

Her smile lit up again.

"Edward!" She squealed.

She wrapped her arms around me, and I picked her and span her around. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed my favourite sister.

"I'm so glad you're back." She said as I set her back on her feet.

I began to protest by telling her that this was only a short visit.

"I know, I know." She interrupted me. "You aren't staying long."

I gave her the best attempt at a grin that I could manage and turned to my brother.

"Hey Jazz." He smiled at me.

"Sorry we surprised you. Carlisle told Alice to wait for you to arrive at the house, but she was so excited that you were coming, that we couldn't stop her."

Alice stuck her tongue out at him.

"No, it's okay." I replied. "It's good to see you both."

Alice took my hand and led me over to Jasper. She grabbed one of his hands and together we set of running in the direction of the rest of our family, leaving the un-drained elk behind.

My family greeted me with open arms, even Rosalie gleamed at me as she appeared at the top of the stairs when Jasper, Alice and I walked in the house.

We all sat in the living room for hours.

I told my family that I had been wandering around the country and they didn't press me for further details, and I was grateful for that.

I didn't talk much – I mainly listened as each member of my family told me what they had been doing while I had been gone.

Carlisle had been tutoring part time at Cornell University as well as working nights at a hospital.

Jasper was also at Cornell, but he was studying Philosophy and really enjoying it.

Esme had immersed herself in a new renovation project on a seventeenth century house she had located in the North of the city.

In a few days, Rosalie and Emmett were off on a second honeymoon to celebrate the tenth anniversary of their fifth wedding. They were going to Europe. Emmett was excited for the hunting possibilities.

Alice had been trying to research her human life and where she had come from. She had managed to locate the asylum where she had been held captive but hadn't visited the place yet. She had also discovered her real name – Mary Alice Brandon. Somehow I didn't think it suited her. All this had been made possible from what information James had provided in a videotape he made to entice me last spring. I winced at the memory of the ballet studio where James had almost killed my Bella – where I had also nearly taken her life myself.

I was thankful that Bella was no longer in the midst of our evil kind.

I found it difficult to learn that my family had all moved on with their lives whilst I was stuck in the darkness alone. I let my thoughts wander as I went to my room.

Everyone else had things to do, where as I had nothing. I spent my days wandering round like a ghost. I needed a hobby or activity to focus on.

Thinking of the sadistic vampire luring Bella to that ballet studio had given me an idea. James had been a tracker. I had always found the concept of tracking truly interesting – maybe I should make it my new endeavour, to occupy my mind and prevent myself from sinking in thoughts of Bella.

What or who should I track? I had no idea where to begin exactly, what the process involved – I would need some sort of guidance, possibly from an experienced tracker. Perhaps Carlisle had an acquaintance who could point me in the right direction?

James had been a highly skilled – his hunt was his obsession. Victoria, the woman who was in his coven, was his accomplice. I had been preoccupied reading James's mind in the baseball clearing that day, so I hadn't taken much notice of Victoria. I didn't see her as a danger but Victoria had aided James in his mission to take Bella from me, and for that she too deserved to die.

I realised that she was still out there somewhere and still a potential risk.

My main purpose flashed in my mind – Keep Bella safe.

I then knew what I had to do.

I was going to track Victoria.


	9. Chapter 8 Annihilation

**Chapter 8 – Annihilation**

I had made my decision. I was going to track Victoria. Two seconds later I heard footstep outside my door.

"Come in." I spoke before my father had the chance to knock.

The door swung open slowly and Carlisle walked in.

"Edward." He spoke with an authority in his tone. "I have come to try and persuade you to reverse your most recent decision." Generally, Alice would consult me first before she informed my family about my immediate future, but if her vision worried her she would tell them immediately. They were all still very apprehensive about my state of mind but there was no need to be.

"It is just something I have to do, Carlisle."

"You made us all promise not to interfere in Bella's life anymore, but by tracking Victoria you are doing just that. You yourself are intruding."

"This isn't about Bella." I lied.

Carlisle raised his eyebrows at me questionably.

_Is it not?_ He thought.

"I am going to correct a past event. Victoria must be dealt with. I will keep my promise to not endanger Bella's life again with my presence."

I would never haunt her life for a second time.

"Edward, you don't have to do this. You cannot protect Bella from everything, especially when you are no longer with her."

My chest throbbed at the harshness of his words.

Being away from Bella was unbearable – but knowing that I would never physically see her again – sent aches around my body.

I knew I couldn't protect Bella from human accidents – things that fate had in store for her. But I could eliminate the depraved creature that had played a big part in her capture.

"I know that, but it doesn't mean I cannot right the wrong." I told Carlisle.

"You can't hunt down every non-vegetarian vampire that may pass through Washington Edward. It is not rational or even practical.

I recoiled at the thought of another monster being near my Bella.

Other thoughts wandered my mind – Bella was a magnet for danger. She required protection – a defender.

What if another vampire came across her scent? It would be just her luck.

If her scent was even remotely as appealing to anyone one else as it was to me - she didn't stand a chance at making it out alive.

Maybe I could return. Not to Bella. But back to Forks – to watch her, protect her.

I could see her everyday and breathe in her scent, secretly.

I would be helping to preserve her life – watching her grow older and leave me behind forever.

No. I forbade myself. That would be interfering and selfish, as well as being truly painful. I had promised.

Carlisle's effort to dissuade me was unsuccessful. The rest of my family did not support my decision either, except for Emmett. He was desperate to come with me, and practically begged Rose to postpone their honeymoon. I hid my delight when she flat out refused.

Emmett could not come.

No one could.

This was something I had to do on my own.

"Edward. Please don't do this." Alice pleaded softly. "If you want to look out for Bella…Well I can do that for you."

"No! Alice I don't want you looking at her future. Please. You promised." I reminded her.

"But that way is safer, Edward. " Esme tried to reason.

"I want to obliterate anyone or anything that ever thinks of hurting Bella." I said in a calm voice.

Alice gasped as all my family's eyes flashed to Jasper.

He bowed his head in shame as his guilt intensified.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean you, Jazz. " I said truthfully. "I promise."

Everyone seemed to relax slightly, even Jasper. He shot me a weak smile.

As it happens, Carlisle did have an acquaintance who was a skilled tracker. However this was vampire ability – he felt a pull towards his target. Therefore he wouldn't be able to give me the information I needed because his skill came naturally to him, and it wasn't something he could explain.

The only other tracker Carlisle was aware of was Demetri – one of the Volturi guard in Volterra. I didn't want to travel to Italy to obtain information on tracking – it would only postpone my mission. Also, it would widen the distance between me and Bella, and as my nerves were this strained whilst I was still on the same continent, I wasn't sure I'd cope if I increase the distance that far.

Tracking wasn't a skill you could learn through study, you needed experience, which I didn't have. Although they didn't want me to go ahead with my plan, Carlisle and Jasper told me as much information as they knew about it in an effort to make it easier for me. It seemed quite simple.

"You must be attuned to the scent as much as physically possible. Keep it fresh in your mind. Remember it. It is important that you do, Edward, otherwise you will lose your track." Jasper told me.

"You will have to somehow retrieve Victoria's scent from a place where it is well-defined; you don't want to confuse it with another scent and follow the wrong route." Carlisle informed me.

Where would Victoria's scent be the strongest?

The only place I knew she had definitely been was Forks.

I couldn't be positive if she had journeyed to Phoenix with James because he had been alone in the ballet studio.

I would have to go back to Washington. To Forks.

Forks only meant one thing to me – Bella.

I was suddenly excited – I could check on Bella.

I could see her beautiful face and smell her luxurious scent –

Edward? Jasper interrupted my excited thoughts with his own; he had felt my drastic my mood change. His questioning tone brought me back to reality with a jolt.

I couldn't go back to Forks.

I had promised not to intrude Bella's life.

My hopes plummeted and my excitement evaporated as quickly as it appeared.

I required concentration to enable me to focus on my hunt. I would go back to Washington; just not to Forks - I would stay away from there.

I would somehow locate Victoria's scent and begin my pursuit.

I only had a vague idea of her scent, but I was sure I would be able to recognise it when I came across it.

I set off a few days later, alone.

Running back in the direction of Washington, of Forks, of Bella, was effortless. It was like a steel wire was pulling me swiftly back, making me run faster and faster. I wasn't going back to the place where I longed to be – by Bella's side.

I was going back to fulfil a newly found purpose - Annihilation.

While I ran, my thoughts returned to Bella.

How easy it would be to go and see her. To see where her life had taken her now I was no longer a part of it. Surely I would be a distant memory for Bella now.

My unhealed wounds pulsated.

I detested not being involved in Bella's life.

I wondered what occupied her time, now that the vampires had left.

I ran straight towards Forks without even stopping at night to search for the moon. As I crossed the border into Washington State, the light of day began to fade bringing the expected darkness to my life once again. The heavens opened and rain poured down, soaking me.

I stated to get nervous.

I could feel that Bella was within my reach.

Did I have enough strength to stay away, now I was so close?

I failed to stay away the last time.

When I had escaped to Alaska to get away from Bella, I soon found myself running back to her. I had given in so easily.

This time is was significantly more difficult but I couldn't allow myself to surrender.

I strained to channel the agonising pain that still radiated from me and I took all my thoughts of Bella and placed them safely in back of my mind, in order to focus.

I just had to locate the scent, familiarise myself with it and then I could get away from here.

The pain intensified at the thought of leaving…again.

The only thing that would make me depart again was being aware that Victoria was still out there, somewhere.

I wanted revenge.

I wanted retribution for the damage that had been inflicted on Bella.

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes exploring the scents around me. All I could smell was aroma from the bark of different trees, and various animals. I walked forward slowly, carefully taking in every scent and processing them in my mind.

I carried on walking for countless miles, when abruptly two new scents registered in my head. They were conspicuously different to the others around me. Both were the unmistakeable odours of vampires. I recognised them immediately – Victoria accompanied by James. Their scents were old, but still present here. The other member of their coven, Laurent had not been with them. I could only guess that this was the place where Victoria and James had met to plan their strategy, after Laurent had fled to Denali. I swallowed back a growl along with memories, and tried to regain my focus.

I opened my eyes and recognized my surroundings. I was a few miles outside the town of Forks – not too far from my previous home.

My empty chest constricted now I knew where I was.

I was too close.

I couldn't handle this.

All my hopes and desires were within touching distance; such desperate hopes, urging me to satisfy them. I could achieve that satisfaction by catching just one small glimpse of Bella.

I had hunted before I left Ithaca and several times on my journey, to make myself as strong as possible. I used every ounce of that strength to resist against the pull of Bella.

I closed my eyes once again, forcing myself to concentrate. I breathed in Victoria's scent, making it potent and allowing it to fill my mind.

I walked forwards slowly; following the scent away from the direction of Forks. It became stronger and stronger until James's odour was no longer present beside it. Her scent went in a south-west direction. I picked up my pace to a run, still tracing the scent carefully as I left behind my heart again and began my first hunt.


	10. Chapter 9 Focus

**Chapter 9 – Focus**

Tracking was intensely tedious.

It irritated me to follow a scent with no clue to the final destination.

I loathed to be kept in the darkness.

Where was Victoria going?

What was she planning to do?

Why was she travelling so far?

I would do anything just to hear her thoughts, so I would know what her intensions were.

I was even starting to reconsider my tracking skills.

I truly wasn't any good at it.

Was I really tracking Victoria's sent?

What if Victoria never left Washington and was really close to Bella right at this moment and no one was protecting her.

NO. I couldn't think about all those possibilities.

I had to keep believing I was on the right track or my composure and most likely my mind would be lost.

It would be worthwhile in the end – when I found Victoria.

She wouldn't know what was coming to her.

What I was planning to do with her for being a threat to my beloved Bella.

I had tracked her scent south.

I stayed hidden in the trees and countryside as much as possible, trekking up and down mountainous and more rugged areas of America. I was trying to avoid as many people as I could because I wasn't able to hunt as often as I should. It was essential for me to stay focused to ensure I didn't lose the scent I tried so hard to keep fresh in my mind.

I had been on following Victoria's trail for over a week so far, and I was nearing the state of Texas.

I did not hasten myself in my quest – I took my time, following the scent carefully, keeping it strong in my mind.

I would catch up to her eventually – I had all eternity.

Whilst tracking it was a strain to keep a constant focus on my objective, and not allow myself to be distracted by thoughts of Bella. It was extremely challenging, especially since tracking was mind-numbingly monotonous. As a result of being jaded, I frequently had momentary lapses in my concentration.

I found myself wondering what was happening in Bella's world. Where was her life taking her? And the most important thing – was she happy?

I was desperate to know every minute detail.

I desired to smell her overwhelming scent again. I wouldn't have any problem tracking my Bella. I would be able to track her scent everywhere without the slightest difficulty.

I had been so close to her – to going to see her astonishingly beautiful face. It would have been so straightforward to remain a part of her life from the shadows; hiding in the trees, like I did when the sunlight kept me from the public eye.

I didn't want to be deceitful and break the last ounce of trust that Bella had in me, the last promise I made – never to come back.

_As if I never existed_, I remembered.

I asked Alice not to look at Bella's future.

I had made her promise.

I just longed to be in the know.

I could live as long as Bella did.

Well if you could call what I was doing, living.

Living means making the most of life and having something to live for.

I knew I had things important to me – my family and of course my Bella.

But if I couldn't be with Bella, then I didn't see that what I had could qualify as a life. I merely existed, wasting away slowly but surely….suffering greatly in the process.

I was ready to admit defeat.

I wanted to give up tracking and return to the solitude of my misery.

But my intention was to keep Bella safe. The magnitude of this task filled my mind, reminding me that I had to get rid of the volatile creature I was stalking.

As I entered the state of Texas, Victoria's sent got significantly stronger – was it possible she was still here? Was I nearing the end of my quest?

My determination intensified.

She was near.

I could feel it.

Long awaited revenge would soon be mine.

My speed quickened – I was desperate to finish this. I dodge the surrounding trees swiftly, still staying inconspicuous and out of the bright sunlight that shone through the sky.

Suddenly, I skidded to a halt. Victoria's scent split into two directions – one further south and the other in an east direction. I thought this was strange, unless she had been at this exact location more than once recently? That was the only possible conclusion I could come to.

In effort to help me decide which scent to follow, I wanted to call Alice and ask if she could see Victoria's current and future destinations.

Would Alice be able to see visions of Victoria?

I doubted it – Alice probably couldn't help me anyway, she was not attuned to Victoria and asking for her help defaced the whole point of tracking.

Alice would have told me if she could see visions of Victoria – to stop me from coming on this tracking expedition unless she was hoping I would fail.

I would not fail. I couldn't fail

I would succeed, to keep my Bella safe.

One scent was distinctly stronger than the other, therefore I concluded that this strong scent was the more recent and it would be logical to follow it.

I inhaled deeply taking in the scents around me to ensure I had not been mistaken. The scent heading in a southerly direction was definitely the more apparent one whereas the scent heading east was rather faded and smelt old; as far as my new developed tracking skills could envisage anyhow.

I sprinted further south eager to find my target. The trail seemed endless and I ran for hours continuously following the unchanging scent. I began to worry that I was following the wrong trail. But I couldn't have made a mistake – I was positive. Victoria was faster than I had anticipated.

Soon enough, I found myself crossing the border into South America.

The sun began to fade slightly, was I imagining things?

It was not possible. I hadn't stopped running at full speed for days – not even to hunt. I was getting desperate now. When and where would the trail end? My question was answered the next day.

A hot, sunny and green destination awaited me.

Brazil.

The scent trail ended abruptly and I knew I had failed.

I hailed deeply numerous times taking in every odour around me. All I could detect was the nearby wildlife and surrounding trees.

There was no other trace of Victoria.

I screamed out a snarl in disgust.

The trail I had followed to Brazil was false.

How could I have been so blind and idiotic?

It never really occurred to me that I might fail.

I detested myself for being so naïve.

Why couldn't I have the skill of tracking instead of the ability to read minds? My vampire talent seemed so insignificant now because the one mind I desired to read was unreachable to me. Why couldn't I have a skill that was able to protect Bella?

I fell to the floor and rested my head on my knees.

My head was spinning

I was so confused.

How could I have been so wrong?

More importantly, what should I do now?

I ran through my options in my head.

I could go back to Texas and follow the other scent.

Or I could go back to Washington and begin the hunt again.

NO. My empty chest screamed at me.

I wouldn't be strong enough to stay away from Bella again, if I went back.

All I wanted was Bella to take me in her arms and lovingly soothe away my pain and foolishness.

I was ready to surrender.

I was ready to go back.

Back to Forks.

Back to my Bella.

I wandered around Rio for eight days, arguing with myself – contemplating my choices and concentrating on making my decision.

I felt like the two different sides of my brain were in a constant dispute. One side arguing to stay away, to remain on my own in desolation and surrounded by nothingness; whilst the other side screamed at me to go back to the over cast town of Forks.

I was literally being torn apart.

I had to face up to reality – I couldn't track and I couldn't protect my Bella.


	11. Chapter 10 The Call

**Chapter 10 – The Call**

_The writing that is in italics in this chapter I have written myself and added to Stephanie Meyer's __"extra" on her website that she wrote about Rosalie telling Edward about Bella's death. It was too good to rewrite, so instead I took SM's version and put stuff in and took some out...modifying it.___

_If you would like to read SM's original chapter you can find it here -_**.com/pdf/nm_extras_**

_Once again I found myself in a futile place unable to formulate a plan of action for my life. _

_The pull of the small town of Forks was stronger than ever._

_I had left Rio six weeks ago and found myself wandering in that direction. At some point I could not carry on. The pain and disappointment was too overwhelming and I found myself a new enclosure. _

_I was spending my days in an old worn down warehouse, out of the sunlight that shone constantly in the sky wherever I was. The humid air swirled round me slightly warming my ice-cold skin. _

_I felt movement in the pocket of my trousers. It was my phone; I had turned it on for the first time in months for emergencies - just in case my family needed to contact me. However I didn't have any motivation to answer it when it rang often._

_The phone vibrated again. It was the twenty-fifth in twenty four hours. I thought about opening the phone, at least to see who was trying to contact me. _

_Perhaps it was important, maybe it was Carlisle._

_I still didn't move._

_I had been motionless for several days as I had drifted back into my forlorn agonizing darkness._

Meaningless.

All of it was meaningless.

My very existence was meaningless.

The whole world was meaningless.

_Empty_.

_My forehead was pressed against my knees as I lay in a foetal position_. I wondered how much longer I would be able to stand this.

_How much more time would pass before I gave up completely?_

Maybe it was hopeless.

Maybe, if my attempt was doomed to failure anyway, like my attempt at tracking was – Should I stop torturing myself and go back?

The idea was so powerful _that it almost soothed my aching wounds_.

I could leave now.

I could go back.

Bella's face – _always in my mind_, smiled at me.

It was a welcoming smile of forgiveness _that warmed my insides. But seeing her face etched into my mind continuously for the past months had only reminded me how truly special she was_.

Consequently, of course I couldn't go back

After all, what was my pain in comparison to her happiness?

Compared to her safety?

She should be able to smile and be happy.

She should be free from fear and danger.

Free from a soulless future.

When Bella left this world, she would go to a place that was forever barred to me, no matter how I conducted myself there. The idea of a final separation _that I could not control_ was so much more intense than the pain I had already encountered. When Bella went to that place where she belonged and I never could – heaven. I would not linger _on earth without her_.

There must be oblivion.

There must be some kind of relief for me.

My body shook with fear at the thought of that time.

Even when I was ash, would I somehow still feel torture of her loss? Or would I find my own heaven?

I shuddered again.

I'd promised her that I wouldn't haunt her life again.

I wasn't going back on my word.

I would not break my promise.

Couldn't I do anything right by her?

Anything at all?

_Just once?_

The idea of returning to the cloudy little town that would always be my true home snaked through my thoughts again.

Just to check.

Just to see that she is safe and happy.

Not to interfere.

She would never know I was there.

_I would remain in the shadows_.

Damn it, NO.

_I cursed myself._

_I had been so close before, and I had managed to stay away. I could do it again._

My phone vibrated again.

"Damn it" I growled.

I could use the distraction, I supposed.

_Not that it would do the job_.

I flipped open the phone and recognised the numbers straight away.

Rosalie.

Why would Rosalie be calling me?

She was probably the only member of my family enjoying my absence.

_I remembered the last thoughts I heard from her about my Bella, I had no desire to talk to her_.

On the other hand, there must be something wrong if she needed to talk to me. I was abruptly worried for my family and answered the phone.

"What?" I asked tensely.

"Oh, wow. Edward actually answered the phone to me. I feel so honoured."

As soon as I heard my sister's tone, I knew my family was fine. She must just be bored. It was difficult to interpret her motives without her thoughts as a guide. Rosalie had never made much sense to me. Her impulses usually foundered on the most convoluted kinds of logic – _typically herself._

I snapped the phone shut, hanging up on her.

"Leave me alone." I whispered to the emptiness around me.

The phone vibrated again at once.

Would she keep calling until she had passed along whatever message she was planning to annoy me with?

Probably.

It would take months for her to grow tired of her game.

I toyed with the idea of letting her hit redial for the next six months.

I sighed and answered the phone again.

"Get on with it! _What do you want Rosalie?"_

Rosalie rushed through her words. "I thought you would want to know that Alice is in Forks."

_My eyes flew open in shock. _

_What was my other sister doing in Forks? I furiously thought._

"What?" I asked in a flat, emotionless voice, hoping I had misheard.

"You know how Alice is – thinks she knows everything. Like you." Rosalie chuckled humourlessly. Her voice had a nervous edge, like she was suddenly unsure about what she was doing. But my rage made it hard to care about what Rosalie's problem was.

Alice had sworn to me that she would follow my leads in regards to Bella, although she did not agree with my decision.

She promised me she would let Bella alone for as long as I did.

_She promised that she would not interfere and not look at her future._

Clearly she thought that I would eventually fold to the pain. Maybe she was right about that.

But I hadn't completely given up yet. I hadn't gone back.

So what was she doing in Forks?

I wanted to wring her skinny neck, not that Jasper would let me get that close to her once he caught a whiff of the fury blowing out of me.

"Are you still there, Edward?" Rosalie's voice coming out of the speaker of my phone brought me out of my thoughts.

I didn't answer.

I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingertips, wondering if it was possible for a vampire to get a migraine.

_Although…_if Alice had already gone back, maybe I could too?

NO.

I'd made my promise.

For the love of all things holy – I was going to keep it!

Bella deserved a life.

I shook my head metaphorically, trying to clear it of the seductive image of Bella's dark window.

The doorway to my only sanctuary.

_The entrance to my home_.

There was no doubt that I would have to grovel, if I were to return – to beg Bella's forgiveness.

_I welcomed that because I knew I deserved it._

I would happily spend the next decade on my knees as long as I was with her.

"Edward? Don't you even want to know why Alice is there?"

"Not particularly." I answered, but honestly I was desperate to know.

Rosalie's voice turned a trifle smug; pleased no doubt, that she had forced a response from me.

"Well, of course, she's not exactly breaking the rules. I mean you only warned us to stay away from Bella, right? The rest of Forks doesn't matter."

I blinked my eyes slowly.

Bella had left?

My thoughts circled around the unexpected idea.

She hadn't graduated yet, so she must have returned to Renee - her mother.

That was good.

She should live in sunshine.

_She loved the warmth and brightness of the sun._

It was good that she'd been able to put the shadows behind her, including me.

It instantly dawned on me – Bella had moved on.

She'd left me in her past like I had intended her to.

My empty chest throbbed painful – my heart was forever lost.

I tried to swallow, and I couldn't.

"So you don't have to be angry with Alice." Rosalie trilled a laugh.

"Then why did you call me, Rosalie, if not to get Alice in trouble? Why are you bothering me?"

"Wait!" She cried, sensing rightly that I was going to hang up on her again. "That's not why I called."

"Then why? Tell me quickly, and then leave me alone!"

"Well…" She hesitated.

"Spit it out, Rosalie. You have ten seconds."

"I think you should come home," Rosalie said in a rush. "I'm tired of Esme grieving and Carlisle never laughing. You should feel ashamed at what you've done to them. Emmett misses you all the time and it's getting on my nerves. Not to mention Alice, she has been a wreck. You have a family Edward. Grow up and think of someone else besides yourself."

"Interesting advice Rosalie, maybe you should take your own guidance?"

"I am thinking about them, unlike you. Don't you care how much you have hurt Esme, if no one else? She loves you more than the rest of us, and you know that. Come home."

I didn't answer.

_I knew I was being very selfish; however I wanted to revel in my loneliness. I didn't want my family members to witness my depressive state._

"I thought once this whole Forks thing was finished, you would get over it."

"Forks was never the problem, Rosalie. " I said, try to explain patiently. What she has said about Carlisle, Esme and the other members of my family had struck a chord, so I tried to make an effort. "Just because Bella – "I paused. Saying her name out loud was difficult. I managed to choke it out before continuing. "…has moved to Florida, it doesn't mean that I'm able…Look, Rosalie. I'm really sorry, but trust me; it wouldn't make anyone happier if I were there."

"Umm."

There it was – the hesitation again.

"What is it that you're not telling me, Rosalie? Is Esme alright? Is Carlisle –"

"They're fine." She interrupted me. "It's just… well I didn't say that Bella had moved."

_What?_

_Yes she did, didn't she?_

I ran over our conversation in my head.

_She never actually said that Bella had relocated. _

So Bella wasn't in Forks?

What did she mean?

Where was Bella if she hadn't moved?

"They didn't want to tell you, but I think that's stupid. The quicker you get over this; the sooner things can get back to normal. Why let you mope in the dark corners of the world when there is no need for it? You can come home now. We can be a family again. It's over." Rosalie rushed through her words again, but saying them in an almost angry tone.

My mind seemed to be broken.

_It wasn't functioning once again._

I couldn't make sense of her words.

It was like there was something really obvious that she was telling me, but I had no idea what it was. My brain played with the information, _trying to decipher it. _

"Edward?"

"I don't understand what you are saying, Rosalie."

There was a long pause, the length of several human heartbeats.

"She's dead, Edward."

My world stopped.

Rosalie was speaking but I barely heard a word she was saying.

"I'm…sorry. You have a right to know, though I think. Bella…threw herself off a cliff two days ago. Alice saw it, but it was too late to do anything. I think she would have helped though, broken her word, if there had been time. She went back to do what she could for Charlie. You know how she's always cared for him –"

The phone went dead.

It took me a few seconds to realise that I had shut the power off as it drop from my hand and clattered to the floor.

I sat in the dusty darkness.

_It was like time had stopped._

_Like the universe had stopped._

_It couldn't be true. It was Rosalie playing a cruel trick on me – hoping that it would make me rejoin my family._

_But I had to check, just in case._

Slowly, I reached around searching for my phone. I switched it back on and dialled the number I'd promise myself I would never call again.

If it was my love – I would hang up.

If it was Charlie – I would get the information I needed through subterfuge.

I would prove Rosalie's sick joke wrong, and then return to my nothingness.

The phone rang for several seconds while I had my breath waiting for it to answer.

"Swan Residence." Answered a voice. It was a man's husky voice, deep but youthful. _It sounded familiar but I could not place it; my mind was otherwise occupied._

I didn't pause to think of the implications of that.

"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen." I said, imitating my father's voice perfectly. "May I please speak to Charlie?"

"He's not here." The voice spoke with anger, which simply surprised me. But that wasn't important.

"Well, where is he then? I demanded, getting impatient.

There was a short pause and if the stranger wanted to hold information from me.

"He's at the funeral." The boy finally answered.

_I pressed the switch – the phone died again._

_I died._


	12. Chapter 11 Black Hole

**Chapter 11 – Black Hole**

My eyes clouded and everything went black.

The end had come.

Too quickly.

How could this have happened?

Bella was dead.

Nothingness surrounded me.

My world felt empty.

My life was over.

My existence was nugatory

My purpose had ceased to exist.

I had nothing left to live for.

I truly believed that the pain, the torture and the suffering that I had felt on leaving Bella was the worst thing imaginable.

I had been devastatingly wrong.

It was nothing compared to this.

It was excruciatingly and overwhelmingly severe. There were no other words to describe it.

The confirmation that my love no longer inhabited this world sent shots of pain to places within me that I had never felt before.

Agony scorched through my body – tearing me apart.

I felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces and hoped that wherever the pieces ended up, they would be with my Bella.

I wanted to weep and weep.

I felt extraordinarily numb and completely drained.

I was so absolutely paralyzed from the pain that I didn't even have the energy to sob tearlessly.

My world had stopped rotating.

Time ceased to tick by.

My universe disappeared.

I had crawled into a dark hole where nothing but guilt and pain resided.

I was submerged in immense grief.

How could this of happened? I asked myself again and again.

Bella…dead.

It aggrieved me to think of those two words in the same sentence.

Did she commit suicide?

Rosalie said she had jumped off a cliff.

It was obvious that she had deliberately tried to eliminate herself.

Did she do this because of me?

I had a strong guilty feeling it was indeed down to my actions.

I wondered how much I had truly hurt her by leaving her.

Was the force of her suffering enough to make her take her own life?

Oh god, what had I done to her?

I had left Forks to protect Bella's fragile life, but instead I had hurt her beyond belief. I had broken her so completely that she had fallen over the edge, literally.

Bella.

Dead.

Gone forever.

Deceased.

Never coming back.

My sweet, uncoordinated, breakable Bella.

The bitter sweet memories overpowered me.

Me and her together.

Her face, her touch.

I would never have the opportunity to see her beautiful face again.

When it lit up with an astonishing smile – it filled me with joy.

When it flushed with a blush – it made my breath stop seeing her sweet blood underneath her skin.

Her soft touch sent tingles of warmth through my body.

When she declared her love for me, I felt my frozen heart beat.

All of that was now lost forever; extinct.

I now understood how it felt to have loved and lost.

The pain-filled longing and overwhelming grief was indescribable.

I had loved and lost the day I had left Bella; I just hadn't realised it then.

Was this pain I suffered how Bella felt when I departed?

Was it like I had died?

I couldn't bear the thought of her enduring the torture and agony I was now feeling. But end her life…how could she have done this? – To me, to her mother and father? It made me want to howl in distress.

I found a strange energy in my heartache and I was instantaneously besieged by fury.

My hand clenched into tight fists as I jumped to my feet, liberating myself from my stance.

All I had desired for my Bella was that she was safe and happy, instead I had destroyed her.

This was my fault.

I had destroyed her; Charlie and Renee as well – I was the reason for their daughter's death.

I was a vicious monster.

A repulsive, iniquitous, murderous creature.

I wanted to bleed.

I wanted to die.

I began scratching my skin, digging my nails in, trying to penetrate it. It didn't work. It didn't even hurt.

I gazed around at my surroundings searching for something else to attempt to hurt myself with.

The abandoned warehouse I had inhabited for the past several weeks was devoid of furniture. All I could see were the mouldy crumbling brick walls that confined me. I walked over to the west facing wall and swiftly smashed my fist into it. The wall buckled under the impact and my arm went straight through to the outside. Adrenaline pulsed through my body and I kept on thrashing and demolishing the wall, until there was a colossal whole in the side of the building.

I feel to my knees as despair took over my destructive episode. I buried my face into my hands and let out a sob of anguish.

I wanted to die.

I deserved to depart this life.

I wanted to burn in the fiery pits of hell.

Bella's life had been stolen from her.

Death had taken her from me because of my own actions.

The time had come to compensate for my transgressions.

I was going to atone for my sins.

I was going to Italy.


	13. Chapter 12 The Volturi

**Chapter 12 – The Volturi**

My mind was made up.

I was going to the Volturi to be killed.

The final act of my miserable protracted existence was to ensure I was destroyed.

There was no possibility of me living out endless days of emptiness without Bella's presence on this planet.

If Bella was leaving this world – I was too.

I would follow her and attempt to access the pearly gates of heaven.

I doubted my chances entirely, because I wasn't entirely convinced I had a soul; but still I hoped.

I had thought about going to the Volturi before this occasion – the spring when James stole Bella from me.

I recollected the conversation I had with Bella on her 18th birthday before the fateful party.

"_Last spring, when you were… nearly killed…Of course I was trying to find you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said it's not as easy for me as it is for a human." _

_She shook her head at me and asked, "Contingency plans?"_

"_Well I wasn't going to live without you, but I wasn't sure how to do it – I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help…so I was thinking I would go to Italy and provoke the Volturi."_

I pulled myself out of the memory.

How many times had Bella almost been killed because of me?

And this time I hadn't been there to save her. It was entirely my fault that Bella was dead now. If I'd just gone back to check on her; to ensure that she was at least safe if not yet entirely happy…

The crushing pain of my loss seared through my body, but it did not weaken me this time; I knew that before long it would all be over.

The Volturi were an ancient vampire family that resided in Volterra, in the Tuscan region of Italy.

I had never encountered them myself but I'd heard of my father's brief experience with them many times, and in conjunction with the memories I'd heard him replaying in his head, I knew everything that I needed to know for my purpose.

The Volturi consisted of the three elders; Aro, Caius and Marcus – the night time patron of the arts as I had once told Bella. Additionally, there were the elder's wives, and their guard, making them the largest coven of vampires that existed together. Their unity gave them power, but wasn't the only attribute that made them superior.

Members of the guard were selected specifically for their vampire ability; each had a unique power that that would contribute to and enhance their already formidable force.

They were an elite coven and they thought of themselves as law enforcers and acted to keep the existence of our kind secluded.

Any of our kind who exposed us would be severely punished, as the consequences were instant death.

It was essential that I moved with great haste.

I wanted it to be over; I didn't want time to think about the consequences of my actions. I didn't want to think of my loyal and loving family and the effect that my death would have on them.

I departed the old abandoned warehouse and sprinted into the nearby forest. I was only vaguely aware of the astoundingly picturesque surroundings. I believed that Bella would like Brazil. She would like the beauty; the endless shades of green in the Amazon, and she would love to see the sun shine brightly and feel the heat on her skin. It would have been a perfect location for us to have come together.

My body shuddered slightly as I ran – I didn't desire to think of what could have been.

I raced in the direction of the nearest city.

I didn't even think about where I was going – my body was impetuous. I let my subconscious guide me forward to my destination.

My final destination.

Somewhere along my journey I vanished in my own thoughts and retained memories.

Every inch of my mind was consumed; reminiscing about every moment I had ever spent with Bella, every feature of her body that I had memorised before I left, every time our skin touched, every time our lips met…every little thing.

I heard nothing except Bella's sweet voice and the gentle pounding of her heart.

I felt nothing except Bella's warm soft arms wrapped tightly round my torso, embracing me.

I saw nothing except Bella's striking face with her welcoming chocolate brown eyes gazing into mine.

I smelt nothing except Bella's fragrant scent.

I thought about everything…everything except Bella being gone. I refused to think of that.

My hand was in my pocket clutching the only connection I had left to Bella – the lemonade bottle lid. If it was possible it made my memories clearer

A sudden jerked movement brought me out of my delusion and back into reality. My eyes flashed open and I took a quick intake of breath as I gazed around me.

I was unaware of where I was and how much time had passed.

I was on a plane.

I gazed out of the small rectangle window into the darkness and recognised the bright lights of Florence.

I was in Italy.

How did I get here? I wondered, but I had no recollection of the events that had brought me here, but I knew the reason why.

Bella was dead.

Gone forever.

And soon, I would be too.

Luck was on my side as I exited the airport. The sun was beginning to rise over the horizon, slowly starting to break through casting shadows over the ancient city.

I decided to run to allow myself time to prepare for the meeting ahead of me.

My plan was to just be direct and ask the Volturi for death. This way no harm could be caused to others, and accidents could be avoided. It was the simplest and easiest solution.

Would they grant my request willingly?

What if they denied me the right to die, or whatever it was my kind did?

How would I be able to convince them to rid the world of me?

Maybe I could use their thoughts to my advantage by attempting to provoke them.

However I did not intend to disrespect anybody, mostly because of the trust that Carlisle had gained with the Volturi before he had discovered me or the rest of family. I wouldn't want to make things difficult for him.

I just wanted my life to end.

The historic city of Volterra rose into view as I ran speedily towards it. It was breathtakingly scenic. It was a shame that I couldn't fully appreciate it, but I wasn't there to see the sites.

I pushed myself forward, eager to make my demands to the vampires residing there.

I reached the wall encircling the city. I scanned my surroundings to ensure I was not being watched, before I scaled the side of the large stone fortification and leapt down. I had reached my final destination.

There were not many people around so I was able to inconspicuously stalk round the perimeter of the walls and find a space in the shadows out of the brightly shining sun.

I searched for the entrance into the Volturi's lair by looking into peoples thoughts for directions.

I turned a corner down a narrow darkened cobbled street when I came across a distinct scent.

Vampires.

Two forms stood at the end of the street facing out onto a large midtown square.

I approached them carefully, not wanting to surprise them and cause a disturbance.

I saw from their thoughts, they were two members of the guard. Felix and Demetri were their names.

I had heard about Demetri before, he was the skilled tracker that Carlisle had informed me of before I left of my hunt for Victoria.

"Excuse me, Gentlemen." I spoke as I drew near to them. It felt strange hearing my own voice after not using it for so many months. But I had to be courteous even though I just wanted to scream at them to kill me. My numb body cried out to be filled with pain instead of being hopelessly empty.

Demetri and Felix turned their brawny bodies to face me. They watched me intently as I halted in front of them.

"Who are you?" Demetri grunted.

"My name is Edward Cullen. I am here for an audience with your masters. Would you be so kind as to take me to them?" I replied politely.

"Cullen?" Demetri asked. _He must be one of Carlisle's boys_. He thought.

"Yes, my surname is Cullen, and yes I am one of Carlisle's son's."

"I didn't ask that –"

"But you thought it though." I interrupted him.

Demetri gaped at me, trying to understand how I knew that.

"He can obviously read minds." Felix said as he nudged Demetri out of his stare. "What is the nature of your business here, Mr Cullen?"

"It is a confidential matter."

"Very well, come on. We will show you the way."

Felix gestured for me to follow them as they walked back down the street I had come from. We turned down a constricted alleyway hidden from view. I could just see the bright sun at the other end when Felix and Demetri stopped in front me. The alleyway slanted downwards slightly towards a dead end. I wondered where they were taking me. Their thoughts showed no sign of aggression or planned attack.

Then I saw an opening in the cobbled pavement. Felix dropped effortlessly down, and Demetri signalled me to follow. I landed onto an underground street, with Demetri suddenly appearing behind me. The tension grew, and my numb form ached to get the meeting over with. I was glad when Demetri and Felix took off in a run. I pursued them effortlessly and soon enough we were arrived at an elevator that ascended to a reception area.

I let out a silent sigh.

We were here.

_Seeing as you can hear my thoughts anyway, wait here_. Demetri ordered in his head.

I stiffed a nod as he and Felix disappeared down a corridor.

I smelled a scent, a human scent before I heard the person enter the room.

My throat burned furiously.

I hadn't hunted in a considerable amount of time.

I had not realised before, that I was incredibly thirsty. The numbness and the pain I had encountered previously overpowered my thirst. But now, being alone in the small area with this fragile human…I wondered if the Volturi would be angry if I drained their dainty slave.

"Hello, there, I'm Gianna." She spoke. "Please take a seat while you wait."

"Thanks." I mumbled.

_Oh, another beautiful one. He looks sad; maybe I should ask him if he is okay. _Gianna thought to herself.

"I'm fine thank you." I replied without thinking.

She realised instantly what my vampire ability was, and blushed slightly. Her blush reminded me of how Bella used to blush in embarrassment so often. I would soon be with her. I would soon be able to see her blush again. I hoped.

Several minutes later, a small blonde haired girl appeared.

"Well Hello Edward, It is very nice to meet you. I am Jane. If you would please follow me, Aro, Caius and Marcus would like to greet you."

As I followed her, I started to feel anxious.

I kept thoughts of Bella in my mind, they calmed me, and gave me courage and enhanced the sheer determination I had for what I was about to do.

We walked into an old stone room. No windows for sunlight to enter. It was a throne room by its appearance.

I recognised Aro, Caius and Marcus, the Volturi leaders standing in the middle of the room from the canvas in my father's office.

"Edward!" Aro called, as he made his way towards me. "I'm very pleased to finally make your acquaintance. Brother's, this is our old friend, Carlisle's son. How is dear Carlisle?"

"He is well thank you." I replied.

"Why have you come here, Edward?"

I glanced around to Felix, Jane and Demetri all standing at the doors, as if they were blocking my exit.

"Felix, Demetri, Jane, please leave us if you will." Caius ordered.

All three stalked out of the room.

"Now Edward, what is it you want?"

"I have come to request to die."


	14. Chapter 13 Judgement Day

**Chapter 13 – Judgement day**

A multitude of thoughts ran through each of their heads, it was difficult to keep track of them all.

Aro was bewildered by my request. Never had he heard of a Vampire wanting to be killed. It has come as quite an unexpected shock.

Caius was equally as stunned, however he appeared content to oblige to my request. I saw in his mind this was mostly due to the fact that he new of my family; my large family.  
He considered large families or covens like mine to be a threat to the Volturi as we were a diverse group of talented vampires. Carlisle had many acquaintances and his family was quite well known. The chance to eliminate one of the famous Cullen family members seemed to gratify him.

Marcus, on the other hand did not react at all like his brothers. He did not appear surprised; in fact he had a particularly apathetic demeanour. He seemed more astonished by my direct approach and candid request. In his thoughts he was reminiscing about a time when he had considered suicide.

After a brief moment they recovered from their shock. Aro was filled with curiosity; I waited for the barrage of questions, however I did not want to elaborate.

"I beg your pardon?" Caius asked incredulously.  
"You heard me clearly enough." I replied.  
"Why would you desire such an unusual thing Edward?" Aro asked inquisitively.  
I felt reluctant to answer.  
Would they understand my predicament and the depth of my pain?  
I presumed they would never comprehend my reasons due to the way they viewed our existence.

"If you do not provide us with reasons, how do you expect us to grant your curious request?"  
Again I didn't answer.  
Of course I didn't expect them to kill me instantly when I asked, except maybe Caius. Aro however wanted answers. They wanted an explanation as to why I no longer wished to live. The Volturi considered vampires to be superior beings; they marvelled at our very existence. Our frozen forms never aging, our strength and potential power and the endless eternity of our lives. They couldn't understand why any one of us would willingly relinquish such an existence for something as mundane and human as death.

How could I begin to explain my pain, my loss, my tortured being?  
Maybe I should have engaged in my second plan of action first. That would surely have forced them to kill me without the interrogations.

Caius was becoming impatient with my silence.  
"Perhaps there is another way of retrieving the information you require." I suggested.  
Aro had a vampire gift similar to my own, only it was significantly more powerful in one aspect. With a simple touch he could access every thought that had ever penetrated a person's mind.

I held out my hand signalling my cooperation.  
"Hold on a moment." Caius spoke. "How will that help us understand?" He gestured to himself and Marcus, who did not appear interested, however his thoughts were curious.  
"I'm sure Aro can inform you himself." I replied.  
Caius grunted in annoyance.  
"Very well, Edward." Aro said as he reached to touch his hand to my own and closed his eyes.

A rush of thoughts ran through my mind as I witnessed my own thoughts and memories in Aro's head.  
My life flashed before both of our eyes.  
My family.  
My actions.  
My Bella.

Every thought and memory I possessed was now Aro's too.  
They were no longer only mine, which infuriated me.  
They were my haven and the only proof I had that Bella ever existed.

The memories lingered on Bella as she was such a significant part of my existence.  
The bad ones made me wince involuntarily.  
The ballet studio and James.  
Jasper's attack.  
My departure from Forks.  
Tracking Victoria.  
My heart wrenching suffering.  
The pain I witnessed seemed endless.

The pleasant recollections I saw brought me no joy. Seeing Bella only reminded me that she was dead, that I hadn't protected her, that I failed in my sole purpose and that I was the reason for her premature demise.

Several minutes passed until Aro finished sifting through my mind and finally released my hand.  
"Remarkable." Aro beamed.  
"What is it?" Caius demanded.  
Aro quickly rearranged his expression as he turned to his brother. His thoughts hadn't actually been concerning me or Bella. He had seen something in my mind that he found captivating and which made me feel like growling.

"Edward has a fascinating mind and it seems he has acquired himself a companion."  
I grimaced at Aro's statement. He spoke as if Bella was alive and as if she was mine – neither of which were true.  
"How is that remarkable?" Caius said impatiently.  
"The girl is mortal."  
Suddenly I had Marcus's attention.  
"Mortal?" He spoke for the first time.  
So far, Marcus had hardly shown any interest in my presence. He had been somewhat shocked by my blunt request, but recovered almost instantly. Even his thoughts had been discreet.  
I nodded.  
_Is it possible?_  
I nodded again, in response to his thoughts.  
"But how?"  
Aro answered for me. "It seems Edward exerts astounding self-control in Miss Bella's presence, or rather he did."  
Hearing Bella's name being spoken pinched painfully in my empty chest.

"Did she know what you were? Did she know of our kind?" Marcus questioned.  
"Yes." I replied truthfully. I wanted them to know I had disobeyed the rule. I could hope that they would take that into consideration.  
"What?" Caius exploded. "You exposed yourself to a human!"  
"Peace, brother." Aro said soothingly.  
"This changes things, Aro. The girl for instance –"  
"The girl is not an issue, Caius." Aro interrupted.  
I swallowed back a growl at his use of the word 'girl'.  
Bella was not just a girl.  
She was an amazing being – the very reason for my existence.  
The proprietor of my heart.

"Not a problem?" Marcus repeated.  
"I'm sorry to say that Bella passed away."  
Someone else speaking those words out loud somehow made them more real.  
I felt weak. I wanted to crumble to the ground and forget everything, but I maintained my stance.  
This was the reason I was here.

I focused on Marcus. He has returned to his apathetic state, whilst trying to hide his thoughts from me. I realised then, he sympathised with me. He understood my request because he had the experience of losing a loved one. However he respected the life our kind lived and as a consequence he was suffering the future I was desperately trying to avoid.

"Even so, he has broken the fundamental rule. He exposed us." Caius said unsympathetically. _He deserves to be punished; therefore we should grant his request._ He finished his verdict in his head.  
Caius would gleefully destroy me at this very moment but I could see that Aro would be more lenient.

"Edward?" Aro called. "Would you please leave us to deliberate your request privately? You can wait in the reception area with Gianna, or maybe you would like to hunt? If you wish to do so, please refrain from doing so within the city. I will send a guard member to notify you when our decision has been made." Demetri's form appeared in his mind.

I gave him a stiff nod in agreement; however I was displeased. I did not want to wait. It was clear I would not get an answer as to the expected duration of their meeting if I asked. I left the throne room and made my way back to the reception area. I had no where else to wait, but I didn't feel comfortable in close proximity of a human when I had not hunted for so long. Although, I couldn't possibly put Gianna in any more danger than she already was. I fed off animals – living the vegetarian lifestyle, whereas her employers fed off fragile humans like herself.

I decided to wander the city of Volterra and try to find a place of solitude outside for the duration of my wait.  
Gianna kindly directed me to the nearest exit.  
I was positive that Aro would respect the privacy I could give them by not being in close enough proximity to hear the thoughts being generated within their discussion.

It was several hours before I encountered any disturbances.  
I had located a quite place north of the city blocked from the sunlight and I had settled in the corner of a constricted cobbled street. The surrounding area was deserted – I could not even hear the thoughts of any persons nearby, meaning I was completely alone - the way I wanted it.

I rested my head on my knees and let myself fall into a dream-like state.  
Where would I go when I left this world?  
I knew I would always have my memories of Bella – I would not allow them to be lost.  
But was there a chance I would be reunited with her?  
Carlisle believed.  
Bella believed.  
I hoped.

Even if I had a soul, it was dark and tortured. Would they grant access to heaven to a dark-spirited monster? If there was any justice, the answer would be no, but still I hoped.

When I closed my eyes I was transported to my love, my Bella. This was the reason I wanted to have my eyes permanently closed – so I could spend eternity with her.  
Forever…with my true love.

I knew at that moment that if Bella was still alive, I would have gone back to Forks and back to her. I would have sought comfort in the rainy town and begged the forgiveness of my Bella, and promised to stay with her forever.

I heard Demetri's thoughts before I heard his approach. He had been sent to find me. As a tracker – it only took him seconds to establish my whereabouts. Nothing like my pathetic attempt at tracking Victoria. The Volturi leaders had made a decision. Demetri had not been informed of the situation so I was unable to see the conclusion they had come to in his thoughts.

Demetri instructed me to return with him.  
As we swiftly made our way back, I couldn't help but wonder if this was the last time I would see the light of day. I took one last deep breath of fresh air before I entered the Volturi's lair – hopefully for the last time.

Demetri led me to a different room, instead of the throne room in which we had met before. This room looked more welcoming, with a large stone fireplace and elegant décor.  
_Wait here._ Demetri ordered in his head.  
Exactly one minute later a door at the opposite end of the room opened and in walked Aro followed by Caius, Marcus Jane and another vampire I had never met, but he was known to me. His name was Alec.

Jane and Alec were brother and sister, both in possession of exceptional and sinister abilities. Jane was able to torment people at will by causing terrible pain with her mind, whereas Alec could disconnect people's senses, rendering them blind, deaf, and numb. Their ability's made them extremely valuable to the guard. Aro was delighted to have them under his control.

I knew the leader's decision instantly. They could not hide it in their thoughts  
Caius was aggravated – he had been the one with the opposing vote, the one who was happily willing to grant my request, but it seemed Aro had other plans for me.  
A proposition; an offer I would not accept…ever.

"Welcome back, Edward." Aro greeted me. "I hope your wait was not too inconvenient, however we had much to discuss."  
"I understand, and I know your verdict." I said with irritation in my voice. I had been relying on their decision. I didn't want to waste anymore time. I had to think of a plot to ensure my exposure and force a rapid and fierce reaction that would bring about my immediate extermination. It was imperative for me to leave…right away.

"Edward?" Aro interrupted my scattered thoughts. "This is an unprecedented situation, however we have decided to deny your request."  
"I know." I hissed.  
"However, we would like to offer you a place among the guard. Your talent would contribute significantly to our strength. We consider it to be wasteful to dispose of you and your ability. Additionally I do not wish to offend an old friend." My father's image entered his thoughts.  
Caius grunted. His displeasure at the decision bothered me. If he desired to, he could eradicate me right now.  
_He is offering him a place with the guard, with us?_ Jane thought panicky.  
Aro obviously hadn't informed any of his guard as to the reason I was here, as Alec was confused also.  
"Master? She spoke in an anxious voice."  
"Don't worry, dear one. Your place is secure. I will explain the circumstances later." Aro turned his attention back to me. "Why don't you take some time to consider your options?" An image of his guard flashed into his mind, with one extra member; a mind-reader standing robed by his side.  
_  
__Why would he need to think about it? It is a great honour._ Alec thought.  
"I only have one other alternative as you are aware Aro. Why waste precious time, when we can settle this now?"  
Jane's thought suddenly got protective over her master.  
"No" he replied vigorously. "If you wish to proceed with your previous plan we will be forced to act accordingly, but not until that time."  
I saw in his mind that if I did attempt to expose myself and our kind – the guard would be watching and waiting to overpower me at the last second.  
I was reliant on that image.

I was not making progress here so it was time to leave.  
Aro sensed my immanent departure.  
"Think carefully, Edward." He said sternly before continuing in his head. _You could be an integral part of what we have here._  
I dashed out of the room without another word.

I noticed that darkness had blackened the sky as I exited the Volturi lair, so I didn't have to avoid the sunlight. Not that I cared about being seen. I wanted to be exposed. Exposure would bring about my death.

I paced the city thinking of an opportune way to evoke the wrath of the ancient trio. There were limited people around due to the time of day. I required a substantial audience to ensure instant death.

The darkness gave me time to think. As soon as the sun rose I could act.  
How could I infuriate the Volturi?  
What would draw attention to myself?  
My mind raced through the possibilities.  
A demonstration of my excessive strength?  
Attacking the guard?  
Attacking humans?  
Hunting?  
I kept changing my mind. I believed the one that would cause the most uproar forcing an instant reaction from the guard was hunting within the city; hunting humans in a public place.

The sun began to rise as what I hoped would be my last dawn approached.  
As I lingered in the shadowy streets, I saw people start to leave their homes to enjoy the day ahead of them, or so they thought. Maybe some of them would become one of my victims….my prey.  
I sifted through the thoughts of passing people to find information on where I could get the best selection of people to witness my monstrous activity.  
Luck was on my side once again.

Ironically it was St Marcus Day, and there was a festival to mark the occasion. There would be masses of humans to observe my deviant act.  
The square in the middle of the city - Piazza Dei Priori, was where the festival was being held. That was to be the stage for my last performance.  
I walked slowly in that direction.  
The streets were already filled with people.  
I inhaled deeply taking in the human scents around me letting them register with me. I felt my throat burn with thirst, but I had no desire to satiate that thirst. I reminded myself that I needed to feed on these people. This was what I had to do to be obliterated.

I began to get anxious as I drew nearer.  
She's dead. Rosalie's words echoed in my head giving me the determination to proceed.  
I noticed a gathering of people standing on the edge of the square, and within range of my deadly pounce.  
Innocent people.  
I decided that I would kill them all, the entire group first, almost instantly, before I drained their blood.  
I forced myself to fall back into a hunting crouch as my vampire instincts refused to overcome me. I pushed all thoughts out of my mind with a huge amount of effort. The whole attack would be forced.

I gasped and collapsed onto my back as Bella's face entered my mind.  
Her human face.  
It was smiling encouragingly at me.  
I let out a sob.  
I couldn't go through with it.  
Bella was human.  
I couldn't kill one of her kind.  
Bella had halted me…again.  
It reminded me of when I almost attacked that woman a few months ago.  
Bella had rescued me then too.

I would have to carry out one of my alternative plans. This disgruntled me greatly as the end would not come as quick.

As I stood up I noticed a shimmer on my hand. The sunlight was shining on my palm making me sparkle.  
Like a thousand tiny diamonds embedded into your skin. Bella had once told me.  
It was the reason vampires could not go out in the sunlight without being exposed -  
My brain clicked.  
Sunlight would expose me.  
It was a glorious sunny day.  
For my very last moments in the world…I would sparkle.


	15. Chapter 14 Reconciliation

**Chapter 14 – Reconciliation**

The more I deliberated over the details of my situation – the more confident I became about my current plan.

Nobody would get hurt with the exception of me, which is all I cared about.

Why should others suffer for me?

They shouldn't.

I had already caused pain to enough people.

Bella.

Bella's family and friends for having had a hand in her death; and now my own family too.

I felt extremely guilty for bringing agony to my family, but I simply could not go on living without Bella.

I would follow Bella wherever she went from now on.

The blazing sun was rising up into the sky.

I had made the decision to make my appearance into the sunlight when the sun was at its highest point in the sky – Noon.

That would coincide with the festival taking place in the Palazzo dei Priori – it would be at its busiest and overcrowded – giving me a large audience and creating a substantial disturbance for the Volturi.

I would step into the light precisely as the clock tower located on the edge of the square tolled twelve. For now I had to wait.

The wait was bearable compared to what I had endured in recent times. But still I felt tremendously impatient. The time until my reunion with Bella seemed like a century away. In comparison, the wait before I had left Forks had flown by, and now I wondered why time seemed to deny us our heart's desire.

Maybe I was thinking too much.

Time didn't slow or stop in reality.

It consistently ticked by.

I didn't want to prolong the remaining seconds of my existence. I sought solace.

I wanted my home; my Bella.

I spent my final hours imagining our reunion. When we were reunited, would she forgive me?

Even in death?

I watched form the shadows as the square became crowded; it was almost time. The alleyway where I had first encountered Demetri and Felix was located directly under the clock tower at the Palazzo dei Priori. That's where I would wait out the last few minutes before eventually stepping out to my death.

I could see the clock from my current location. It showed me that I had a quarter of an hour left; fifteen long minutes.

I made my way inconspicuously through the cobbled streets of Volterra to the narrow alleyway.

The words echoed through my mind.

'_I wasn't going to live without you.' –_ My own words.

Spoken to Bella on her previous birthday.

I was infuriated that Bella's life had ended so soon, but I was more furious about the fact I hadn't been there to protect her.

I hated the thought of her being alone.

Alone and falling.

Thrashing and drowning.

Deathly cold in the churning sea.

Gasping for air as her last breath ebbed and she was taken prisoner by the water.

Stop it! I ordered myself.

I didn't want to visualise her death, but my mind would not be controlled. It was determined to remind me of exactly what I had caused.

In my final minutes I thought it would be appropriate to reflect on what I would leave behind – my loved ones, my family.

I would miss them all in their own individual ways.

Carlisle, my creator, my father. How I admired his strength and courage. He was such a wonderful being.

Esme, my guardian, my mother. The most compassionate being who ever lived. Oh, how I loved her.

Emmett, my brother. His amusing attitude made me laugh and he gave me strength.

Jasper, my most recent brother. I felt a huge amount of gratitude towards him for showing me that my love was in need of protection. He was a comfort to me, in more ways than one.

Rosalie, a most selfish creature. But she gave me guidance and love like a true sister.

Alice, my favourite sister. How could I begin to explain how wonderful she was? She made me smile and brought me joy. I would miss her tiny annoying being the most.

The most important person was not part of my family, and now never would be.

The most amazing person.

My Bella.

The very reason for my existence.

We would be together again soon.

I knew I would hurt my family terribly by carrying out this suicide mission but they were better off without me.

There was no meaning to my life now it was devoid of my Bella. I loved her endlessly and could not possibly live without her.

I was sorry for not being a commendable companion, son, brother.

Sorry for the hurt.

I apologise for the pain.

I'm sorry for not being a worthy enough, not strong enough.

Truly apologetic and full of remorse, I would endure the guilt of my sins – even in death.

I rested my head on the stone building behind me waiting for the final seconds to pass.

Death was imminent.

The clock tolled for the first time marking the approach of high noon. The echoing sound was soothing and helped calm my anxious state.

I was able to hear the thoughts of the several Volturi guard members nearby waiting to attack instantly, ready for the impending exposure of our kind.

I closed my eyes and ignored the voices in my head and stepped to the edge of the shadows.

I was ready to sparkle for the world to see, so I removed my shirt at dropped it at my feet.

As the clock continued to chime, booming throughout the square, I heard Bella call my name in the distance.

I smiled.

I had craved for so long to hear her voice again.

It rang in my ears, and the sweet sound made me melt.

It sounded extraordinarily real.

I knew I was hallucinating but I welcomed the insanity.

I pictured Bella's face behind my closed eyelids.

She beamed at me, her smile was brilliant.

"Edward!" She called me into the light.

_Patience my Bella,_ I thought, not wanting the sound of spoken words to destroy my glorious moment.

"Edward, look at me."

Her voice stunned me and I took an involuntary step forward towards the sound.

My terminal moment arrived as the eleventh toll rang I took my step into the light.

My final step.

Something collided with me as I made my movement forward. But I felt no pain.

I instinctively held my arms out in front of me – not to attack, just to block or catch whatever it was that had flung itself into me.

I slowly opened my eyes as the twelfth toll rang – doing what Bella had said, and to see where I now found myself.

All I saw was Bella in my arms.

I was astounded.

"Amazing." I whispered

I had a soul after all.

It was a general belief that vampires had no soul; I now new that to be a myth. Because I had one…and it had taken me to heaven.

I was with my love, my Bella.

I was filled with love and wonder.

I could actually feel her in my arms.

My chest was no longer hollow.

My heart had been replaced.

I was whole again.

"Carlisle was right." I spoke in a voice radiating astonishment.

I lifted my hand to touch Bella's cheek to ensure she would not disappear as quickly as she has arrived.

She didn't.

Electric shocks ran through my body.

She was truly real.

It was like the past six months had not occurred and I was finally back where I belonged.

"Edward." Bella whispered my name again and my dead heart shuddered. This was beyond anything I could ever have imagined.

I inhaled deeply.

Her scent set my throat on fire, but there was a difference. With the burning, there came no desire to eradicate her by indulging her blood; only contentment and joy. Her scent had not changed – the sweet bouquet of freesia smelt more luxurious than ever.

I could hear her heart beating furiously in her chest – pumping the warm blood around her body. Her pulse was rapid - like it generally was when we were intimately close.

This was perfect.

As I embraced Bella, stroking her hair, I was marvelled.

My death occurred immediately.

The Volturi had acted instantaneously to prevent my exposure.

"I can't believe how quick it was." I told my Bella. "I didn't feel a thing – they're very good."

I gently kissed her hair and closed my eyes.

I experienced another recollection from Bella's previous birthday where I told her I envied Romeo's ease of suicide.

That jealously has been misconstrued.

My own suicide had been simple – all it had taken was a step into the sunlight.

"Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath no power yet upon thy beauty." I quoted Shakespeare's character. "You smell exactly the same as always. So maybe this is hell. I don't care. I'll take it"

Although, I could never possibly envisage this being hell.

I was with Bella – and that was all that mattered.

Bella spoke agitatedly interrupting my thoughts.

"I'm not dead. And neither are you! Please Edward, we have to move. They cannot be far away!"

I felt a struggling movement in my arms.

I was confused by her words and her belligerent movements. We were happy and safe – what was she talking about?

"What was that?"

"We're not dead, yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi –"

My eyes flashed open as I heard nearby thoughts.

_He has a human with him._

_This will mean death surely…for them both. Maybe the master will allow me to devour the human at Edward's expense._

Comprehension crashed down on me.

I was not dead.

Bella was not deceased either – she was here, in my arms.

Now it was too late.

I screamed profanities at myself as I realised I put Bella in danger…again.

The worst possible danger.

Bella may have been on the edge of death before because of my actions.

But now I may very well have killed her.


	16. Chapter 15 Reasoning

**Chapter 15 – Reason**

They were coming to intercept us.

Me and Bella.

My Bella.

Bella was here.

I could hardly believe she was real.

But yet she were here – here in my arms.

I didn't have time to think about how this had occurred let alone ask for an explanation from her.

We were both in grave danger.

I had almost made another disastrous mistake and left Bella here unprotected, if she had arrived one second later…

In one quick motion I pulled her further into the alleyway and pushed her as gently as possible against the wall before putting myself in a protective stance in front of her, spreading my arms wide.

At that very same moment, Felix and Demetri appeared at the end of the alleyway – both in dark cloaks that covered their pale skin, preventing it from sparkling in the sunlight. My chest was still bare and my shirt somewhere at my feet. I didn't even dare look down to locate it.

I had more important things to attend to – like thinking of how I could get Bella out of this ominous situation.

I needed her to escape.

To stand and fight wasn't an option; there wasn't a chance I could take on two skilled vampires as well as protecting Bella.

The consequences would be dire.

Courtesy seemed like the best option to begin with. Perhaps if I did not anger them, they would be lenient.

All I wanted was the keep Bella safe.

To save her as she had saved me – once again.

"Greetings gentlemen. I don't think I will be requiring your services today after all. I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters." I said in a polite tone without showing any hint of the anger that effervesced in the pit of my stomach.

"Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?" Felix suggested.

"I don't believe that will be necessary. I know your instructions, Felix. I haven't broken any rules." I replied curtly.

I hadn't actually exposed my true self, but I had attempted to – would that be reason enough for them to exterminate me?

"Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun. Let us seek better cover." Demetri said calmly.

I could see in their minds, they had no intention of allowing us to escape. They had been ordered to bring me back, and since Bella was clearly human – she could not be allowed to leave.

Even so, there was no harm in attempting to change their mind first instead of surrendering right away.

I could not allow Bella to be taken from me and I didn't want to leave her side, but I would go with them if it meant Bella's release.

"I'll be right behind you. Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?"

I couldn't bear the thought of being apart from Bella after we had only just been reunited – but if it was the only possible solution to keep her free from harm then I had to follow it through.

_Definitely not. _Demetri thought.

"No, bring the girl." Felix jeered.

"I don't think so!" I replied angrily. There was absolutely no way Bella was coming into the Volturi's den.

_Very well._ _We will force you to come. _Felix hissed in this mind.

I rearranged my stance to ensure Bella was fully protected by my form in case of a spontaneous attack.

"No." Bella mouthed to me noticing what I was doing.

"Shh." I hushed her.

Felix was about to initiate his attack which did not go unnoticed by Demetri.

"Felix." He cautioned. "Not here."

Demetri turned his attention back to me once Felix appeared to have backed down.

"Aro would simply like to speak to you again, as you have decided not to force our hand after all."

"Certainly." I agreed. "But the girl goes free."

I didn't use Bella's name in an attempt to suggest she was not significant in the matter at hand, although she was the greatest importance to me.

"I'm afraid that's not possible. We do have rules to obey." Demetri said with regret in his tone.

"Then I'm afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation, Demetri."

"That's just fine." Felix droned. _We will still require your presence, along with your little girlfriend's. _

"Aro will be disappointed." Demetri sighed.

"I'm sure he will survive the let down." I replied.

_That is beside the point, Edward. It is time to come, now_.

Both Volturi guards moved to surround myself and Bella, determined to overpower us and follow their master's instructions.

_Edward! What were you thinking? How could you be so irresponsible? Thank goodness we arrived on time. Well almost, at least. _Alice's rushed silent words swam through my head. My head whipped round to face the direction her thoughts came from.

Alice was here?

Of course she was. I had completely forgotten that she probably would have seen me come to Volterra in a vision.

It also explained how Bella got here.

I was slightly disgruntled by my sister's action in bringing Bella here. How could she drag her into this? All the same though I was grateful for Alice's involvement and presence.

Felix and Demetri became wary as they heard the faint approach of pixie feet.

_Who's there_?Felix thought as he and Demetri turned to face the same direction as me.

"Let's behave ourselves, shall we? They're ladies present." Alice spoke as she skipped to my side. Her manner appeared casual, but it was pretence. I could see the underlying annoyance in her mind.

Both Volturi members straightened up at her arrival.

Felix's expression was grim as he thought; _we should have dealt with this immediately. Let's do it now before anymore of their friends come and join them. _

They obviously didn't like not having the upper hand now the numbers were even.

Just as I was about to fall into a defensive crouch in preparation for attack, Alice spoke.

"We're not alone."

I followed her gaze and realised what she was referring to.

I had not noticed the on lookers; a young family peering down the alleyway.

The family of four stood gazing at us intently, particularly at my protective posture in front of Bella.

The thoughts of the parents were of concern, and uncertainty about whether they should call for help or intervene.

I wanted to shout for them to move. They shouldn't get involved; it could cost them their lives.

Felix was already contemplating what could be done about them.

The father decided it was time to make the human security aware of the situation in case anything happened.

Demetri shook his head. _Edward, you don't want the __innocents__ implicated do you? _

I ignored his silent question.

"Please, Edward, let's be reasonable."

"Let's, and we'll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser."

_I can't let you do that_.Demetri sighed in frustration.

He knew my decision could not be influenced when we were even numbered, not including Bella – my fragile human.

"At least let us discuss this more privately."

The security guard had called reinforcements and there were now several uniformed men gathered deciding if this was the right moment to intercede.

I heard light footstep not audible to human ears, coming deeper into the alleyway.

Jane.

_Edward! Stop this at once. _

She had been sent to assist Felix and Demetri in bringing me in. She didn't look remotely surprised by the company with us.

"No." I hissed through my teeth.

Felix smirked as he heard Jane's approach, and both he and Demetri relaxed as they knew their mission would be completed easily following the arrival of the diminutive Jane.

I hadn't looked at Bella during the confrontation, but I was certain she wore an anxious expression on her beautiful face.

"Enough." Jane said _tersely__. If you do not procee__d w__ith me to Aro, then I will be forced to impose my talent on your dear little friend._

She pictured it in her mind.

She was threatening to hurt my Bella.

How dare she?

I was furious and had the overpowering urge to dismember her on the spot.

I could not refuse her.

I had to go; we all had to.

With regret and dejection I dropped my arms in defeat and relaxed my protective posture.

"Jane." I sighed with anger and resignation, but also as a sign of my cooperation.

Alice crossed her arms angrily across her chest but maintained an impassive expression.

_Who does she think she is? _Alice snorted in her head.

"Follow me." Jane said as she turned and drifted back in the direction she had come.

Alice pranced after Jane whilst Felix gestured for me and Bella to follow. I wound my arm around Bella's waist and pulled her along gently beside me.

As we walked down the familiar alleyway towards the discreet entrance of the Volturi's lair, I realised this was my opportunity get some explanations.

I needed answers.

I wanted to know the reason why we – meaning myself, Bella and my sister were here.

How did we all end up here?

What caused this?

It was imperative that I understood before we encountered our impending doom.

Felix and Demetri were not relishing the fact that we had to walk at human pace due to Bella, but I disregarded their silent complaining and focused on obtaining the information I required from Alice.

Alice's thoughts were with Jasper – missing him.

I needed to prompt her in someway so she would think specifically about recent events.

"Well, Alice. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here."

In an instant I saw her and Bella's frantic journey from Forks to save me, and her telling my other family members not to follow in case a situation similar to the one we were in now ensued.

"It was my mistake. It was my job to set it right." She replied. _I'm sorry Edward. I had no idea Rosalie would be so malevolent by telling you right away. I would have told you myself, but I thought I was doing the right thing by checking __with__ Charlie first. _She continued in her head.

"What happened?" I asked casually, hoping she would give me a brief description for the sake of the Volturi vampires within earshot, and then elaborating in her mind for me to observe.

"It's a long story." Alice shot a glance at Bella. _As it usually is with our Bella Swan. _"In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella is all about extreme sports these days."

I didn't appreciate Alice's sarcasm; I wanted to scream out in fury at what I saw in her head.

Bella.

Cliff diving.

The company of werewolves. Ferocious creatures.

I didn't understand. She had promised not to be stupid or reckless, but this went beyond irresponsible.

It got worse.

Other vampires.

Laurent.

Victoria.

Victoria had gone back to Forks – for my Bella.

My departure was the cause of all these new wildly dangerous activities Bella had been participating in.

I was responsible.

Would I ever stop endangering my love?

I detested myself more than I though possible.

Remembering and feeling that Bella was now in my arms kept me calm. However she wasn't safe here with me now, although I vowed in my head to never hurt her again.

"Hm." I managed to choke out.

What had I done?

I had introduced Bella into a dangerous mythical world and left her to encounter it alone.

It seems like the werewolves had been attempting to protect Bella, and one in particular – Jacob Black, had formed quite an intense friendship with Bella in my absence. I couldn't control the feeling of jealously that crept up my spine.

He was there when I should have been.

Friends with a werewolf?

I retained from snorting out in disgust.

Yes, Bella was truly a magnet for peril.

Unwillingly, I brought myself out of Alice's head and back into reality.

Alice was controlling her thoughts well, but I had an inclination that she was preventing me from seeing something.

What and why?

I didn't have time to question her but I was glad to understand the details of the recent events a little more clearly.

We reached the hole in the street that I had followed Felix and Demetri down the previous day.

Alice disappeared down after Jane.

Bella hesitated cautiously.

I thought about going ahead to catch her, but I didn't want to leave her side for a second, especially with two blood-thirsty vampires behind us.

"It's all right, Bella. Alice will catch you."

"Alice?" she whispered to ensure she was there, prepared.

"I'm right here, Bella." _It's okay, Edward I will catch her. Drop her down. _

Bella crouched down as I removed my arm from around her waist and grabbed her wrists softly and lowered her into the dark underground.

"Ready?" I asked my sister, hoping she would catch Bella as gently as possible.

"Drop her." Alice called to me sensing my reluctance.

I held my breath, released my grip and let Bella fall into the blackness.

I felt my newly refilled chest pinch to lose her touch.

I heard Alice catch her and I jumped down straight after. I was instantly at her side pulling her back into an embrace.

Bella wrapped her arms around me, which sent warmth through my frozen form.

I reached up with my free hand to stroke her face, trying to soothe her as she staggered along.

Occasionally I would softly kiss her hair, breathing in her intoxicating scent and she clutched me tighter.

I longed to talk to Bella and soothe her mind.

Her mind must have been racing with endless questions about what was coming and where we going. But the silence was necessary, firstly because of the eavesdropping Volturi guard surrounding us; I didn't want to show any vulnerability, and secondly because, I didn't know what was looming ahead of us.

The atmosphere was tense and the complaining thoughts of Felix and Demetri at our slow pace was irritating, however I revelled in their annoyance.

I realised Bella was wet when she started shivering.

Why was she wet?

Her shaking became more violent – probably from the coldness and fear.

Her teeth started chattering and I realised that the temperature of my glacial skin wasn't helping her.

I released my embrace; I couldn't bear to lose our touch completely and I continued to hold her hand.

"N-n-no." She stuttered.

I chafed her arm continuously trying to cause some warm from the friction of our skin moving against each others.

She didn't want me to let go?

I felt an overpowering feeling of love.

Did she still love me?

Did she forgive me?

Maybe I would never find out.

I heard the metal gate shut loudly marking the arrival at our final destination.

My anger increased with every step.

I clenched my teeth shut to prevent myself from snarling out a malicious growl.

My pathetic attempts at protecting her had almost cost my precious Bella her life before; and now I was walking her into another potentially deadly situation.


	17. Chapter 16 Deathly Circumstances

**Chapter 16 – Deathly Circumstances **

There was no exit.

No way out for us.

I never took my eyes off Bella as I concentrated on the thoughts of those opposing us for any signal of attack.

Jane's thoughts remained content and smug. She was somewhat proud of herself for acquiring the suicidal vampire along with his unusual companions.

When we reached the reception area, after taking the identical route I had taken the previous day, I noticed that Bella was scrutinising Gianna – the receptionist, and understood immediately that she was aware that Gianna was in fact a human; living and working among these vile creatures.

Alice was focusing hard, attempting to see what awaited us, and what the verdict would be, but it seemed the Volturi leaders had not made a conclusive decision yet.

Jane acknowledged Gianna as we passed the reception desk and proceeded through set of old oak doors, where Alec awaited.

"Jane." he greeted.

"Alec." She responded, embracing him. After their brief salutation, they both then turned their attention to Alice, Bella and me.

"They send you out for one, and you come back with two…and a half." Alec said glancing at Bella. "Nice work." _Ah, the girl must be Edward's little girlfriend. _He thought to himself.

Jane gave a shrill laugh. She enjoyed the praise.

"Welcome back, Edward. You seem in a better mood."

"Marginally." I replied to the young blonde boy.

Alec chuckled at my blunt response, and then looked at Bella clinging onto me.

"And this is the cause of all the trouble?"

I forced a smile onto my face, while gritting my teeth shut to hold back the growl that crept up my throat.

_I'll have her. I'm thirsty and she smells appetizing. _

I instantly stilled at the thoughts of a vampire behind me.

I wanted to grab Bella and run.

"Dibs." Felix called aloud.

I couldn't control it.

I couldn't hold it back.

I whipped round and let out a menacing snarl.

He would not touch my Bella.

I would never let him near her.

Never.

Felix raised his hand and motioned with his fingers encouraging me to come forward and challenge him.

_Come on, Edward. I will happily destroy you, before her._

I wanted to obliterate him.

I wanted to rip his head off with my bare hands.

I was just about to push Bella out the way and pounce, when something touched my arm and interrupted my impending attack.

Alice.

"Patience." She warned me. _Calm down, Edward. Think of Bella._

She was right.

I couldn't lose control around Bella.

She could get gravely injured, or worse.

Although I had already put Bella in this possibly deathly situation, an attack on a valuable member of the Volturi guard would certainly have dire consequences. It made me wonder, who would protect Bella if a fight broke out?

It was my responsibility.

My sole objective.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down.

_Coward._ Felix hissed in his mind.

I tried with extreme effort to ignore him and focus on the task at hand – getting out…alive.

"Aro will be pleased to see you again." Alec spoke as if the confrontation had never occurred. But I could see in his mind, he was disappointed that Alice had prevented me from attacking.

"Let's not keep him waiting." Jane said.

I merely nodded.

Alec and Jane holding hands led the way.

As we walked, I discovered from their thoughts that where they were taking us was not a place of discussion or solace.

Some were already gathered there.

Waiting.

It was the vampire's dining room.

And the vampire's were gathered waiting for their meal to arrive.

This was not the place I should be allowing my Bella to go.

I did not want her beautiful soul to linger in this awful place.

One fragile human in the midst of so many thirsty vampires.

We would both be dead in seconds.

Bella for her sweet blood.

Me for protecting her.

I couldn't bear to think about what could happen.

What might very well happen.

When we arrived at the room, I was extremely tense.

I relaxed slightly as I looked into their minds.

Aro had strictly ordered everyone not to attack without command, or without justifiable provocation, but he could not have anticipated that Bella would be present. Bella looked around, utterly astonished.

I watched her eyes land one particular vampire in the room.

Aro.

She must have recognised him from the canvas I once showed her, in my father's office.

"Jane, dear one, you've returned." He spoke enthusiastically.

"Yes, master. I brought him back alive just as you wished." She replied adoringly. Her overwhelming desire to gratify him reminded me of how I longed to delight Bella.

"Ah, Jane. You are such a comfort to me." His enthusiasm mounted into wholesome excitement as he eyed Bella and Alice.

_The future seeker! The fortune teller!_ Aro exclaimed in his mind.

"And Alice and Bella, too!" he rejoiced, whilst clapping, recognising them from my memories. "This is a surprise! Wonderful!" _I think it is time to get Caius and Marcus here._ He quickly turned to Felix, "Felix, be a dear and tell my brothers about our company. I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss this."

"Yes, master." Felix replied before swiftly disappearing back through the doors we had just entered. Aro then diverted his attention to me. I could not understand his excitement, as he was attempting to block me from his thoughts.

Was he thrilled by our capture?

By the possibility of annihilating us?

"You see, Edward? What did I tell you? Aren't you glad that I didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?"

"Yes, Aro, I am." I agreed.

I tightened my embrace of Bella – ensuring she was still safely beside me. I was petrified that any moment she would disappear. On the other hand, I wanted her to not be here, not to be involved. I wanted her to be safe, as I always have. But it had recently been proven that whatever I wanted for Bella was not sufficient to keep her safe, or with me.

_Bella is alive, after all. Alice must have been mistaken. Her gift seemed flawless, but perhaps it is not consistently accurate__; a__ll the same, a tremendous talent to have. _Aro spoke the words in his head.

His concentration lapsed slightly allowing me access to his thoughts for a moment.

A moment was all I needed.

His excitement was due to the presence of my sister.

Alice.

He wanted her desperately.

Well, it was her talent he craved.

He wanted me too – but from that very instant witnessed her talent through my thoughts he had wanted her in his coven. And, now he could not believe his good fortune as she stood before him.

"I love a happy ending." Aro signed. I could see the image of his happy ending in his mind. It involved me and Alice standing imperiously by his side, two impressive new members of an already shockingly effective team of predators.

"They are so rare. But I want the whole story. How did this happen? Alice?" Aro fixed his desirably on my sister as he spoke to her. "Your brother seemed to think you infallible but apparently there was some mistake."

"Oh, I'm far from infallible." Alice smiled. _What has Edward told him about me?_ She wondered as her hands balled up into little fists, as if to hold in the anxiety she was feeling. She felt uncomfortable with Aro's knowledge of her and it made her apprehensive. "As you can see, I cause problems as often as I cure them."

"You are too modest," Aro reproached. "I've seen some of your more amazing exploits, and I must admit, I've never seen observed anything like your talent. Wonderful!"_ It would be an astounding contribution to our guard. They both would._ He continued in his thoughts, as images of me and Alice flashed in his mind.

_Edward?_

Alice's eyes flickered to me for a split second as words raced through her head. _How does he know so much about me? Why is he acting like he knows me?_

Alice's wary glance at me did not go unnoticed by the observant Volturi leader.

"I'm sorry; we haven't been introduced properly at all, have we? It's just that I feel like I know you already, and I tend to get ahead of myself. Your brother introduced us yesterday, in a peculiar way. You see, I share some of your brother's talent, only I am limited in a way he is not." Aro explained. His tone exhibited a hint of jealously at the fact that I could read minds from a distance.

"And also exponentially more powerful." I interjected.

_He can read minds too?_ Alice asked silently.

My sister was still slightly confused. She had heard Carlisle's recollection of his time spent here in Volterra with the Volturi, but at the time he had not elaborated on the specific vampire talents of those here. I had been the one who had been particularly interested in every detail and asked endless questions on many different occasions. I would have to explain now, so she would understand.

"Aro needs physical contact to hear your thoughts, but he hears much more then I do. You know I can only hear what's passing through your mind in the moment. Aro hears every thought you ever had."

Alice raised her eyebrows in surprise. _But he can't hear my thoughts now? He can't hear what I'm saying to you in my head right now?_

I inclined my head as a response. She would know what I meant. We often immersed ourselves in these silent exchanges. Our family was used to it by now, and sometimes they weren't aware of it at all. Bella, being her observant self, nearly always noticed, but other humans were oblivious.

Aro noticed it now, but he ignored it slightly irritated that he could not hear.

"But to hear from a distance…" he paused, letting out a sigh before gesturing to me and Alice's silent exchange. "That would be so convenient."

_What is he doing back here?_ I heard Caius's thoughts as he entered the room, followed by Marcus and Felix. I swiftly turned to face their direction. Alice mimicked my movement and recognized Aro's brothers from the familiar canvas pictured in her mind.

_Who are the others? The girl is human. I thought she was dead_. Caius scowled silently.

Marcus's gaze was instantly drawn to my arm that was wrapped around Bella. He was scrutinizing our relationship – which somehow mystified him.

I was confused.

How could the potency of our relationship be strong enough to bewilder?

Bella and I were no longer together in that sense.

Of course, my feelings for her had not changed in the duration of our separation.

If anything, my love for her had intensified.

She was my savior, my angel.

But it was not possible that Bella still felt the same for me – I had hurt her too much.

Marcus's attention moved onto the relationship I shared with my sister, and then onto the one between Alice and Bella. I could see his evaluations in his mind, and he was now dumbfounded, although he never showed any indication in his expression. He had never encountered such true and deep bonds of love and friendship between vampires, and defiantly not between vampires and a human.

"Marcus, Caius, look! Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't it wonderful? Aro crooned.

Neither responded, or exhibited one ounce of the excitement displayed by their brother.

"Let us have the story."

Marcus floated to Aro to inform him of his thoughts. At the brief contact, Aro raised his eyebrows as he saw the results of Marcus's examination of our relationships.

_Extraordinary!__ Surely they cannot care for each other with __such__ intensity. I suppose the verity that Bella is alive could prove Edward's love for her. But Alice and Edward they are not strictly related. And Alice and Bella? It is not possible._

I snorted at Aro's silent analysis.

Of course it was feasible.

His own brother had just shown him.

How could he doubt it?

I honestly and truly loved all my family unconditionally. Alice and Bella had developed a true friendship, and now they were like sisters.

I could not begin to explain the love I felt for Bella.

It was utterly awe-inspiring and even I did not understand it.

Bella kept reeling me in, no matter what I did to try and protect her and stay away, I could not resist her.

"Thank you, Marcus. That's quite interesting." Aro said shaking his head trying to comprehend. "Amazing, absolutely amazing."

_What is he talking about, Edward? _Alice demanded silently, venting her frustration at the cryptic spoken comments and exchanges.

"Marcus sees relationships and he is surprised by the intensity of ours. "I explained to Bella and Alice swiftly and quietly, even though every other vampire in the room could hear.

"So convenient." Aro said. _To answer ones unspoken questions_. He finished in his thoughts. "It takes quite a lot to surprise Marcus, I can assure you." Aro focused on the arm I had wrapped around Bella's waist, whilst wondering how I could be so close to her when her blood was what I yearned for so desperately. I would admit the situation was inexplicable, but it was almost effortless for me to be in Bella's presence now.

Was it because of the deadly circumstances we found ourselves in?

It must be.

I had always had an overpowering desire to protect her rather than kill her.

Before I had departed Forks, it was a constant struggle to control myself.

Now there was something different.

Something I didn't understand.

I don't know what had changed.

Her scent was more intoxicating than ever.

It still burned my throat.

But the fire in my throat was not dreadful.

It was irritating, but not painful.

It was no longer Bella's blood I craved…it was exclusively her soul that I coveted.

Aro would never understand.

He had never experienced the heartbreak I had suffered.

"It's just so difficult to understand even now. How can you stand so close to her like that?" Aro pondered.

"It's not without effort."

"But still, la tua cantante! What a waste!"

I chuckled at his statement.

It was true.

Bella was my singer.

Her blood sang to me.

"I look at it more as a price."

"A very high price." Aro said hesitantly.

"Opportunity cost."

"If I hadn't smelled her through your memories, I wouldn't have believed the call of anyone's blood could be so strong. I've never felt anything like it myself. Most of us would trade much for such a gift, and yet you…."

"Waste it." I interjected sarcastically, repeating his previous remark.

I was becoming impatient.

I was tired of the polite conversation.

I no longer wished to explain my love for Bella; frankly it was none of their business.

Aro laughed as he remembered my father's determination and restraint. Carlisle had never killed a human, even during his time spent here in Volterra. The Volturi thought our way of life, living off animal blood was impractical. They thought we should truly embrace the creatures that we are. Instead, my family refrained from that part of the vampire existence.

"Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! You remind me of him, only he was not so angry."

"Carlisle outshines me in many other ways as well." I replied.

"I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self-control of all things, but you put him to shame," he said.

"Hardly," I said intolerantly.

"I am gratified by his success. Your memories of him are quite a gift for me, though they astonish me exceedingly. I am surprised at how his success in the unorthodox path he's chosen pleases me. I expected that he would waste, weaken with time. I'd scoffed at his plan to find others who would share his peculiar vision. Yet, somehow, I am happy to be wrong."

I did not reply.

"But your restraint! I did not know such strength was possible. To inure yourself against such a siren call, not just once but again and again. If had not felt it myself, I wouldn't have believed."

I did not dignify his oration with a response. My impatience was building. Why couldn't he just deal with the matter at hand – our freedom?

"Just remembering how much she appeals to you…It makes me thirsty," he chortled.

I froze up with tension.

No. Bella would not be his meal. Ever.

Aro noticed my apprehension.

"Don't be disturbed." He said reassuringly.

I searched in his mind thoroughly. There was no sign of an attack.

"I mean her no harm. But I am curious, about one thing in particular. May I?" he asked gazing at Bella intently.

He was asking me if he could attempt to access her mind.

I couldn't make Bella's decisions for her.

"Ask her." I stated.

"Of course, how rude of me! "Bella, I am fascinated that you are the one exception to Edwards's impressive talent. So very interesting that such a thing should occur! And I was wondering, since our talents are similar in many ways, if you would be so kind as to allow me to try, to see if you are an exception for me as well."

Bella's eyes flashed to my face glowing with terror.

I nodded in encouragement. Although I didn't want him touching her I knew he wouldn't hurt her right now. The look in her eyes tore at me. I hated seeing her so scared.

Bella raised her hand to Aro's, and the instant they touched I knew her mind would not grant him access. I felt slightly relieved that I was not the only one who was prohibited from reading her mind.

Aro was disgruntled by this revelation and was curious as to how Bella's mind worked.

"A first! I wonder if she is immune to our other talents…Jane, dear?"

"No!" I snarled furiously.

Absolutely no way.

Alice grabbed my arm, but I shook her off.

"Yes, master?" Jane smiled at Aro.

"Jane, I was wondering, my dear one, if Bella is immune to you too."

I was enraged.

Ferocious growls echoed around the room.

I needed to protect Bella.

Jane would hurt her grievously just for enjoyment.

I would have to obliterate her first. She was not allowed near Bella. Ever!

Jane turned to look at Bella with a devilishly malevolent expression.

No! I screamed in my head.

I sprang forward toward her, to ambush her attack on my Bella.

"Don't!" Alice cried.

Midway through the air I was jolted, and fell instantly to the stone floor.

Thousands of electric shocks ran through my body making me shake vigorously.

This pain was excruciating.


	18. Chapter 17 Premonition

**Chapter 17 – Premonition**

My body made involuntary jerking movements as I writhed around on the stone floor.

My whole form was paralysed with pain.

I wanted to scream – but I couldn't.

I couldn't let Bella see in how much pain I was in, it would horrify her.

The searing pain that dominated me was not, however the worse pain I had ever experienced.

As every jolt scorched my heart it reminded me that there was a more wounding pain.

I had suffered pain much worse than this. What Jane was inflicting upon me now was nothing compared to losing my Bella.

Leaving her.

Trying to survive without her.

Believing she was dead.

I knew that any other pain I experienced would never be as horrendous as that.

I let the shocks take over my body.

I deserved the punishment.

I accepted that this was part of my chastisement for converting Bella's life from safe and normal to disturbing and dangerous.

Conversely, no punishment ever inflicted upon me would come close to what I truly deserved, for being the monster that I despised so much.

Not Jane's pain-inflicting power.

Not the Volturi.

Not even death itself.

Bella's sweet voice touched my ears.

"Stop!" she screeched.

I wanted her sight to be averted; she shouldn't have to see Jane's malicious power in action.

"Jane." Aro ordered her to stop and suddenly I was motionless and numb.

"He's fine." I heard Alice tell Bella.

The shocking pain had vanished.

I sat up.

_That serves you right for trying to attack me, Edward._ Jane thought. _Next?_

I sprang to my feet and stared at Bella horror-struck as Jane forced her power onto her.

I braced myself to pounce at Jane again, but I was distracted by Bella's unchanging stance.

She didn't fall.

She didn't crumble in pain.

I promptly switched my gaze to Jane, who was extremely confused.

She had attacked.

She attempted to inflict the pain again.

I breathed a sigh of overwhelming relief.

Bella's mind was shielded from Jane's formidable power.

_How is that possible? How can it not work?_ Jane growled in her mind as she shook with fury.

At that moment I was vastly appreciative that Bella's amazingly abnormal mind blocked such intrusions by Aro and Jane.

A beautifully special mind.

An inaccessible and intriguing mind.

In one swift movement I was by Alice's side pulling Bella back safely into my arms.

Aro started to chuckle, obviously amused by the whole situation, whereas Jane was infuriated and hissed in frustration as she glared at Bella.

"Don't be put out, dear one. She confounds us all." Aro said, comforting her. "Ha, ha, ha." Aro chuckle gleefully. "You're very brave, Edward, to endure in silence. I asked Jane to do that to me once - just out of curiosity" He continued.

I shot him a look of disgust.

I was not brave.

The courage I had expressed was necessary in the circumstances.

It was for protection.

I had to appear strong as reassurance – for Bella.

I didn't want her to be afraid, as I was.

"So what do we do with you now?" Aro asked aloud but to himself.

My body froze at the same time as Alice stilled beside me.

The time has come for them to reach a verdict.

To decide our fate.

The tension in the chamber mounted.

_Kill them!_ Caius and Felix thought simultaneously.

I had a devastating feeling that this situation would end badly, whether we were allowed to continue living, or not. In Bella's case it would be living, as for me and Alice, we would merely continue to exist.

Bella began to quiver, presumably out of fear. If I wasn't able to maintain my posture then I would also be trembling.

I could not sooth the anxiety any of us were feeling.

"I don't suppose there's any chance that you have changed your mind? Your talent would be an excellent addition to our little company." Aro asked optimistically before continuing silently in his head for only me to hear. _It goes without saying, Edward, if you accept, your life will be preserved. _

Jane and Felix grimaced and their thoughts allowed me to observe their abhorrence of Aro's request.

Aro had issued me with an ultimatum.

I would rather perish than join their forces; however I had a more crucial objective – the guarantee of Bella's safety and survival. Maybe I could use this as a bargaining device to ensure Bella kept her liberty.

If I had learnt anything from the previous six months, it was that I would never allow Bella to be subject to death due to my own actions.

I had already experienced losing her.

I honestly believed that I had made a significant contribution to her jumping off that cliff.

Now we had been reunited, I had undeservingly been given a second chance to be there for her – to protect her. I would do anything necessary to endeavor to maintain her living status, and hopefully I would still be present to see her released.

If I had no other choice than to join the Volturi in order to keep Bella alive, I would join without hesitation. However, this was not the right moment to commence negotiations so I stated my words clearly.

"I'd…rather…not Aro." I said enunciating my words distinctly, but not issuing a definite refusal.

"Alice? Would you perhaps be interested in joining us?" Aro asked my sister.

"No, thank you." She replied politely. _I would rather __forgo__ shopping for a month than join these people._ She informed me in her head. I respected my sister for trying to lighten my mood, but I was preoccupied with Aro's next intended offer.

What!

What the hell was he doing?

I could feel my anger rising.

He couldn't.

Absolutely not.

"And you, Bella?"

I saw an astounding beautiful vampire depicted in his head, and let out a low hiss.

I felt myself fill with anxiety.

Bella had previously desired to become a vampire – did she still want that?

Would she accept Aro's offer?

It was Caius who echoed my first thought aloud.

"What?" he demanded.

"Caius, surely you see the potential. I haven't seen a prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec. Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?" Aro explained.

Caius ignored him and turned away with an abrasive expression upon his face, whilst muttering profanities in his mind.

I was filled with fury, trying not to allow the growl building in my chest to escape my lips.

Bella's voice trembled as she whispered, "No, thank you."

Her rejection pleased me slightly.

"That's unfortunate. Such a waste" Aro sighed in disappointment.

"Join or die, is that it? I suspected as much when we were brought into this room. So much for your laws." I demanded furiously

I did not intend to anger the Volturi, but I had to ask with hope of seeing Aro's intentions in his head.

"Of course not. We were already convened here, Edward, awaiting Heidi's return. Not for you." He replied.

He blocked his thoughts from me, I couldn't see his plan of action, but surely the outcome could not be good.

"Aro, the law claims them." Caius jeered. _The girl is human. At the very least the law claims her. _

"How so?" I interjected, wanting Caius to voice his opinions aloud.

He pointed at Bella whilst his words were directed at me.

"She knows too much. You have exposed our secrets."

"There are few humans in your charade here, as well." I argued.

"Yes, but when they are no longer useful to us, they will serve to sustain us. That is not our plan for this one. If she betrays our secrets, are you prepared to destroy her? I think not." He ridiculed.

"I wouldn't…" Bella started to speak, but was quickly silenced by Caius with a look, as he carried on with his speech.

"Nor do you intent to make her one of us; therefore, she is a liability. And for this, the penalty is her life. You may live if you wish." _But I doubt you will give her up that easily._

I bared my teeth, my mouth dripping with my own venom. Caius wasn't of a dense nature, because he knew that I wouldn't surrender Bella to them so they could destroy her, while I walked away liberated with my sister.

"That's what I thought." _Let's get this dealt with now, before Heidi arrives._

It seemed as if Felix had also heard Caius thoughts, as he leaned fervently towards Bella.

"Unless…" Aro interrupted.

I could see into his mind now, like he was showing me himself – granting me access.

He did not desire to destroy Bella as his brother did. He wanted to remain in the good faith of my family in a desperate attempt to acquire Alice someday in the future. All the same, he sought to obey the rules they had created.

"Unless you do intend to give her immortality?"

I thought about it for a split second.

Was I willing to take away Bella's life later, for the purpose of saving it at this present moment?

Could I promise to do that? – Something I had spent all this time refusing to give Bella.

Aro would surely want corroboration via my thoughts, meaning it was not possible to be untruthful.

"And if I do?" I asked curiously.

"Why, then you would be free to go home and give my regards to my friend Carlisle. But I am afraid you would have to mean it."

Just as I had suspected, Aro held out his hand towards me requesting my thoughts...my promise.

Caius smirked. _Now is the time we will discover his true intentions._

I looked at Bella, only to see her staring at me. I gazed deeply into her eyes – all the way into her soul.

It took my breath away.

Could I really annihilate that?

Could I destroy the very essence of Bella?

I knew in my frozen heart – I couldn't.

"Mean it, please." Bella whispered to me.

I saw a strained tortured plea in her eyes.

I longed to grant her any request she made, but not this. I could not lie in my thoughts.

Before I could think of an alternative, my sister stepped forward towards the Volturi leader with her hand outstretched.

_Don't be angry, Edward._

I ignored the scowling protests around me, and watched as Alice showed Aro every corner of her mind – specifically her vision of Bella becoming an immortal in the near future.

This puzzled me as I had steadfastly refused to change Bella, but then I saw Alice promise Bella that she would change her, herself.

I wanted to growl in annoyance at my sister.

How could Alice promise Bella that?

I didn't have the time to think about it, or question Alice right now…but I most certainly would later… if we were ever able to leave and I got the chance.

I held my breath throughout the whole period of time Aro was scrutinizing Alice's thoughts, hoping he would not want to examine mine also.

"Ha, ha, ha. That was fascinating!" Aro chortled, amazed at being granted access into Alice's intriguing mind."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it." Alice replied.

"To see the things you've seen – especially the ones that haven't happened yet!"

"But that will." She reminded him.

"Yes, yes, it's quite determined. Certainly there is no problem."

Internally I relaxed slightly.

Caius, Jane and Felix were displeased by this recent revelation, whereas Marcus and Alec remained quiet and impartial.

"Aro," Caius protested.

"Dear Caius, do not fret. Think of the hope for the future. Imagine the joy young Alice alone would bring to our little household…Besides, I'm so terribly curious to see how Bella turns out!"

I could hear a distant parade of people shuffling in the direction of this room.

The feast of humans for the blood thirsty vampires was rapidly approaching, which was our cue to escape while we were able to.

"Then we are free to go now?"

"Yes, yes, but please visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling!" Aro replied.

"And we will visit you as well; to be sure that you follow through on your side. Were I you, I would not delay too long. We do not offer second chances." Caius spoke with authority in his tone. _Consider that a threat, Edward._ He warned me in his head.

I gritted my teeth to prevent myself from speaking words I'd be likely to regret, and instead nodded at the threat of their imposing presence in our lives.

Felix groaned aloud, getting progressively more appetent. Bella's scent was tempting him, increasing his thirst.

"Ah Felix. Heidi will be here any moment. Patience." Aro said amused.

Aro was right – Heidi would soon be herding like animals, a vast number of humans into this very room, therefore I had to get Bella out of here quickly. If she realised what was about to happen, it would surely upset her.

"Hmm. In that case, perhaps we'd better leave sooner rather than later." I suggested.

"Yes. That's a good idea. Accidents do happen. Please wait below until after dark, though, if you don't mind." _Just to remain inconspicuous_. Aro added in his head.

I mentally winced at the thought of the accident that Aro was referring to occurring.

"Of course." I agreed. I was not relishing the fact that we had to remain in Volterra, rather than leaving this god-awful place immediately, however I did not want to dispute Aro's request as it would prolong our presence in this room.

"And here," Aro spoke whilst gesturing to Felix to come forward. He disrobed Felix and handed the cloak to me, as I was still shirtless. "Take this. You're a little conspicuous."

I put on the cloak, whilst Aro watched me intently.

"It suits you." He sighed.

I chuckled at his comment, glad that the outcome of today's events hadn't concluded with the disastrous consequences I had expected. We were free and I was not part of his coven.

"Thank you, Aro. We'll wait below."

"Goodbye, young friends." Aro said with slight disappointment, before his attention was otherwise distracted by the audience behind us.

"Let's go." I said urgently.


	19. Chapter 18 Nightmare

**Chapter 18 – Nightmare**

"Not fast enough." Alice muttered as we made our exit from the room as quickly as humanly possible.

My sister and I tried to shield Bella as much as we could by tightly surrounding her.

The voices, both spoken and silent were deafening and distinct now, as the ill-fated parade came into view. Voices babbled in the flow of people; it was almost impossible to distinguish between them but I realized that some were curious whilst others were fearful.

Aro was welcoming the unfortunate crowd into the room we had left only moments ago.

It truly disgusted me. I knew I was a monster, I had killed many people in the past, but those people were ghastly humans who had committed terrible acts, still it didn't make it right - but this charade that the Volturi hosted was barbaric.

I pulled Bella's face into my chest as we moved to the side to let the crowd pass.

Demetri, who was leading us back to the reception area, greeted Heidi on his way past.

"Welcome home, Heidi."

"Demetri."

"Nice fishing." He complimented her while he also praised her flamboyant appearance in his head.

"Thanks. Aren't you coming?"

"In a minute. Save me a few."

Heidi nodded, and then glanced curiously at my Bella.

_What is the human girl doing here? She isn't supposed to be part of my crowd, is she?_ She wondered silently.

I pulled Bella forward at a more rapid pace, but it wasn't quick enough, before we could get out the screaming erupted from the room behind us.

Demetri warned us again not to leave before night had fallen, and then left to claim his meal.

Bella was trembling vigorously.

"Are you all right?" I whispered to her.

She didn't respond.

Bella wore a horrified expression whilst appearing overawed and in a trance like state.

"You better make her sit before she falls. She's going to pieces." Alice said.

Heart-wrenching sobs escaped Bella's lips as I gently pulled her to the sofa farthest away from the reception desk, where the receptionist Gianna was standing, curious and startled by Bella's hysterical condition.

"Shh, Bella, shh." I tried to comfort her with words.

"I think she is having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her?" Alice suggested.

I threw Alice a disgusted look. Slapping Bella would certainly dislocate her head from her body with my vampire strength. I ignored her preposterous idea and focused on trying to calm Bella down.

_Sorry_. Alice apologised silently.

I forgave her; after all, I would no longer exist if she hadn't come to my rescue today.

Bella's sobs became louder as she collapsed into my arms, surrendering her composure.

"It's all right, you're safe, it's all right." I repeated several times, hoping she would listen and calm down slightly.

Although Bella was extremely upset, I couldn't help but feel joy that she was in my arms, where I could feel the warmth of her smooth skin, and inhale her sweet scent. My memories hadn't done them justice.

I understood her anguish. She couldn't bear to think of my kind, of me being anything but monsters after what she had just seen and heard.

"All those people." She cried.

"I know."

"It's so horrible."

"Yes, it is. I wish you hadn't had to see that."

Tears escaped her tired eyes and ran smoothly down her soft cheeks. I used the cloak I was now wearing to wipe the salty wetness from her face.

I straightened up slightly when I heard footsteps and concerned thoughts heading our direction.

Gianna.

"Is there anything I can get for you?" She asked politely.

"No." I replied, wanting her to retreat back to her desk.

_Poor girl. Something must have really upset her_. She thought.

Was she really that oblivious?

I didn't waste my time wondering about Gianna's denial, and turned my attention back to Bella.

Bella seemed to calm down gradually, taking in deep breaths.

"Does she know what is going on here?" She asked me.

"Yes, she knows everything."

"Does she know that they're going to kill her someday?"

"She's hoping they'll decide to keep her."

Bella's face went pale as the lovely colour vanished from her cheeks.

"She wants to be one of them?" She whispered in confusion.

I nodded and watched her face intently, waiting for the revulsion to cross her expression.

It never came.

Instead her body shuddered forcefully.

"How can she want that? How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of that?"

I barely heard her second question as my mind was overpowered by the sudden sentiment of rejection and my heart plummeted in my chest.

She thought of me as a vile creature – like the ones contained here in Volterra.

She no longer wanted me in her life.

She despised vampires.

She was right – how could anybody want this life?

I should be pleased.

I should be happy that Bella didn't want this life.

But it would also mean she didn't want me.

She didn't want to know me, or have anything to do with me.

No…she hadn't actually said that…yet.

It was obvious that we had things to discuss, but now was neither the time nor the place – we hadn't entirely escaped the danger yet. But whatever happened, I would do whatever she desired.

"Oh, Edward." Bella sobbed.

I was suddenly more anxious.

Was she all right…truly?

"What's wrong?" I asked.

She didn't pull away from me when I rubbed her back gently, instead to my surprise, she wrapped her arms around my neck and so I hugged her closely.

"Is it really sick of me to be happy right now?" her voice quivered slightly with her words.

She was happy?

I felt happiness, but I knew the justification for that – Bella was here.

But why was Bella happy?

Was it just because we had not been dealt the card of death by the Volturi?

"I know exactly what you mean." I replied in a low voice.

Although I was positive Bella and I were both joyful for differing reasons. "But we have lots of reasons to be happy. For one, we're alive." I continued.

"Yes. That's a good one."

"And together." I added in a sigh.

I was blissfully overjoyed that we were together again, but as Bella merely nodded as a response – I concluded that she didn't share my happiness for that same reason. "And, with any luck, we'll still be alive tomorrow."

"Hopefully." She mumbled. Her dimmed response made my heart sink even lower in my chest. Something felt disturbingly wrong.

"The outlook is quite good." Alice informed us. "I'll see Jasper in less than twenty-four hours."

All Alice's anger had faded and her thoughts were entirely with Jasper. She missed him terribly.

I looked at Bella and I was slightly shocked by what I saw. I perceived things that I hadn't noticed before – perhaps I was too aware of the danger to notice them.

Bella looked sad and wary, as well as extremely tired. The dark circles under her eyes reminded me of my own apparent circles – but mine weren't due to lack of sleep. Her sadness seemed to go deeper, as if suffering had scarred her very being – something had damaged her soul.

She appeared broken.

I was desperate to know what had occurred to make Bella like this, but I had a gut-wrenching feeling that I was culpable.

"You look tired." I told her as I stroked the dark circles under her eyes.

"And you look thirsty." She replied looking at my black irises and the deep purple smudges under my own eyes.

I was thirsty, but I hadn't thought about it at all. Now that Bella had reminded me of the vampire within, my craving for blood became more evident, but strangely enough I was in complete control. I had no urge to devour.

"It's nothing." I shrugged, wondering what had revolutionized my system.

"Are you sure? I could sit with Alice."

Did she want me to hunt so I wasn't tempted to kill her? After what she had just seen, it was no surprise that she would be afraid, but there was no possible way I was leaving her now.

"Don't be ridiculous. I've never been in better control of that side of my nature than right now." I reassured her.

Bella fell silent then. I sensed there was something bubbling in her mind as she wore a very strained expression on her face, which wasn't due to her tiredness.

She was distant and remote, yet she stared back at me whilst I discussed travelling plans with Alice swiftly and quietly. I'm not certain Bella even understood.

_Where will we be going, Edward?_ Alice asked in her thoughts.

"To the airport in Florence." I replied, not providing her with the answer she wanted.

_You know what I mean. Will we be returning to Forks?_

I did not reply because I wasn't sure where I would be residing now.

_Well, we have to return, even if only to take Bella back to Charlie. _

I nodded.

I knew that I never wanted to leave Bella again. I wanted to remain forever by her side. The previous months had proved that I could barely survive without her.

But how did she feel?

Judging by her recent behaviour towards me; the physical closeness but the emotional distance – perhaps she had moved on, like I had originally meant for her to, when I had made the mistake of leaving her.

Whether my family and I would return to Forks depended on Bella, on what she wanted. It did not look promising.

If she wanted my family in her life, I would of course grant her that happily, whether she wanted me as a companion or not.

"We will need transportation to the airport." Alice said. _I hope I can find another __Porsche__, it was truly amazing._

"You can locate whichever you want when we leave." I responded to my sister.

"As soon as we leave I will collect our belongings from where I hid them, phone the airport to reserve seats on the next flight out and acquire a vehicle."

"You should probably call Carlisle and the family to notify them of our arrival. You can do that at the airport, I want to get out of this city as swiftly as possible."

"Yes, I will. I'll call jasper."_ I miss him, and want to hear his voice. Alice continued in her head._

"I know you do. You will see him soon. Oh, and Alice?"

_Yes?_

"Thank you…for everything."

You're welcome, Edward. I would do it again for you.

"I know." I smiled warmly.

_I wish we could go back to Forks permanently._

"We'll see."

"What was all that talk about singers?" Alice changed the subject, sensing it was not something I wanted to talk about, especially in front of Bella.

"La tua cantante." I recited.

"Yes, that." Why did they call Bella a singer?

I shrugged. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my singer – because her blood sings to me."

_I_ _would love to hear Bella sing to you_. Alice trilled in her mind.

For the remainder of our wait in the Volturi lair, I quizzed Alice on the events and activities of her and my other family members in my absence. Alice mostly replied in her thoughts.

_Not much has happened recently. We have been visiting Tanya, Kate, __Eleazar__ and Carmen in Denali over spring break at Cornell. They were asking about you, wondering how you were. Of course, we didn't know for sure. You never answered your phone when any of us called. You never contacted us. We __knew__ you needed time and privacy_.

"How are Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Jasper?" I asked, not including Rosalie. It seemed a lifetime ago since she had made that final call to me. I was justifiably livid with her – she had sent me to my death without a second thought.

"They are all fine." _Including Rosalie. I know you are going to be angry at her, Edward, but I'm sure she regrets her actions. She was impulsive and selfish, but she misses you, we all do. Things were different without you, somewhat morbid._

I couldn't help but feel guilty – I had no idea what hardships I had put my family through by not including them in my life for the past six months. I hadn't appreciated that most of them were upset about leaving Bella. I hadn't considered their feelings whatsoever, like I hadn't with Bella either. I had been utterly self-centred and the fact that they had respected my wishes and left me alone to suffer alone in solitude, whilst I had barely thought about any of them, made me feel even guiltier.

It was odd now that my mind seemed to be back to normal. I figured that since I was back in Bella's presence, my mind was able to think of other things as well as Bella.

I had been wholly restored.

My heart.

My mind.

And it was all because I was here with Bella.

Every so often I would place a light kiss on Bella – just to feel her skin and to make sure she was still there, not imaginary.

I could feel her in my arms, but my gestures of affection seemed to have no affect on her whatsoever, not like they used to, and this forced a difficult question into my mind.

What was I doing?

I couldn't expect to resume my previous position in Bella's life – Could I?

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of oncoming footsteps. I instinctively tightened my hold on Bella, as if someone was going to snatch her away from me.

"You are free to leave now. We ask that you don't linger in the city." Alec told us as he entered the reception area, seemingly fully satisfied from his recent repast.

"That won't be a problem." I replied, anxious to get Bella away from the monstrous place, she still wasn't completely safe…as she was still in the presence of vampires…of monsters…of me.

Gianna lead us to the exit, which I was already aware of from my previous visit.

_Foolish woman._ Alice thought of Gianna, as we proceeded to leave.

We exited into the midst of the festival in high spirits. Alice disappeared momentarily, but not before she informed me where to meet her. _I'll grab our belongings and meet you at the entrance with a car._

I barely interpreted her words as my attention was otherwise distracted.

The sky.

It was sparkling; alive with stars.

I had to blink twice to ensure I was not imagining the twinkling spots of light in the black night.

To the North was a bright crescent shaped moon.

Shining dazzlingly, bringing light and hope into my life once again.

It was strikingly beautiful.

I had spent months searching, hoping for them.

They lit up my life just as they illuminated the sky.

My nights were no longer dark.

The light elucidated my love for Bella.  
It radiated through me.

How I had yearned for the sparkling stars to appear, but I couldn't help but wonder – how long would they last?

We were surrounded by humans clothed as vampires with cloaks and plastic fangs. I didn't agree with some of their thoughts that the attire was entertaining. I did not find it remotely humorous. Mythical creatures had become commercialised. They were dangerous beings, not innocuous figures to be thought of only for their comedic value. I thought it was ludicrous for a festival to be held diminishing the menace of such monstrous beasts.

"Ridiculous." I muttered to myself.

"Where's Alice?" Bella whispered warily.

"She went to retrieve your bags from where she stashed them this morning."

Bella seemed to relax a little at my reply – maybe she was worried about being alone with me.

"She's stealing a car, too, isn't she?"

"Not till we're outside." I smiled at Bella's observant nature.

I supported her as we walked to meet Alice.

Bella could hardly walk due to exhaustion. I easily located Alice's thoughts in a black vehicle that she disapproved of. She was irritated by not having the Porsche to drive back in.

I helped Bella into the backseat and slid in next to her, just before Alice drove away at full speed.

"I'm sorry. There wasn't much to choose from." Alice said, as she gestured to the speedometer that didn't rise to the unlawful speed that she desired to drive at.

"It's fine, Alice. They can't all be 911 Turbos." I said, amused by her annoyance.

"I may have to acquire one of those legally. It was fabulous."

I'll get you one for Christmas." I promised her. It would be a diminutive gesture, the least I could do to express my gratitude to her.

_Really?_ She turned to beam at me with a smile that lit up her face.

"Yellow." She stated aloud, reminding me.

"You can sleep now, Bella. It's over." I said, wanting her to rest. She looked absolutely worn out.

"I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired."

"Try." I breathed across her skin, as I kissed her lightly beneath her ear.

She shook her head.

"You're still just as stubborn." I thought aloud.

_I managed to book us tickets on the next plane out to Rome. When we get there we will have to purchase tickets back to the U.S. Alice told me in her thoughts. _

I nodded.

We were really going back, which I was pleased about; but why did I have the sinking feeling that everything was slipping away?

When we arrived at the airport, Alice handed me some clothes she had brought for me. She was always prepared – one of her many qualities.

I dumped the cloak I had been given in the trash. It was a good riddance. Alice took Bella to the bathroom so they could both change and freshen up too. It pained me to be away from Bella for one moment. I ached to hold her in my arms again. We were reunited once more as we boarded our plane to Rome. The flight was quiet and short in duration. We were fortunate enough to get a flight as soon as we arrived in Rome. As we took our next plane to Atlanta, Bella surprised me by ordering a coke from the attendant. She disapproved of caffeine. I could feel the confused expression on my face. Was she that determined to stay awake?

"Bella?" I said in a questioning tone.

"I don't want to sleep. If I close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares."

Her last statement stopped me from continuing to persuade her to rest.

I didn't want her to have nightmares.

I would be included in them.

I assumed she would fall asleep on her own accord when her eyes would no longer be able to stay open. They would eventually fall.

We didn't talk again throughout the duration of the flight. The majority of the other passengers were sleeping, whilst Alice was rapidly talking on the phone to Jasper – informing him of the details of the last few days.

The tranquillity gave me time to reflect on my own thoughts. I kept Bella close – always in my arms, kissing her bare skin, and hair, inhaling her scent each time. In the Volturi's lair – I didn't have time to think about what the recent events signified – my mind had been preoccupied by the purpose of keeping Bella safe. I was constantly listening and aware of the surrounding thoughts, waiting for an unexpected incident to occur.

Amazingly Bella managed to remain awake, but she stayed silent. It was unfair of me to put her under pressure to answer the one the main question that was spinning in my head and making me very uneasy.

Did she still love me?

Numerous other questions raced through my mind;

Why was Bella here?

Did the fact that she had come mean that she still had feelings for me?

How much damage had I really caused her? – Forcing her into the claws of werewolves and cliff diving.

There was one question in particular that pained me to think about – How much had I hurt her?

Bella did not appear to be like her normal self – the Bella I knew and left six months ago, and I could sense that Alice knew something about it which she was determined to hide from me for now.

The whole flight my mind searched for answers.

I had none.

All I concluded was that Bella wanted to feel safe and she knew that Alice and I would protect her – which is why she held onto me when I hugged her close and allowed me to kiss her, but emotionally she was keeping her distance because she no longer wanted me.

She had finally comprehended how dangerous I truly was.

She had moved on.


	20. Chapter 19 Charlie

**Chapter 19 – Charlie!**

The flight duration seemed unbelievably short considering the endless amount of unanswered questions still flowing through my mind. When we landed at Atlanta airport, Bella became immediately alert despite fighting the exhaustion that was physically visible within her posture and appearance. Her expression transformed into anxiety as we exited the plane and proceeded into the airport. She often took swift glances at me as she stumbled alongside, but she looked away just as quickly. I aided her by holding her up to prevent her from collapsing. Her quick stares bore right into me, and I realised she seemed to be checking to ensure my presence was maintained as if she was worried I was going to leave. Perhaps, she assumed that now we were back that I would just disappear again.

I would not.

I would stay until she ordered me away.

I was determined not to lose the light that had re-entered my life.

The light that Bella brought.

I did not want to misplace the stars….again and return to the dark vacant loneliness.

Alice had informed me on the plane that our family would meet us at our destination. So I wasn't surprised when I located my parent's fretful thoughts the moment we had landed, or to see them waiting at the arrivals gate. Jasper made his way through the crowd to make his reunion with Alice. When they found each other, they just stared lovingly into each other's eyes. I never fully understood the intense love and connection they shared – until I met Bella.

Carlisle and Esme were standing in a quiet corner, away from any suspicious looks. Suddenly, I was penitent for my recent behaviour; my self-absorbed state had almost cost my life as well as my sister's and my love's. If the outcome of the events that occurred in Italy had been different, then I would have been responsible for depriving my adoptive parents of two children and for that I was unreservedly remorseful. Esme, having already lost a child, would be devastated. I knew how she felt about all of us. We were her children. She had become a vampire whilst being on the verge of death. She had attempted suicide because she lost her first baby. I had almost put her through that terrible grief…again.

I heard their almost inaudible exchange as we made our way through the gate.

"Thank goodness." Esme breathed as we came into their view.

"Alice informed us of their safety, dear." Carlisle replied.

"I know, but I had to see to believe."

As we came to a halt in front of them, Esme almost snatched Bella out of my arms to give her a fierce hug, but I kept my arms tightly around her – not willing to let her go. I realised it could have been potentially three children lost because Esme thought of Bella as a daughter; she had been just as concerned for her safety as much as mine and Alice's.

"Thank you so much." Esme said into Bella's ear as she embraced her.

_Edward! What were you thinking? I couldn't lose you!_ She thought as she threw her arms protectively around me.

"You will never put me through that again." She reprimanded me deservingly.

I smiled tenderly at the woman who had been my mother for such a long time.

"Sorry, Mom." I said, filled with sincere remorse.

_Edward, you can't believe how happy I am that you are all well. She is a remarkable girl._ My father spoke to me in his thoughts. He then turned to Bella to thank her for her actions in coming to my rescue.

"Thank you, Bella. We owe you."

"Hardly." She mumbled tiredly.

"She is dead on her feet. Let's get her home." Esme ordered.

She supported Bella's other side as we walked out towards the cars, where Rosalie and Emmett waited. My vengeance towards my sister who was the cause of my trip to Italy became my dominant emotional expression as I stilled at the sight of her.

I knew a furious confrontation should be avoided at the present time, therefore to prevent it I wanted to evade her by any means.

"Don't. She feels awful." Esme whispered as she noticed my hesitation.

"She should." I replied.

I was mostly annoyed that she had almost killed my Bella.

"It's not her fault." Bella stammered beside me.

"Let her make amends. We'll ride with Alice and Jasper." Esme encouraged. _I would like to know what happened from Alice anyway, and we will meet you at the house_. She continued in her head.

She meant the house in Forks, my home. My family would convene there to discuss future plans once I had reluctantly taken Bella home to Charlie.

I glared at Rosalie with accusing eyes, about to refuse to travel in the same vehicle as her, but Bella managed to convince me. I could not refuse her.

"Please, Edward." She almost begged for the comfort of no longer standing.

I sighed and towed her towards the sedan. We silently got into the car and Bella instantly leaned into me, resting her head on my chest and closing her eyes, finally giving into the fatigue that possessed her. As the engine ignited, Rosalie began apologising profusely in her head to me.

_I'm sorry, Edward. I'm terribly sorry. I didn't think. I was dense. I am truly sorry. Please can you forgive me? _

When I did not dignify her remark with a response, she spoke aloud.

"Edward?" _I'm sorry._

"I know." I said indifferently.

Once I had given her a sign of recognition of her apology she turned to Bella, which irritated me – I wanted Bella to rest. However, she rightly owed Bella at least a request for forgiveness.

"Bella?"

Bella's eyes fluttered open abruptly in what I presumed was astonishment since Rosalie had never gone out of her way to address Bella directly due to her envy of her.

"Yes, Rosalie?" Bella asked warily.

"I'm so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go and save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me."

Rosalie began hoping that if Bella was able to forgive her misdemeanour then it would persuade me to absolve her also.

"Of course, Rosalie. It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who jumped off the damn cliff. Of course I forgive you."

It was characteristic of Bella to take the blame for everything.

"It doesn't count until she is conscious, Rose." Emmett chuckled.

"I'm conscious." Bella slurred.

"Let her sleep." I interjected.

The car became silent and Bella was soon sleeping soundly.

Emmett decided to interrupt the hushed silence, when his inquisitive mind provoked him to ask questions.

"So, how's everything been going, Edward? Well, before all of this happened? Did you find that tracker's mate?"

I let out a low growl at the memory.

"I will take that as a negative." _I should have gone with you, even though you didn't want me to, I could have helped._ He continued in his head.

"How do you suppose Charlie will react when we arrive with his runaway daughter?"

"I don't suppose he will be pleased." Rosalie answered for me, thankfully.

I didn't want to answer questions.

I didn't want to explain myself or describe the recent events that had occurred in my life.

I wanted to take pleasure in the moment.

To enjoy Bella sleeping peacefully in my arms.

Holding her close to me.

Feeling her body.

Inhaling her scent.

Watching her chest rise and fall as she breathed.

Listening to the thrum of her heartbeat.

Just being in her presence.

I would deal with Charlie's inevitably furious reaction when the time came, which would be too soon.

As Emmett speedily approached the small town of Forks, I became increasingly fearful that Bella would soon be taken away from me. I longed for Emmett to drive slower, just to prolong the seconds I had left holding my love in my arms. I never wanted my eyes to be averted from her ever again – not even by blinking.

As we rounded the corner onto Bella's street, I clutched her tighter against me, very reluctant to let her go. The car came to an abrupt halt outside Bella's father's house. I heard Charlie trot to the window curiously, and I saw the curtains twitch in my peripheral vision.

_What the -!_ Charlie thought.

I opened the door and stepped out, walking round to the other side to carry Bella out.

_What the hell is he doing here?_ Charlie yelled in his head as he rushed to the front door.

As I lifted Bella into my arms she began to wake.

"Do you want me to wait, bro? Emmett asked in rapid words.

"Yes, I think that will be for the best, judging from Charlie's temper." I replied before I shut the car door.

Charlie bustled out of the house. _Jesus, what has he done to her?_ He thought as he saw the worn out Bella in my arms.

"Bella!" he shouted.

"Charlie." Bella mumbled as she stirred in my arms, still clearly exhausted.

"Shh. It's okay; you're home and safe. Just sleep." I whispered.

"I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here." Charlie bellowed at me. _Why couldn't you have just stayed away? Stayed away, away from my baby, from Forks._

"Stop it, Dad." Bella slurred incoherently.

"What's wrong with her?" Charlie demanded. _She looks half dead! What has he done to her?_

"She is just very tired. Please let her rest."

"Don't you tell me what to do! Give her to me. Get your hands off her!"

I could understand Charlie's anger. I was the reason for his daughter's disappearance over the past several days. He had been concerned, and with good reason. I figured the easiest option would be to concede to Charlie's demand and hand Bella over to him, if only to ease his mind slightly. I shifted Bella in my arms, ready to surrender her to the comfort of her father's, safely away from the vampire. But Bella held onto me, tightly for a human, probably afraid that Charlie might drop her. My mighty strength allowed me to carry her effortlessly. Charlie tugged on her arm trying to unlock her grip on me. I did not want to unlock her fingers attached to the front of my shirt. It was exactly what I was terrified of – someone attempting to seize Bella away from me.

"Cut it out, Dad. Be mad at me." Bella said in a more coherent voice.

"You bet I will be. Get inside." Charlie ordered.

"Kay, let me down."

I carefully released Bella to set her feet on the ground. She tried to take a step forward, except her feet did not move and instead her body fell forwards toward the concrete. I swooped down to catch her as fast as humanly possible without Charlie becoming too suspicious. She couldn't walk by herself because of the incredible tiredness, so I pulled her back into my arms, welcoming back the warmth against my body.

"Just let me get her upstairs. Then I'll leave." I told Charlie.

"No." Bella cried.

Did she not want me to carry her? Now that she knew she was home, did she want me to leave?

Or did she not want me to leave?

I found myself even more perplexed now trying to interpret Bella's behaviour since our reunion. I had already established that Bella didn't want me, hadn't I?

What did she truly want?

I would give her anything.

Then it hit me.

I had left her.

No explanations.

No reasoning.

My enigmatic and abrupt departure must have left her with so many unanswered questions of her own – why did I leave? Why didn't I want her all of a sudden?

Quite understandably she wanted and deserved answers.

I would give her answers.

I would answer honestly.

I would tell her how dark my life was without her.

I would not leave Forks again until Bella told me herself that she didn't want me around.

Until she ordered me away.

"I won't be far." I reassured her quietly out of Charlie's earshot. I headed toward the house before Charlie had the chance to stop me taking Bella inside. He ran after me, struggling to keep up.

"No. What do you think you are doing?" he stuttered from behind me.

Bella drifted back off to sleep as I carried her up the stairs to her room. She was still clinging to my shirt as I laid her down on her bed. Unwillingly and unhappily I unclenched her fingers gently. It felt like my newly restored heart was being ripped from my chest again as I prepared to leave her. I placed her blankets over her as Charlie appeared at the doorway. He looked at his daughter with love. He was immensely relieved that she was home and safe. I could see in his thoughts how panicked and scared he had been when she had left and he had no idea of her whereabouts or her wellbeing. He had been frantic; going out of his mind with worry.

After satisfying himself that Bella was all right he turned to me.

"Get out of my house." He said between gritted teeth to prevent himself from shouting it and waking Bella up.

As he followed me downstairs, the volume of his voice increased.

"I don't want you in this house. I don't want you anywhere near Bella."

I spun around to face him and he stepped back in surprise at my swift movement.

"I'm sorry, Charlie, but don't you think it is up to Bella whether I see her or not?"

"No, I don't." he barked. "I'm her father. I know what is best for her. You…" He pointed his finger directly at me, shaking slightly from the anger pulsating through him. "You have caused enough misery in her life. I will not tolerate it. You are never to set foot in this house again, do you hear me?"

I was about to reply but my words constricted in my throat as a disturbing image filled Charlie's thoughts.

Bella.

She was being carried by a man I did not recognise.

She was suffering from what could only be described as terrible pain.

Or loss.

Like she was dying.

Had someone died?

Someone had hurt her.

Someone had killed her emotionally. Charlie's memory shocked me to my core as I recognised the clothes Bella' was wearing – the same as she had been wearing the day I left Forks.

The day I had left her.

She was mumbling something – "He's gone. He's gone."

It was me.

My fault.

I had hurt her.

I had broken her.

I was appalled at what I had done.

I had hurt her so much more than I had ever imagined.

I gaped at Charlie for a long moment whilst my insides crumbled. How could I have done that to her?

No wonder she didn't want me anymore.

No wonder Charlie was beyond furious and didn't want me around her.

I had to leave…now.

I turned and swiftly exited the house, with a new stabbing pain in my chest as I left my re-shattered heart behind once again. I got back in the car completely flabbergasted by what I had just witnessed in Charlie's thoughts.

"How did it go, bro? Charlie looked pretty mad. "

I was too shell-shocked to reply.

_Edward, you okay?_ He thought.

"Just drive." I managed to choke out.

The car sped away from where I left my sleeping beauty.

"Drop me off at the end of the driveway, Emmett. I want to walk." I demanded, hoping my sudden change of mood wouldn't cause any unwanted questions to be asked. Fortune seemed to be on my side for once, as Emmett pulled over without thinking or speaking another word. I jumped out of the car and walked into the forest with only my thoughts for company.

The memory that I had viewed in Charlie's mind distressed and revolted me. I could not believe nor understand how I could have devastated Bella's emotions so completely. Now I could comprehend the dramatic change in Bella's physical state, and why she had been distant with me.

The guardedness.

The apprehension.

She had believed me instantly when I had told her that vicious lie; that I no longer loved her. I was the something that had damaged her soul. I had destroyed the most precious thing in the world.

I had been correct in my previous conclusion – I had hurt her so deeply that she would never forgive me.

Now all I could think of was how to rectify my wrong doings.

My departure had without doubt caused many more problems than it solved.

By leaving, I had hurt Bella heinously, and I had also put her in more extreme danger than ever.

The walk to the house at human pace seemed short as I processed all the information spiralling in my mind.

There was one person in the house who could provide me with some answers.

The creature that had spent time with Bella recently, since my family's absence from Forks.

The pixie like vampire who had been hiding something from me since Volterra; Alice.

My sister waited for me outside the front door.

"I don't know everything, Edward. But I can tell you what I do know."

We walked into the house where the rest of my family was gathered.

"You knew why Bella was different. You knew what was wrong with her. You know it was because of me." I accused Alice.

"Yes, I saw it straight away in her appearance when I arrived in Forks. She didn't tell me herself though, she couldn't bear to think about you let alone talk about you. I got the information from a conversation with Charlie."

"And, yet you didn't tell me. I sensed you were hiding something from me. You were very controlled with your thoughts."

I didn't think it was the appropriate time or place to tell you, considering the situation we were in." Alice replied._ You were exceptionally insecure, Edward. I could see that. We needed to focus on getting out alive, __and__ protecting Bella_. Alice continued in her head.

I couldn't dispute that. If Alice had informed me in Volterra it would have affected me, clouded my mind. Alice was right, I had to keep Bella safe - that was my main priority. Nothing had changed, even if she could no longer love me, the reason for my existence was to ensure Bella's happiness. I was always putting Bella's life in jeopardy in whatever action I took and now I feared she was in the worst possible danger.

The werewolves. A sadistic vampire out for revenge. And the Volturi who wanted to commit Bella to eternal damnation.

Bella was a force field attracting danger in all forms.

"What has been going on? Laurent? Victoria? The werewolves? What did Bella tell you, Alice?" I questioned.

"Laurent came back to the area as a favour for Victoria, to help her locate Bella. It seems that he discovered her alone whilst he was thirsty, but the werewolves arrived just in time and chased him away. They killed him. Victoria has been trying to get to Bella relentlessly, but the werewolves have been protecting her."

"Protecting her?" I echoed.

How could that be? She shouldn't be near them, they are perilous. I reminisced back to the last time my family inhabited Forks, many years ago, before Alice and Jasper had found us. There were werewolves here then. I remembered them as angry and unstable creatures. It was only because of my father's peaceful and diplomatic nature that we could establish a truce in the form of the Treaty.

"What are the werewolves even doing back, Carlisle? Rosalie asked.

"I'm not sure." He replied.

"Well, I certainly don't want them around Bella. What if one phased around her? It would kill her, or at the very least severely injure her."

"Maybe they aren't bad. They have been protecting her after all." Esme suggested, showing her ever compassionate nature.

I scoffed. There was no such thing as a good werewolf.

_It might be Bella that you need to keep away from the wolves._ Alice mumbled in her thoughts.

"Why?" I asked. Surely Bella knew the danger – no, I dismissed that thought. Bella did not fully understand the hazards in her life.

"She seems quite attached to them."

"You are hiding something else from me." I addressed my sister again.

She did not reply.

"Alice?" I said, getting irritated.

"Just tell him, Alice." Jasper said, nodding at her in encouragement.

"Her best friend is a werewolf. Jacob Black."

"Woo, seriously?" Emmett chuckled. "Typical Bella. Vampire boyfriend and a wolf for her best friend."

Rosalie nudged him in the ribs to make him shut up.

"There is something else you should know, Edward." Alice said with concern and annoyance in her tone. "I can't see the werewolves. That's why I thought that Bella was dead. Jacob pulled her out. He saved her. But I didn't see that because whenever the werewolves are around everything goes black."

I was speechless for a moment.

I was unsure what to say or how to react.

Except I knew I needed to be with Bella. I felt cold without her, lost somehow. I missed her and was anxious to be where I belonged – by her side.

_Are we staying?_ Rosalie asked in her head.

"I don't know." I replied. "It depends on what Bella decides after I explain to her why we left. I am going to tell her the truth. Alice can fill you in on the events from Volterra. I am going back to Bella now."

"Edward…" Carlisle started.

"Let him go." Esme interjected. I shot her a grateful smile and swiftly exited the house in the direction of my love.


	21. Chapter 20 Imagination

**Chapter 20 – Imagination**

I was staring out of the window I had climbed in many hours ago. As I gazed into the darkness I saw the thick clouds that overshadowed Forks.

Obstructing my view of the night sky.

Although…there were a few clear spaces allowing me to see the stars lighting up the heavens.

The stars that were present because of the remarkable being sleeping soundly in her bed behind me.

My Bella.

But even the stars held no beauty compared to her.

Before I had met Bella I had never admired the sky as I did now. I could only remember it being dim and uninteresting. Bella brought the light, which now shone right through me.

I could hear Charlie snoring reassuringly in the next room. He hadn't been asleep long, and had come to check on Bella several times since her return. Each time I found myself having to duck quickly out of the window to prevent him from seeing me. His fury seemed to have abated now that his daughter was home safe and he believed I had gone. His ferocious mood would no doubt return if he knew of my actual whereabouts and that I had no intention of leaving.

I longed to bring back the nights where I held my Bella close.

Watching her sleep.

Listening to the gentle beating of her heart.

Hearing her sweet voice mumble.

Smelling her delicious scent.

Now that Charlie was asleep, I could be close to Bella. I needed to feel her in my arms; I knew I didn't have permission to embrace her, but my need to do so overwhelming. The feeling it brought me was indescribable. It was an irresistible delightful warmth that flowed through my frozen form, clasping around my lifeless heart making it shiver with pleasure, almost as if it was beating.

I lay down on the bed to face her and wrapped my arms gently around her. In that moment I was unashamedly joyful, even though I was aware of all the terrible things I had done. I could feel the guilt feasting on me – but overpowered it because I was actually with my Bella.

She wasn't a memory.

This wasn't my imagination.

Bella was real.

Bella had been sleeping for a considerable time, and I began to speculate what she was dreaming about.

My question was answered in the form of several incidents of distressed sleep talking from Bella.

Nightmares.

She never actually spoke my name, but I was certain that her comments were directed at me – meaning I was present in her frightening dreams.

"_Don't go."_

"_It's too late." _

She had previously screamed aloud, which made me extremely apprehensive but I had no time to act upon it as Charlie had come running in on full alert. I longed to comfort my Bella, soothe away the bad dreams that I caused.

Being here beside her, I tried to pretend that the last six months hadn't occurred and enjoy the moment while it lasted; but I could not block out the horrific memories.

The pain.

The suffering.

I feared that she would soon awake and instruct me to leave.

I would only depart if she wished me to.

Perhaps I had wounded her so deeply that she could never even consider forgiving me.

I didn't deserve exoneration – but I was egoistic and going to request it.

I would contentedly get down on my knees and issue a heartfelt entreaty.

Plead for her to absolve my sins.

Beg for her to return my love.

I was more convinced than before that Bella had moved on – away from me. I could feel her slipping further from me; more and more with each passing minute. All because of the pain I caused and the danger I brought into her life.

Bella had not reciprocated any of my adoration since our reconciliation, although, she had allowed me to touch her, kiss her, embrace her – she hadn't pushed me away.

She had held on to me in return, but no doubt out of fear; she was distant – there was no love there.

She had moved on, like I had intended her to do.

I had truly lost her.

The one and only thing I desperately loved, and wanted more than anything – I had lost.

My body constricted with sorrow and my eyes started to itch as the urge to cry overwhelmed me.

This was the end of life.

I was bonded to Bella in ways I couldn't even begin to explain.

I belonged with her.

I was created for her.

The only way I could live – go on existing, was if I was with my Bella.

Bella's new acquaintances were certainly a complicating factor. If she could actually consider werewolves as friends. She couldn't really know them or the fierce unpredictability of their nature. I wondered how the werewolves had returned. My family had believed their breed had become extinct among the Quileute's when we relocated back to Forks several years ago.

Why were they back now?

And more importantly – why did they have to invade Bella's life?

I supposed I should be somewhat appreciative for their protective watch over my Bella, but it didn't diminish the frustration their presence thrust upon me.

I guessed that this was a distinct tribe of werewolves, as Jacob Black was not alive the last time my family encountered the wolves here in Washington State. The information that Jacob Black was a werewolf was a new development which only gave me more reason to dislike the boy. I already held a grudge against him – he had informed Bella that my family were vampires, technically breaking his own tribe's Treaty. He had also played a significant part in my decision to journey to Italy, and now to emphasize his presence further, he was Bella's best friend.

At least I had a chance of protecting Bella from the werewolves.

However, the wolves were not the only danger looming menacingly over Bella's life.

The Volturi.

One day in the near future they would come with the sole purpose of confirming Bella's immortality. If they found her human, they would obliterate her without hesitation or explanation.

Could I accomplish the task Alice had promised to carry out?

As I stared at the face of my beloved, I could not imagine taking away the soft rose blush of her cheeks, her beautiful mahogany eyes, her beating heart, her life and the most precious thing of all – her soul.

I couldn't do it.

How could this be avoided?

Bella's horror-struck reaction to the vampires in Volterra proved that she did not want this. I would attempt to keep her safe if she allowed me to.

Vampirism or death?

Was there another option?

I was certain that the Volturi wouldn't come for at least a few years. As their existence was potentially endless, they valued years in the same way as humans valued days and weeks. But they eventually would come, no doubt with Caius dictating the timing of the journey intent on capture or obliteration. With Demetri by his side, able to track us effortlessly, we would be effectively helpless. I desperately wanted to discover another option to ensure Bella's life was maintained as soon as Aro had offered us the alternative to death. This was the reason why I so hesitant to let him access my thoughts. If he knew that I planned to search for a way to break the promise, he would have had Bella killed then and there, causing anarchy. Alice had provided me with a get out clause…for now at least.

How could I prolong Bella's human life?

If Demetri didn't exist – it would be possible.

When he was sent to locate me in Volterra whilst I was waiting for the decision, he had found me instantly. His vampire talent of tracking was an inborn ability – something I had desired in my quest of tracking Victoria. I swallowed back a growl at the thought of that evil woman stalking my Bella, hell bent on delivering vengeance. She had been near Forks the whole time.

At that moment, I had a startling revelation. My mind raced with the plan that was beginning to form.

Bella's mind was inaccessible.

Not only to me, but to Aro and Jane additionally.

Therefore, surely Demetri would not be able to track Bella; his ability would not be able to access her mind in order to locate her.

He would have to track myself or one of my family members to discover her location.

The more I thought about it, the more logical it seemed.

My hopes rose somewhat.

There was a possibility that Bella could be protected.

All my previous thoughts vanished when Bella breathed in deeply as she started to gain consciousness.

I gently placed my hand on her forehead, hoping she would not be overcome with shock as she realised that she was not alone in her room.

She did not react to my cold touch, but when she opened her eyes and caught sight of me, she gasped.

"Oh." She said before covering her face with her hands.

"Did I frighten you?" I asked warily.

When she didn't respond, I became anxious; I didn't want her to be scared.

Did she not want me to be here?

She blinked several times as if she was trying to understand the situation more clearly. The silence was irritating, and only increased my anxiety. If only I could read her mind.

I watched her intently, attempting to guess her thoughts.

Was she thinking of a way to get me to leave?

Was she reminiscing about her most recent near-death experience?

An aggravated expression of comprehension crossed her face.

"Oh, crap." Bella suddenly said in a dry voice, tinged with sleepiness.

"What's wrong, Bella?"

She scowled with frustration, which amplified my concern.

"I'm dead, right? I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is going to kill Charlie."

She thought she was dead?

Why?

Was it because I was here – did she think she was in hell?

"You're not dead." I informed her, unable to stop the unhappiness showing on my face in the form of a frown.

"Then why am I not waking up?"

"You are awake, Bella."

She shook her head at me.

"Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake…"

Jealously washed over me as she spoke the last name.

She was worried about the werewolf.

Alice had been right.

With effort I forced a counterfeit smile on my face.

"I can see how you might confuse me with a nightmare. But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?" I said trying to lighten the overwrought atmosphere.

"Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."

I wasn't sure whether she grimaced at my comment or the fact I was here with her. I sighed at her ambiguous remark.

I was confused as the conversation turned inextricably cryptic. I wanted to be forthright and ask Bella what she wanted – just so she could put me out of my misery, and shatter my hopes.

Did she want me to leave?

Did she want me to stay?

But I couldn't bring myself to ask her; I was afraid of what her answer might be.

It was silent again, whilst Bella collected her thoughts.

How could she believe she was dead?

If she had in fact drowned, then the subsequent turn of events would have been significantly different – I would no longer exist.

An ending similar to Romeo and Juliet.

Did Bella not realise that I could not live without her?

A warm flush of red appeared on her cheeks as her face lit up in a moment of clarity. I loved to see the blood rush beneath her skin. The thought of blood made my throat burn slightly. I hadn't hunted for some considerable time, but the fire was not strong enough to bother me at that moment.

"Did all of that really happen, then?" Bella asked.

I longed to tell her that it had all been a dream; a horrible nightmare. That the past six months hadn't actually occurred, let alone the past three days.

I had to be honest; she had a right to know after all. Her life was at stake.

"That depends. If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."

"How strange. I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?" she said seemingly talking mostly to herself.

I rolled my eyes.

She wasn't terrified by the memory her of her ordeal.

Possibly, because she wasn't fully awake and therefore not completely aware of the danger the Volturi posed.

"Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent." I suggested. She still looked tired.

"I'm not tired anymore. What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"

"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours."

"Charlie?"

"Sleeping." I frowned, as I remembered that I was defying his order to never return to this house. Theoretically, I was trespassing. "You should probably know that I'm breaking all the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window…But, still, the intent was clear."

"Charlie banned you from the house?" Bella asked in disbelief, appearing irritated by this information.

"Did you expect anything else?"

I presumed not, when she did not reply to my question.

"What's the story?" She asked instead.

"What do you mean?"

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for…how long was I gone for, anyway?"

"Just three days. Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing." I answered. Honestly I hadn't even thought about that. My thoughts had been preoccupied with thoughts of her.

"Fabulous." She grunted.

"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something." I suggested.

"So, what have you been doing, up until three days ago?"

Her question made me wary. I did not want to tell her how pathetic I had been over the long months of our separation, or explain how much pain I had suffered being away from her – the pain I was still feeling.

"Nothing terribly exciting."

"Of course not." She pulled a face in what I could only guess was disappointment.

"Why are you making that face?"

She puckered her lips, speculating.

"Well…If you are, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be all used up."

She didn't believe she was alive…or awake.

"If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?" I sighed.

"Nightmare!" She scoffed scornfully, before continuing. "Maybe. If you tell."

I hesitated. There was nothing that I could tell her without making myself appear somewhat deranged, except –

"I was…hunting." I replied regretfully. It had been the only activity that I participated in that wasn't searching the heavens for those precious but elusive specks of light.

"Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."

I paused, not wanting to mention Victoria, so I chose my words carefully before I spoke them.

"I wasn't hunting for food…I was actually trying my hand at …tracking. I'm not very good at it."

"What were you tracking?"

Bella had obviously recovered her powers of observation, and the predominantly inquisitive side of her nature became evident once more. What would she think if I told her who I was tracking?

"Nothing of consequence." I replied, trying to withhold my anger at the reminder of my failed attempt.

"I don't understand."

Just thinking about the red-headed vampire was causing rage to build up inside me, increasing my tension. I didn't want to have to admit to Bella that I couldn't even protect her.

Now was the time to explain, to apologise.

"I…" I hesitated, taking in a deep breath, forcing air into my body in an attempt to calm me slightly. Bella's scent flowed through me giving me the courage to continue. Suddenly, the words were swiftly spilling out of my mouth. I was racing to get to my main point – to express my love to her. "I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea. I didn't realise the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria…" I growled out her name "- would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see she had this kind of response in her, that she even had such a tie to him. I think I realise why now – she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing had never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him – that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond that was there. Not that there's any excuse for what I left you here to face. When I heard what you told Alice - what she saw herself – when I realised that you put yourself in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself." I slowed down slightly, requiring a quick intake of breath. As I said these words out loud to Bella, the guilt inside me became stronger, more distinct, a truly terrible feeling slowly creeping and taking over my body. "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for –"

"Stop." Bella ordered.

I stared at her unblinking, full of anguish, waiting for her to erupt with fury.

Her face was expressionless, making it hard for me to understand the body language which to I was normally so attuned, since I didn't have the easy option of being able to read her mind. I could however sense that Bella wanted to end this conversation, divert it into another direction. Had I been mistaken? Did she not want answers from me?

"Edward." Bella paused, her eyes exhibited nervous determination. The apprehension kept building deep within my chest, as I held my breath until she started speaking again.

"This has to stop now…"

My heart plummeted.

Hope was lost.

She was going to tell me that she didn't want me.

I had broken my promise.

I had deceived her.

My actions had torn us both asunder.

Was I stupid enough to believe that she would forgive me over time?

I had hurt her far more than I thought possible; created wounds that had left behind permanent and painful scars.

I just hoped she knew that in spite of everything this world had put us through, everything I had put her through – that I loved her.

And that the love would continuously intensify with each passing day.

This was the end, what I deserved.

A shattered un-beating heart.

I could feel the words coming as I could feel the pain of rejection scorching through my insides.

"- you can't think about things that way. You can't let this…guilt…rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault; it's just part of how life is for me."

She didn't want me to protect her either – she knew I was a failure.

"So, if I trip in front of a bus or what ever it is next time, you have to realise that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault. I know it's your…your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible – think of Esme and Carlisle and…" Bella paused to take a deep breath. She looked like she was going to explode, whilst I could not move out of bewilderment and relief.

Bella thought I wanted to die because I was unable to rescue her?

Because I felt guilty?

I knew I was blameworthy, the remorse was devouring me, but that wasn't the reason why I had longed for death.

"Isabella Marie Swan. Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?" I whispered, asking for confirmation of what I understood from her speech.

"Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend."

"Then…what are you saying? I don't understand."

She was apparently deluded, not realising how much I cared for her, how much I loved her. True, it was my own fault that Bella didn't believe it. I had to make her aware of that fact.

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead. Even if I'd had no hand in your death…" I shuddered at the thought. The pain it had caused me to believe that she was dead was apocalyptic. "Even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful – I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it second-hand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?"

If only the boy Jacob hadn't answered, if he hadn't been present in Bella's life, she would have answered the phone. I would have heard her sweet voice that would have undeniably tempted me into coming back.

I could have returned to my Bella.

"The odds…The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake, I'll never criticize Romeo again."

"But I still don't understand. That's my whole point. So what?"

"Excuse me?" I asked unsure as to what she was referring to. What did she mean?

"So what if I was dead?" Bella replied.

I stared at her incredulous at what she was asking me.

"Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember everything you told me." She breathed.

I lightly touched her lower lip with my finger, feeling the smoothness of her skin, and trying to remember how her lips felt against mine.

I closed my eyes as I spoke, and wondered how much clearer I could make things.

"Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension. I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"I am… confused"

"I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."

Bella's body tensed rigidly with shock at my comment. I shook her gently, attempting to soothe her strain.

"Let me finish." I urged. "I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly. That was excruciating." I winced as I remembered Bella's shattered expression on the day of my departure; it had been indestructibly etched into my mind ever since. I continued speaking in a whisper. "When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye – you weren't letting go. I could see that. I didn't want to do it – it felt like it would kill me to do it – but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."

"A clean break." Bella whispered, barely moving her lips, as she continued to stare at me, confounded by what I was saying. I really had diminished all trust she once had in me.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible – that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant a seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry – sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry. But how could you believe me? After the thousands of times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"

I paused allowing Bella time to respond.

Whether she was angry or just astonished, I couldn't tell.

My heart was pouring out every emotion Bella had brought to my existence, and bluntly exposing the depth of my love for her. Each sentiment I felt for her, I expressed in speech, hoping she would finally understand. From the very first moment I realised that I was insanely in love with her…I had never felt so much emotion in all my 108 years. And if I had to do it all over again, I would, just to see her face.

When Bella didn't reply, I continued.

"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept – as if there were any way that I could exist without you!"

Bella remained still and unresponsive. My anxiety grew, as did my aggravation at not knowing what she was thinking.

I sighed in frustration.

Was she listening to me?

Did she now comprehend how much she meant to me?

"Bella? Really, what were you thinking!"

She trembled slightly as tears started to flow down her cheeks.

Sadness began to well up in my body; I watched helplessly as each drop slid smoothly down her face. I felt like sobbing with her.

"I knew it. I knew I was dreaming." Bella cried.

I let out a humourless laugh.

"You're impossible. How can I put this so you will believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

Bella shook her head, unbelieving as the tears continued to spill from her eyes.

"You don't believe me, do you? Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for you to love me. I always knew that." She sniffled.

I had to prove my love to her.

I would show her that she was awake.

I would prove to her that I loved her.

Pleasure flowed through me as I prepared to demonstrate a gesture of my adoration to my Bella.

"I'll prove you're awake." I said as I took her face in my hands.


	22. Chapter 21 Reassurance

**Chapter 21 – Reassurance **

As I inched my face closer to Bella's, her heartbeat began to quicken. The sound was familiar and amazingly comforting. I could also feel her body squirming slightly in my embrace as I got nearer, which I assumed was out of excitement.

"Please don't." She whispered.

"Why not?" I demanded.

Were her movements actually struggles to free herself from my grasp?

Was it too late for us to be intimate again?

"When I wake up – "

I opened my mouth to dispute, but noticing the initiation of my protest she swiftly interjected before I could speak.

"- Okay, forget that one – when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too." I pulled back to gaze at her beautiful face, into her stunning eyes – trying to see how much I had damaged her soul.

I had been gazing at Bella the majority of the time she had slept, but her appearance never failed to shock me. The changes in her were physical were as well as emotional. Her body was frail with distress, exhibiting weight loss and fatigue – all due to my abandonment.

I had explained how I felt – she now knew of my deceit and betrayal, of the terrible blasphemy and the disrespect I'd shown the love that existed between us. She knew it was all a lie, however she seemed unfazed. Did she not believe what I had told her?

I had been self-centred once more– I hadn't yet considered Bella's feelings! –

How did she feel?

Did she want me?

Did she still love me?

All these questions ricocheted around my head.

Now was undoubtedly the time for answers.

At first I could not find the words I necessary to express my desperate need for her love, to see if there was even a shimmer of hope.

The fear of her rejection held me back.

How could I ever survive if she abandoned me like I had abandoned her?

"Yesterday, when I touched you, you were so hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late; because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be…" Heart shattering, my mind wept silently, at the thought. I could not find the right words to say without making her feel pressurised or without being dishonest, consequently I settled for what was reasonable. "…quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try and spare my feelings, please – just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you."

My speech had gradually decreased in volume, and with the remaining bit of air I had left in my lungs I whispered the last two critical words –

"Can you?"

"What kind of idiotic question is that?"

"Just answer it… Please." I practically begged.

Bella stared at me for what felt like an eternity.

My insides cringed, waiting for the words of rejection to hit me.

All the while I was holding my breath and mentally hoping, longing, praying that her answer would be positive and fulfil my desires.

"The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you – and there's nothing you can do about it!" Bella said.

Her words….the words I had been yearning to hear sparked an unbreakable force field within me. Her declaration had restored all hope into my life. Suddenly, I needed her more than ever.

I needed her touch.

I had to feel her against me.

I craved to caress her lips with mine.

"That's all I needed to hear." I said, as I thrust my lips onto hers.

The kiss was intense, urgent and edged with the immense fervour that was pulsating through my body.

It reminded me of the last time I had kissed Bella – on her ill fated 18th birthday.

It was forceful, untamed and acutely passionate.

However, this time, the urgency wasn't because of the overpowering obsessive protectiveness I had felt then.

Now it was due to an accumulation of pure lust and longing.

I pushed my body up against hers as she ran her hands over my face delicately touching my granite features.

My body throbbed, aroused with intoxicating pleasure.

Bella enticed me with the movement of her soft lips, making me crave more and more. Her exhilarating scent only increased the pleasure - driving me wild.

I felt myself cross my own boundaries as all the painful, suffering and joyful emotions flooded out of me through my lips.

I gently touched her face with my fingertips, feeling the smoothness of her skin.

She tasted irresistibly delicious, I traced the outline of her mouth with the tip of my tongue, before she parted her lips and her tongue met mine. A thrill of ecstasy ran though my veins igniting my whole body and setting my world on fire.

My threshold was breached, I knew I should stop; but I didn't.

I refused to allow our lips to part.

Never wanting to lose the feeling.

Never wanting to leave Bella's side.

Sensing that Bella required air, I pulled away slightly.

Only a minuscule amount so my lips were still lingering on Bella's. We were both breathless. But that didn't prevent me from continuing the kiss.

"Bella." I breathed her name, before I pushed my lips against her once more and our exquisite embrace intensified as our passion increased.

Just a few more seconds – I told myself.

I could feel myself starting to lose control as I held Bella tighter to me, and moved my lips with more force. With all the effort and strength that I possessed, I managed to break apart our kiss, leaving us both gasping for air.

The only thing that was strong enough to overpower my longing to continue our intimate embrace was my desire for Bella's safety.

I never wanted to cause her pain again.

My insides were still pulsating rapidly as was Bella's heartbeat.

I was able to speak once I managed to control my irregular breathing, and calm myself slightly.

"By the way, I'm not leaving you."

Bella didn't respond, her breathing still ragged from our kiss, composure came more quickly to me than her.

However, she did not seem convinced by my statement.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you. I only left in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you – keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you were better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted…what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay – thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

"Don't promise me anything." Bella pleaded in a whisper.

"You think I'm lying now?"

I was infuriated with myself. Enraged – because I had destroyed every last ounce of trust Bella once had in me. All with one scandalous lie.

One wicked lie had annihilated all of her hope and faith. One dreadful lie had caused so much pain, that it forced Bella to question my intentions and every word that I had ever spoken. One nefarious lie that had the power to destroy her spirit and tear us both apart; permanently.

Bella had brought the light and joy back into my life, just with her presence, and she had sustained that bliss by loving me. I realised that the wounds I had created within Bella could not be healed as straightforwardly.

Bella shook her head. "No – not lying. You could mean it…now. But what about tomorrow, when you remember all the reasons why you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes another snap at me? – "

I flinched at the memory that involuntarily replayed in my head. I had witnessed it countless times since the incident had occurred, but it still never failed to horrify me.

"– It isn't as if you thought the first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right."

Bella had guaranteed that I would remain in Forks, by the admission of her love. I knew that I did not have the strength to leave again, even if Bella did not return my love. I couldn't bring myself to think of the consequences, if she had discarded me – it would surely be futile for me to continue to exist.

Now I new that Bella still loved me, the thought of leaving was agonising and unbearable. As I had previously thought, I would forever remain by her side; forever pleading for forgiveness and trust, if that's what it took.

It was strangely ironic how it seemed that both mine and Bella's judgement were clouded by each other – making us both unwilling to believe.

Never the less, I was deeply hurt that Bella did not have any faith in what I was saying. It wasn't as hurtful as her believing my lie in the forest, but now I was telling the absolute truth.

"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for, Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time – and not much of it – before I showed up and your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."

"Be serious, please." Bella frowned.

I could understand her hesitation and her reluctance to believe, but all the same it was exasperating.

I wanted Bella to comprehend exactly how I felt about her.

How extraordinarily important she was.

Why I craved her so much.

Why I needed her.

"Oh, I am, will you please try and hear what I am telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?" I stared at Bella intently for several long moments. When she did not respond, I took it as a sign she was listening, so I continued." Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars – points of lights and reason…And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliance, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't even see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

I think I used a good analogy to try and describe the darkest nights I'd experienced, in our separation.

"Your eyes will adjust." Bella mumbled.

"That's the problem – they can't."

They wouldn't – I had searched long and hard enough, willing the stars to reappear.

The stars and moon, the light and reason – were only present in my life whenever Bella was. Without any of them my existence was dark and worthless.

"What about your distractions?" Bella asked.

I chucked without humour – as if anything could have diverted my attention from Bella.

If only they could have.

She was in my every thought.

Everything revolved around Bella.

"Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the…agony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone – like I was hollow; like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you." I replied.

"That's funny."

"Funny?" I questioned, slightly confused.

How was it amusing?

How could she find me expressing my deepest feelings remotely humorous?

I thought to myself with a twinge of hurt.

"I meant strange – I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She paused to inhale deeply.

I remembered the feeling of not being able to breathe.

But I hadn't actually wanted to exhale, too scared to lose my only connection to Bella – her scent.

Too afraid to inhale air that was fresh, unfamiliar and desolate.

"And my heart. That was definitely lost." Bella continued.

The waves of guilt kept breaking over me as I closed my eyes and laid my head lightly on her chest to hear the sound of her thumping heart more clearly.

It was there…and beating harmoniously.

Maybe now Bella believed me.

Perhaps not.

But Bella loved me.

And I loved her.

She was truly _**my **_Bella again.

I was overjoyed by this and would do anything to preserve our love.

I had to protect her.

Protect the love we shared.

Protect it from the impending dangers.

And that meant eradicating certain problems.

Victoria was the main priority.

Now I knew her target, her potential whereabouts – I would find her.

And this time I would not fail.

Bella rested her cheek on the top of my head.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?"

"No. That was never a distraction. It was an obligation."

"What does that mean?"

I faltered, questioning whether to tell Bella the whole truth about my tracking operation therefore committing another act of deception. When I departed Forks, I had promised her that I wouldn't interfere with her life again. Although Bella wasn't involved or even present in the activity, the root cause was to eliminate the callous creature that had threatened Bella's life.

I decided that I was going to be honest with Bella – she needed to know the truth, even though I was embarrassed by my failure.

"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with it…Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false trail down to Brazil – and really she came here. I wasn't even on the right continent. And all the while, worse than my worst fears –"

"You were hunting, Victoria?" Bella screeched interrupting me. The volume of her voice made Charlie stir in his sleep in the next room. Fortunately, it did not wake him.

"Not well." I admitted regretfully. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."

"That is… out of the question." Bella said sternly.

I did not understand her anger,

It was obvious that Victoria could not be allowed to continue existing.

The thought of what she could, or rather what she would do if she got the chance, sent a chilling feeling of disgust up my spine.

"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but now, not after – "

"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" Bella interrupted. "That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?" She asked. I detected the wariness in her tone.

"I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria is going to die. Soon." I snarled out her name with pure revulsion. My anger rose, building up to a growl at the back of my throat, as I thought of the red headed vampire roaming around with the sole intent of assassinating my Bella.

"Let's not be hasty. Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria. "

I admired Bella attempt at reassurance, but could see the fear beneath her façade, however I was pleasantly surprised that Bella had identified that the werewolves were dangerous. Perhaps it wouldn't be too difficult to eliminate their presence in Bella's life, after all.

"That's true. The werewolves are a problem."

Bella snorted. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

Obviously, my previous thought had been wrong. I was about to disagree with her, and argue that the wolves were in fact a major problem, but I thought better of it. I didn't want to upset Bella by speaking unkindly about her vile newfound friends.

"Really? Then what would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"

"How about the second greatest?"

"All right." I agreed slightly apprehensive as to what other dangers loomed that I had not yet been informed of.

"There are others who are coming to look for me." Bella whispered.

I sighed in a wave of slight relief, and recognition.

The relief was because there weren't any additional dangers, and the recognition of the principal hazard; the one that wouldn't pose as a significant threat for a few years at least.

"The Volturi are only the second greatest?" I asked, wondering what could possibly be so bad as to constitute her first.

"You don't seem very upset about it."

"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again."

Bella turned pale as the colour drained from her face leaving behind a horrified expression. Here eyes, once again began a build up with moisture before the tears of fear began to spill down her cheeks.

"You don't have to be afraid. I won't let them hurt you." I reassured her.

"While you're here." She sobbed.

I wished she could believe me; just trust me enough to know I would never have the willpower to leave her side again.

I took her face in my hands and gazed unblinking into her tear-filled eyes.

"I will never leave you again."

"But you said thirty. What? You're going to stay, but let me get old anyway? Right."

"That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choice do have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul."

"Is this really…"

Bella's voice broke before she finished speaking.

"Yes?" I prompted.

She hesitated for a moment, and then began speaking again. But I thought she had altered what she was previously going to say.

"But what about when I get so old that people would think I'm your mother? Your grandmother?"

I could see the sadness in her eyes.

It wasn't that I didn't want her to become part of my family.

I wanted that more than anything – to be equal creatures, so we could really be together, like a proper couple.

But I could not destroy her human life.

I refused to change her into the monster she was so desperate to become.

I would not decimate her soul – it was too precious.

The tears were flowing down Bella's cheeks and I leaned in and kissed each one away.

"That doesn't mean anything to me. You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course…" I paused, trying to form the words from the painful thought in my mind – Bella growing older, and wanting more from her human life, meeting another human perhaps and leaving me behind in my frozen form. I winced at the thought, but if that's what Bella wanted. It would destroy me to do so, but I would let her go.

"If you outgrew me - if you wanted something more – I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."

"You do realise that I'll die eventually, right?"

I did comprehend that we would eventually be parted by her mortality, and I knew wherever and whenever that happened I would join her in death; I would be unable to continue existing without my Bella. My recent trip to Italy proved that.

"I'll follow after as soon as I can."

"That is seriously…sick." Bella said in an appalled voice.

"Bella, it's the only right way left…" I tried to reason, before she interjected in a clearer voice, edged with anger.

"Let's just back up for a minute. You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm thirty, do you really think they'll forget?"

I shook my head solemnly. "No they won't forget. But…"

"But?"

"I have a few plans." I smiled, thinking back to the revelation I had whilst Bella was sleeping.

Demetri was the one to avoid, and I may have concocted a plan to do just that.

"And these plans. These plans all centre around me staying human."

Bella practically hissed the word 'human' as if she was sickened by it.

"Naturally." I concurred.

Bella glared at me.

Why did she crave to be a monster?

She had me for as long as forever lasted in her human life.

I stared at her, ensuring that my stern expression made her realise that my decision could not be influenced.

Bella inhaled deeply, and I wondered what her thoughts were.

She suddenly surprised me by sitting up, with a determined and firm expression on her face.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, trying not to let my hurt show. I couldn't stand it if she told me to go away.

"No, I'm leaving."

"May I ask where you are going?" I said apprehensively, as I watched her search her room – probably for her shoes, as she was already dressed in the same clothes that she had returned in from Italy.

"I'm going to your house."

I grabbed her shoes from the end of her bed, trying not to seem suspicious as to why she was going to my family's house in the middle of the night. I had a sneaky feeling that her unplanned visit was for her to somehow find a way round my decision to keep her human

"Here are your shoes. How do you plan to get there?"

"My truck." Bella replied.

"That will probably wake Charlie." I informed her, hoping she would reconsider her trip and stay here in my arms. She could see my family tomorrow – in just a few more hours.

She sighed. "I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get into?"

"None. He'll blame me, not you."

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."

"Stay here." I urged.

"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home." She said as she started towards her bedroom door. I span around in one quick movement, and flashed to the door, blocking her exit.

Bella grimaced at me, and stubbornly turned and headed towards the window instead.

What on earth was she thinking?

She would kill herself!

I sighed in defeat. "Okay, I will give you a ride."

"Either way. But you should probably be there, too."

"And why is that?" I questioned.

"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."

My views on which subject?" I said between gritted teeth, as I realised my inkling was correct.

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the centre of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."

"A say in what?" I said slowly, not necessarily wanting to hear the answer.

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."

I gulped, swallowing back a snarl of complete anguish.


	23. Chapter 22 Request

**Chapter 22 - Request**

I wasn't angry at Bella.

I was furious at what she was doing.

Furious because in my heart I both knew and dreaded the outcome of my family's vote. My family, with the exception of Rosalie, already considered Bella as part of the family, and were willing for her to truly become one of us.

A monster.

However, I did not refuse to take Bella to see my family, as much as I longed to keep her from going; we had argued enough since she had woken up. Additionally, Bella would only go alone if I refused to take her – being the stubborn, beautiful creature she is.

But, whatever occurred, whatever the outcome – I was adamant that Bella would remain human and unchanged.

I pulled Bella into my arms and lightly sprang out of the window, trying not to jostle her too much.

"All right then, up you go." I said in a stern voice; attempting to withhold my anger as I helped her up onto my back.

When Bella was secure, I sprinted at full speed into the trees.

I could once again enjoy the exhilarating speed, now that Bella was with me…making me whole.

Rays of light from the moon beamed down, making the leaves shine silver. The beautiful night engulfed us as we flew through the peaceful surroundings of the forest, the moonlight dancing softly among the trees.

The only sounds were the whistle of air swirling around us as I ran, and the faint patter of nocturnal animals roaming unseen in the dark undergrowth.

I let all the anger drain from my body and concentrated on enjoying the blissful moment with Bella.

Bella turned her head and kissed my cheek. The smoothness of her lips sent warmth pulsating through my body.

"Thank you. Does that mean you've decided you're awake?" I asked.

The sweet sound of her laughter echoed through the night.

"Not really. More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight."

"I'll earn your trust back somehow. If it's my final act." I promised myself aloud.

"I trust you. It's me I don't trust."

"Explain that, please." I said, suddenly feeling compelled to slow down and prolong the time with Bella in the idyllic surroundings, taking the opportunity to continue our discussion and hear her sweet voice. We were nearing my house, and I wasn't ready to discuss her plans for fatality and immortality, so I slowed to a walk.

"Well, I don't trust myself to be…enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could hold you." Bella said softly.

Her statement bought me to an abrupt halt.

She thought I was too good for her?

When would she ever see me clearly?

What would make her realise that I was the fortunate one, who didn't deserve her?

The one who was deeply and unconditionally in love with her.

The one who was bound to her in indescribable and unknowable ways.

The one who would never leave her again.

I reached to pull Bella off my back and cradled her in my arms for a moment, holding her close to my heart, before setting her on her feet.

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable. Never doubt that." I whispered with reassurance.

An expression of uncertainty crossed her face, but she did not respond.

"You never did tell me…" I wondered aloud, before pausing, unsure whether I actually wanted to hear the answer to the question I was going to ask.

"What?" Bella questioned.

I decided to go ahead and ask nevertheless.

"What your greatest problem is."

"I'll give you one guess." She signed as she touched the tip of my nose.

Well, at least she comprehended that I was a danger but I couldn't help feel a little disheartened, and surprised.

"I'm worse than the Volturi. I guess I've earned that."

Bella rolled her eyes at my misunderstanding.

"The worst the Volturi can do is kill me."

What was more fearful than death?

Bella considered that I was worse than a death sentence?

I did not reply; prompting her for an explanation.

"You can leave me. The Volturi, Victoria…they're nothing compared to that."

My frozen heart constricted in pain as I remembered the image of a distraught Bella in Charlie's mind.

I would always deeply regret leaving.

Regret what it had done to her; what it had done to me too.

"Don't. Don't be sad." Bella whispered as she caressed my face.

I attempted to smile, but failed.

"If there was only some way to make you see that I can't leave you. Time, I suppose, will be the only way to convince you."

Bella brightened slightly.

"Okay." She agreed.

It was silent for a few moments, while I wondered how I could erase the heartache I had caused.

"So – since you are staying. Can I have my stuff back? Bella asked as we continued to walk.

I stiffed a chuckle at Bella's feeble attempt to distract my anguish.

"Your things were never gone. I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets – they're under your floorboards."

"Really?"

I nodded in confirmation.

"I think. I'm not sure, but I wonder…I think maybe I knew the whole time." Bella said slowly.

"What did you know" I wondered.

"Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died. That's probably why I was hearing the voices."

I was bewildered.

Bella had been experiencing hallucinations?

What else didn't I know?

"Voices?" I asked sceptically.

"Well, just one voice. Yours. It's a long story." Bella said warily, as if she wished she hadn't introduced the subject. Perhaps she thought that I would think she was crazy. I must admit that the situation did seem farfetched; however with the tortured ordeal I had encountered in the months I was away I could not make judgements.

Bella had been hearing my voice subconsciously?

Was this in her nightmares, making it seem realistic?

And more importantly – what did these voices say?

"I've got time." I said, encouraging her to elaborate.

"It's pretty pathetic."

I waited, without response.

Bella hesitated, like she was afraid of what to say.

I was afraid of what I would hear.

"Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?"

I could remember Alice's exact words in Volterra – _In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella's all about extreme sports these days. _I had been furious about Bella's recklessness, especially since she had promised me that she would keep herself safe. I felt a slight twinge of betrayal at her broken promise, but I was hypocritical to think that way – how many promises had a broken?

Too many! I chastised myself.

"You jumped off a cliff for fun?" I said, keeping my voice even without showing any hint of rage beneath.

"Er, right. And before that, with the motorcycle…"

"Motorcycle?" I echoed. My voice sounded calm, but the rage increased inside.

"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part."

"No." I replied bluntly. Alice would have informed me, or I would have at least seen it in her mind.

"Well, about that…see, I found that…when I was doing something dangerous or stupid…I could remember you more clearly. I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry; I could hear it, like you were standing right next to me. Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much – it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt. And, well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all, I always knew that you hadn't stopped loving me."

I listened to each word intently without interruption, as the immense rage built up in my chest.

I couldn't believe what Bella was telling me.

All her recent dangerous endeavours were conducted for the sole purpose of inducing an auditory hallucination.

I was more culpable than I originally assumed.

I felt like my air circulation had been cut off and I barely choked out my words.

"You…were…risking your life…to hear –"

"Shh. Hold on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany here." Bella interjected.

For the few minutes Bella was thinking, I waited impatiently, but silently. All the while my anger began to subside, replaced quickly by anxiety.

The minutes ticked by slowly whilst my mind raced with images of Bella partaking in various perilous activities. Each thought pushed me further towards insanity as the silence wore on.

What was Bella's epiphany?

I detested not having access into her mind, but I respected her right to privacy; still my curiosity overwhelmed me.

My main concern was for her safety.

Surely, now that I was back; her life-threatening behaviour would cease.

I did not believe that my Bella was insane, but my departure had caused her to sink into a depressive state that was slowly driving her towards madness.

It was my fault.

I had once again jeopardised her life.

I was concerned about the effect I had on her.

I was worried about the hazardous activities she had been participating in.

I was anxious about her thoughts.

I was scared to think about what would have happened to Bella if I had never come back.

Would her irresponsible behaviour have continued?

Would she slowly have developed an obsession that bordered on insanity with her need to provoke these worrying hallucinations?

Would she really have killed herself?

I was thankful that Bella interrupted my thoughts, as I couldn't bear to be in my own head anymore.

"Oh!"

"Bella?" I asked anxiously.

"Oh. Okay. I see."

"You're epiphany?" I questioned nervously.

"You love me."

The words made my heart swell.

She believed me.

The smile that flashed across my face was both genuine and effortless.

"Truly, I do."

I heard Bella catch her breath.

As I took her face in my hands, I felt her heartbeat increase.

I kissed her lovingly until my head became intoxicated by the feeling of her soft lips moving against mine. I leant my forehead against hers, both of us breathing harder than usual.

In comparison to my behaviour, Bella's seemed saintly.

She had attempted to survive – she had made the effort, by living her everyday life.

Whereas I had just laid in desolation and let the pain engulf me.

"You were better at it than I was, you know." I informed Bella.

"Better at what?"

"Surviving. You, at least made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie; followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was...totally useless. I couldn't be around my family – I couldn't be around anyone. I'm embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let misery have me. It was much more pathetic than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that too."

Although I felt guilty for abandoning Bella and causing so much pain, I felt a little comfort in the fact that I was not alone in my feelings; she hadn't moved on. I thought back to my months of depressive solitude without my Bella.

I was constantly wondering how she was, if she was okay.

How was she living her life and had she moved on?

She was always in my mind.

Bella had always been with me, just like I was subconsciously with her.

Perhaps those small parts of our subliminal memories had enabled us to hold on – to survive.

"I only heard one voice." Bella reminded me, reclaiming my attention from my thoughts.

I chuckled as I pulled her against my side; wrapping my arm around her I lead her forward through the trees to the open space where my house was situated.

"I'm just humouring you with this. It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say." I told Bella as I gestured towards the house.

"This affects them now, too."

I shrugged apathetically, without replying, in case my voice showed the increasing anger of my sudden change of mood now that we had arrived.

Bella would not be changed...ever.

I would not allow it.

I was incensed at the thought of my family going against my wishes and wanting Bella to become a vampire.

I would do whatever it took to stop whoever tried to change my Bella...even Alice. I didn't need to read her mind to know that she would vote in Bella's favour. She had promised in Italy, but more importantly she wanted Bella to be a part of the family, a true sister.

Before the vote could take place, I hoped I could sway some of my family member's decisions by convincing them that, if my recent theory proved correct we could diminish the threat of the Volturi with minimal effort.

Demetri would not be able to track Bella, and therefore would not be able to locate her if I hid her in a remote location when the Volturi decided to visit. Alice's premonitions would be useful for timing.

As we approached the house, I could hear the thoughts of my family members from different rooms. Alice was expecting us, and was filled with excitement, which only increased my resentment.

I led Bella through the front door and switched the lights on for the purpose of allowing her to see; lack of light did not affect vampire sight.

Being here again brought comfort and a sense of homecoming, and despite my current feelings of anger; I was happy to be back in the place I thought of as home.

I called my family to come and greet us, although they already heard us arrive.

"Carlisle, Esme? Rosalie, Emmett? Jasper, Alice?"

I saw Carlisle flash to Bella's side, but she didn't flinch at his swift appearance.

_Welcome home, Edward_. He greeted me silently.

"Welcome back, Bella." Carlisle smiled. "What can we do for you this morning, I imagine, due to the hour, that this is not purely a social visit?"

Bella nodded. "I would like to speak to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important."

Carlisle looked at me with questions running through his mind, and when I made no effort to respond he turned his attention back to Bella.

"Of course. Why don't we talk in the other room?"

Carlisle led us to the dining room, which was used only for family discussions. I sensed the rest of my family members following us.

Carlisle politely held out the chair at the head of the table for Bella; she took her seat looking slightly nervous as she noticed the other vampires enter the room. No one spoke while my family members took their own seats around the table, each contemplating varied thoughts in their own minds. I occupied the chair next to Bella's; opposite Carlisle.

"The floor is yours." Carlisle nodded to Bella in encouragement.

I took Bella's hand underneath the table, as a wary expression appeared on her face. I could feel how anxious she was as I glanced around the table at my family.

Emmett was silently speculating about our gathering. His impatient curiosity was shown in his physical expression.

_It better be something fun, I'm bored._ He thought.

Rosalie smiled warmly at both Bella and I. She had a newfound respect for her after she came to be my saviour in Italy.

Esme was revelling in her joy at having her entire family, including Bella together again.

I could feel the tension in Jasper's thoughts. Being in Bella's presence made him feel extremely nervous; he still felt immensely guilty about the incident that led to our departure from Forks. He was trying to keep himself restrained by replaying the memory in his head. Hurting his brother's love, and his wife's best friend. The reminder was too painful to watch; hence I did not linger in his mind.

Leaving had been the wrong decision on my part, and even though I used Jasper's actions as an excuse to depart, I felt no animosity towards him for prompting my bad choice.

Alice's body twitched slightly. It would have been presumed by the rest of my family to be excitement, as she wore a huge grin. However, it was only apparent to me that she was having a vision. It happened so fast that the others were completely unaware.

Alice's vision caused a stir of anger in the pit of my stomach.

She was standing next to a stunningly beautiful vampire.

An immortal.

I had seen this vision before, but now it was stronger; more definite

I had the sudden urge to grab Bella and flee.

My attention was then claimed by my love, erasing the vision from my mind.

"Well...I'm assuming Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?" Bella asked.

"Everything." Alice responded.

"And, on the way?"

My insides trembled slightly from the anger. My sister and Bella's journey had consisted of Alice promising Bella that she would change her. Therefore, Alice had technically provided Bella with two death threats. Although, Alice's promise had ensured our survival in Volterra, for which I was grateful as I got be reunited with my Bella.

"That, too." Alice nodded.

Bella sighed. "Good. Then we're all on the same page."

Bella paused, evidently preparing her speech to cover everything she wanted to say.

Everyone was silent. I tried with great effort to block out the minds of my family, to avoid the frustration their thoughts would bring me. However, strangely enough, they were now all silent and waiting intently for Bella to continue.

I sat mutely, waiting for an opening in Bella's speech so I could introduce my contingency plan.

Bella was unaware that I would attempt to thwart her plans.

Alice's premonition would change when I informed my family of my own plan.

Well, I hoped it would.

Bella inhaled deeply and began talking, as I kept my eyes focused on the table, unblinking.

"So, I have a problem. Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They're going to send someone to check, and I'm sure that's a bad thing – something to avoid. And, so now, this involves all of you. I'm sorry about that." She paused for a minute, and I allowed myself to take a quick glance at her. She was interacting with her audience, looking at each occupant at the table, gazing into their eyes just for a split second before moving on. She finally rested her eyes upon me, and my breath caught in my throat. She was divine; why would she want to change that?

"But, if you don't want me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not."

Esme opened her mouth to tell Bella that she was already a part of the family, but Bella silenced her by holding up her finger.

"Please, let me finish. You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don't want me, then... I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have them coming here."

Frown lines appeared on Bella's forehead as she let that thought register.

My chest purred with the sound of a building growl.

There was absolutely no way that Bella would ever go to Italy again, let alone on her own. Her threat was a form of emotional blackmail to ensure my family would vote in her favour.

Her obstinacy would succeed

.

"Taking into account then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire."

I saw the corners of Bella's mouth crease into a small smile as she spoke the last word.

Vampire.

I was still incredulous at her eagerness to lose her soul – to become a monster.

Maybe Bella's obsession with becoming an immortal was not just about becoming my equal and being the same as me and my family. I hadn't thought much about it in the past; I had generally assumed that Bella wanted to be changed so we could have the same unending life.

Was she sacrificing her soul entirely for my benefit?

Or was there more contributing factors?

She was deemed to lose far more than she would gain.

Bella gestured to Carlisle to cast his vote, which was my cue to intercede; the moment I would attempt to sway any undecided voters.

"Just a minute." I interjected.

I gazed at Bella, who raised her eyebrows scrutinising my stony face, as she glared at me. I gave her hand a gentle squeeze and continued.

"I have something to add before we vote."

I heard Bella let out a sigh. I didn't need access to her mind to know that she was irritated by my disruption; my attempt to eliminate the need to vote and any reason for her to be changed.

"About the danger Bella's referring to. I don't think we need to be overly anxious. You see, there was more than one reason why I didn't want to shake Aro's hand there at the end. There's something they didn't think of, and I didn't want to clue them in." I looked round the table as I spoke. My anger began to subside slightly, as the words flowing from my mouth brought with them a sense of confidence.

"Which was?" Alice prompted me to carry on. _What haven't you told me, Edward? _She continued in her head.

I leaned forward, ensuring I had everyone's attention, before continuing with my explanation.

"The Volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it's not really a problem."

I glanced at Bella and asked, "Do you remember Demetri?"

She trembled, which I presumed was a yes.

"He finds people – that's his talent, why they keep him. Now, the whole time we were with any of them, I was picking their brains for anything that might save us, getting as much information as possible." This wasn't strictly true. I was mainly trying to find any way to escape; to protect my Bella. "So I saw how Demetri's talent works. He's a tracker – a tracker a thousand times more gifted than James was. His ability is loosely related to what I do, or what Aro does. He catches the...flavour? I don't know how to describe it...the tenor...of someone's mind, and then he follows that. It works over immense distances. But after Aro's little experiments, well..." I paused, shrugging my shoulders, hoping that they would determine themselves, what I was suggesting.

"You think he won't be able to find me." Bella said plainly.

"I'm sure of it. He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn't work with you, they'll all be blind." I said, feeling rather self satisfied.

"And how does that solve anything?"

"Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and I'll hide you. They'll be helpless. It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!"

I grinned at Emmett, as he chuckled in his thoughts. _This sounds fun, bro._

"But, they can find you." Bella said sternly.

"And I can take care of myself." I assured her.

Emmett laughed aloud, and reached across the table with his fist.

"Excellent plan, my brother."

I smacked my own fist against his.

I knew Emmett could be convinced by the idea of a confrontation.

"No." Rosalie hissed. _No, no, no way!_

"Absolutely not!" Bella conceded.

"Nice." Jasper contributed, before continuing in his head. _It might just work._

"Idiots." Alice murmured, clearly irritated. _Testosterone fuelled, idiots._ She silently directed at me, which I ignored.

_Edward?_ My mother called me in her head. I looked at her to see her glaring at me. _That is not a suitable solution. The Volturi aren't likely to give up. We can't live in fear forever, just as Bella can't hide away for the rest of her human life. I can't agree to your __plan__ when there is a possibility that you or the others could get hurt. _

Esme was right, but what other choice did I have?

Bella was about to remind me of that.

She straightened up in her chair, ready to talk again.

"All right, then. Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider. Let's vote."


	24. Chapter 23 Proposal

**Chapter 23 – Proposal**

I stiffened instantly, it was better than quivering from the anger I held within.

Bella looked at me first.

She already knew my answer, but she still had the courtesy to ask.

"Do you want me to join your family?"

I was positive that she had deliberately re-worded her question to catch me off guard.

Bella was already part of my family – she was my life.

"Not in that way. You're staying human." I replied resolutely.

She nodded; her face showing no emotion or distinguishable expression, and then turned to Alice.

"Alice?"

"Yes." Alice replied gleefully.

"Jasper?"

I turned to look at my newest brother. His face exhibited a stern expression and his thoughts were wary.

_I'm sorry, Edward, but I think this is the best way...to avoid any further incidents._ He spoke to me in his head. He was judging the situation on his lack of self control, the easiest option for him, not for Bella.

"Yes." He replied to Bella.

The rage in my chest increased, which Jasper felt too, as he was monitoring my emotions.

_Calm down, Edward. This is what Bella wants._ He reminded me.

I disregarded his efforts to sooth me with his mood altering talent, and concentrated on Bella as she moved swiftly on to the next member of my family.

"Rosalie?"

_I am grateful to her, but she is still __so__ naive. Why would she want this life? _Rosalie hesitated before responding.

"No." She said to Bella, with some embarrassment.

My sprits lifted slightly at her answer; just to know there was someone on my side was comforting.

Bella stared at her for a moment, probably feeling slightly rejected, but I wasn't sure; her face remained composed.

My sister held her hands up as she tried to vindicate her decision. "Let me explain. I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that ...this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there has been someone there to vote no for me."

Bella looked quite stunned; but nodded in recognition before turning to Emmett.

_Just think how much funnier Bella will be when she's unbreakable._ Emmett thought, before casting his vote.

"Hell, yes! We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri."

My stomach twisted ferociously, only minutes ago Emmett had agreed with my plan, and now he had decided against it.

I took a deep breath and reminded myself that the vote was not valid, and was only necessary for Bella to comprehend and accept that my family wanted her to be included.

Bella frowned and turned to Esme.

"Yes, of course, Bella. I already think of you as part of my family."

I didn't hear Bella's reply because I was preoccupied with concentrating on my father's thoughts. He was speaking to me in his mind.

_I am going to vote yes Edward. You know that I would never willingly take another's life, human or otherwise. However, Bella wants to become a vampire. This is also the safest option for our family, as you have decided to stay in her life. _

I scowled at him seething with the sting of betrayal.

I was relying on Carlisle to be the voice of reason.

"Edward." _Don't you see this is the only way?_

"No." I snarled.

"It's the only way that makes sense. You've chosen not to live without her, and that doesn't leave me a choice."

_Calm down, Edward._ Alice instructed in her mind, as she noticed my fuming stance.

I couldn't bear to look at any of them; their thoughts and glances hitting me like knives, each one a stab of treachery. I dropped Bella's hand and stalked out of the room, hissing profanities under my breath.

I should never have brought Bella here – everyone was too overwrought, too many conflicting emotions were in play.

My self control was waning, my defences were almost breached. In order to keep my fury in check I needed solitude to organise my thoughts.

I couldn't expect to take on the rest of my family – all those willing to change my Bella, but I knew I could find the strength to keep Bella's beautiful soul alive.

I paced around the living room, attempting to subdue my anger with the rhythm of my feet hitting the floor.

"I guess you know my vote." I heard Carlisle say in the next room.

White hot rage overpowered me; it streamed through me, blistering every inch of my body. I grabbed the nearest object within reach; the plasma television hanging on the wall, and smashed it to the floor. The echoing crash drowned out the sounds and thoughts from the dining room. I had the uncontrollable urge to recklessly demolish everything in the room, just as I had done when I had been misinformed that Bella was dead. If they in the next room were plotting to destroy the most beautiful thing in the world, then it shouldn't matter if I destroyed insignificant items.

I wanted to roar with fury and obliterate everything in my path, like I didn't care.

However, truthfully; I did care.

I had to be rational.

To be in control.

Bella's voice reminded me of her presence.

"That's all I needed. Thank you. For wanting to keep me, I feel exactly the way the same way about all of you too."

There was an emotional edge to her voice.

I blocked out the thoughts of the others in the room, in case they reignited my wrath. Esme went to comfort Bella. "Dearest Bella." She said as she embraced her gently.

The only piece of information that calmed me down was the fact that Bella was close and in range of my meltdown.

Her astounding soul was still intact and in the other room.

That knowledge was enough to suppress my enraged state.

I already experienced losing Bella – I would not risk ruining the second chance I'd been given.

"Well, Alice, where do you want to do this?"

My body stopped dead, paralysed for a split second at Bella's words.

Incensed with fury I sprinted back into the dining room.

"No! No! NO!" I roared, as I stopped abruptly in front of Bella and bending over to stare directly into her eyes.

What the hell was she doing?

I had promised myself I wouldn't allow this to happen.

I was counting on having some time to find a loophole...but Bella wanted to do it now?

"Are you insane? Have you utterly lost your mind?" I screeched

_Edward! Calm down, son_. Carlisle demanded firmly in his mind, as Bella covered her ears to ward off the sound of my deafening voice.

_I can't do it._ Alice almost cried in her head. _I'm not prepared. This is too soon._

"Um, Bella, I don't think I'm ready for that. I'll need to prepare..." Alice spoke aloud.

Bella turned away from my glaring eyes and looked under my arm at Alice.

"You promised." Bella said to her.

"I know, but...seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how not to kill you."

"You can do it. I trust you."

I snarled with disgust as unspeakable anger pulsated violently through my body.

I kept my eyes on Bella willing my anger to diminish.

_I won't. I can't. The risk __of her dying is too great__._ Alice mumbled to herself in her head.

"Carlisle?" Bella asked, with hope in her voice.

NO! I screamed in my head.

I held a hand up to Carlisle as a warning, whilst I grabbed Bella's face as gently as I could with my other hand, turning her face and forcing her to look at me.

Forcing her to see the anger in my eyes, desperately trying to get her to see reason. To try and make her understand the anguish in my expression.

Carlisle ignored my gesture and answered Bella.

"I'm able to do it. You would be in no danger of me losing control."

"Sounds good." Bella replied in a distorted voice due to my grip on her face.

I clenched my teeth to prevent myself from growling.

How could Carlisle agree to take a human life?

He was an exceptional doctor who had worked arduously for many centuries to preserve human lives; yet now he was ready to destroy one so willingly that he offered to do it himself.

"Hold on, it doesn't have to be now." I interceded.

"There is no reason for it not to be now." Bella fired back.

_Edward, let go of her face, dear_. Esme said in her mind.

I ignored her and focused on Bella.

Why wouldn't she see sense?

"I can think of a few." I informed her.

"Of course you can. Now let go of me." Bella demanded.

I released her face and folded my arms across my chest, infuriated beyond belief by Bella's attitude and desire to die.

Becoming a vampire was a form of death.

Bella hadn't been thorough enough when considering the consequences of her request.

She had overlooked significant factors...or just not considered them whatsoever.

Her family.

Her friends.

Her human life and everything that life consisted of.

She was ready to give them up for me.

It brought me an immense feeling of love to know that she was willing to sacrifice her life for me; but still I had to prevent it.

I would not allow her to give up her life for me.

The gesture and willingness was enough to prove her love and commitment to me. I had to remind Bella of what she was sacrificing.

"In about two hours, Charlie will be here looking for you. I wouldn't put it past him to involve the police."

"All three of them." She grimaced.

Her frown was proof that she hadn't calculated her father into the equation, which probably meant she hadn't thought about her mother, or school either.

Ending her life willingly so young was a crime in itself, especially considering the pain it would cause her parents.

"In the interest of remaining composed I suggest that we put this conversation off at the very least until Bella finishes high school, and moves out of Charlie's house." I told my family.

"That's a reasonable request, Bella." Carlisle offered.

For the first time tonight I was grateful for my father's input. I was hopeful it would lessen Bella's determination to be changed for a few months.

Bella pursed her lips as she thought.

"I'll consider it." She finally spoke.

My whole body sighed internally with relief.

Before anything more could be discussed I had to get Bella out of there.

I was afraid she would demand to be changed right that moment.

"I should probably take you home. Just in case Charlie wakes up early." I urged.

"After graduation?" Bella asked Carlisle.

"You have my word." He replied.

I gulped back a snarl.

Bella exhaled in relief and smiled at my father, and the promise he had just made her.

"Okay. You can take me home." Bella told me.

I ushered her out of the house before any other exchanges could take place. I did not even give her chance to bid farewell to my family.

After I glimpsed in to each of their thoughts before departing, I left my family mulling over recent events. None of them seemed remotely bothered by what had been decided.

Rosalie's resentment towards Bella resurfaced, but she tried to conceal it. She envied Bella's life, and would exchange anything to become human. I wished Bella could see into Rosalie's mind – to see the things that should be of value to a human.

Esme was concerned for Bella and her family. She didn't want Renee and Charlie to lose their daughter after experiencing the pain losing a child of her own.

Emmett was infuriated that I had destroyed the television and was plotting his revenge.

Alice was grateful that she would not have to fulfil her promise to Bella, thanks to Carlisle.

Carlisle and Jasper were both expecting me to calm down and come to terms with what had been decided on my own. Jasper had understood my anger which is why he had only attempted to control it once.

I had relaxed slightly now that Bella and I had left the house, but I wouldn't come to terms with it...ever.

Bella and I walked silently to the edge of the forest. She climbed up onto my back and I set off running full speed; away from my worst fears, and towards her house.

Neither of us spoke.

The thrill of the speed did nothing to ease my mind; it was still racing with scared and anxious thoughts.

I was furious with my family for plotting my Bella's death.

Determining her life change.

I needed a contingency plan.

I urgently needed to convince Bella to reverse her decision.

I knew she didn't want to grow older and leave me frozen at seventeen; she had been worried about since before her last birthday.

Would she eventually outgrow me if she wasn't changed?

That would devastate me, but I couldn't be so egotistical as to hold Bella back from human experiences.

And if it meant preserving Bella's soul, I would surrender my happiness without hesitation.

Bella had brought me more joy over the months we'd been together than I had experienced in all of my 109 years.

I counted myself extremely fortunate for that.

The perplexed state of my mind was clouding my judgement.

Of course I wanted Bella forever, but I had been immensely selfish already.

Should I add shameless greed and self-indulgence to the already sin filled list?

One side of my brain shouted Yes!

Whilst the other side screamed No!

Bella was so much more important than me.

When we reached Bella's house, I pounced onto the wall without slowing and climbed up through her window. I reached to pull Bella off my back and sit her on the bed.

I was exceedingly thoughtful as I paced the room, eager to have my own epiphany; hoping to discover a way out of this no-win situation.

I didn't want to deny Bella of anything that she wanted, but at the same time I couldn't allow her to be become a vampire.

I didn't want to go up against my family.

How could I avoid this?

There was no alternative. My body sagged as I realised that I had to face up to the inevitable.

Accept it.

The decision had been made.

However, maybe I could convince Bella to prolong her human life somehow.

Just enough to give me time to discover another option, to change her decision, or at least to find a compromise.

Bella interrupted my thoughts.

"Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work."

"Shh. I'm thinking."

"Ugh." She moaned and slumped back onto the bed and pulled the quilt over her head.

A chill washed over me at the disappearance of her face.

I didn't like her concealing her face so I couldn't see its beauty.

I had spent many months without seeing the real thing, with only the image of a memory in mind.

I wanted to capitalise on every second I spent in Bella's presence.

Watching her.

Inhaling her scent.

Listening to her sweet voice.

All of the things I had missed out on doing during my self-imposed exile.

I lay silently next to Bella on her bed, and pulled back the cover to see her. I reached up with my hand to brush her hair from her left cheek.

I felt a profound sense of adoration for her as her chocolate brown eyes bore into mine.

The only way I could exist – the only way I could have a life, was if I was with Bella.

I wanted to be the one to hold her.

The one she told her thoughts to.

The one who would love her more than anything.

The one who made her smile.

The one who would give her whatever she desired, and never ask for anything in return.

The one to comfort and understand her.

The one who would be forever by her side.

I had found my purpose – my other half.

The perfect person, who had completed me.

She had changed me.

She had saved me.

Bella was my angel.

I had my made my decision – I wanted to keep Bella for eternity.

It was what she wanted.

It was what I wanted.

It had been promised.

Decided.

It was inevitable.

I should embrace it.

I would love her unconditionally in this life and the next.

I would do whatever it takes to make her happy.

I didn't want to lose Bella again.

I didn't want to lose the beat in my heart.

I had been born into a traditional world, and when a person found love, they embraced it and kept it forever.

I would ask Bella to become my betrothed.

"If you don't mind, I'd much rather you didn't hide your face. I've lived without it for as long as I can stand. Now...tell me something."

"What?" Bella asked sceptically.

"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?"

I gazed at Bella uncertainly, waiting for her answer; waiting to hear her heart's desire so I could use it as a bargaining tool to negotiate a compromise.

"You." She replied.

I shook my head, incredulous at her failure to grasp the concept that I would always be hers; she would always hold my heart, but it swelled all the same.

"Something you don't already have." I prompted her further.

"I would want… Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want you to change me."

"What would you be willing to trade for that?" I asked quickly, dismissing the vulgar image of myself plunging my teeth into Bella's neck and tasting her delicious blood. The reminder of the taste set my throat on fire, but I easily disregarded it.

Astonished by my unwavering composure Bella blurted out. "Anything."

I couldn't help but grin at her lack of contemplation.

I was confident that she wasn't actually willing to exchange anything; it was just spoken without thought.

"Five years?" I challenged.

A horrified expression crossed her face.

"You said anything." I reminded her.

"Yes, but...you'll use the time to find a way out of it. I have to strike while the iron is hot. Besides, it's just too dangerous to be human – for me at least. So… anything but that."

"Three years?"

"No!"

"Isn't it worth anything to you at all?" I questioned.

If Bella truly wanted this, she would have to be more willing to prolong her humanity.

Bella speculated a moment before answering.

I felt uncomfortable discussing the end of Bella's life.

"Six months?" She tried to compromise, but failed.

Six months was barely longer than the period of time until graduation.

"Not good enough." I said resolutely

"One year, then. That's my limit."

"At least give me two."

"No way. Nineteen I'll do. But I'm not going anywhere near twenty. If you're staying in your teens forever, then so am I."

It was silent for a minute, while I thought to myself.

Imagining what it would be life to spend an eternity with my beloved.

I had never before really allowed myself to think of a future with Bella; not believing it was possible.

However, now, under the circumstances, l let my mind wander –

Living with Bella; sharing a life together.

Sharing a home.

Marrying her – my other half, finally becoming complete; one half of a pair.

The endless years together full of unmapped possibilities.

All my other family members were married.

I had been the solitary wolf.

Now I had found my soul mate, I should treasure that forever.

Why couldn't I have that special connection the Bella?

The commitment of marriage; making her truly mine...forever.

"All right. Forget time limits. If you want me to be the one – then you'll just have to meet one condition."

"Condition? What condition?" Bella said dryly.

I inhaled deeply and gazed into her eyes, trying to disguise my apprehension.

I spoke slowly, enunciating each word precisely.

"Marry me first."

Bella's eyes widened in shock, as she stared at me.

My body was rigid with tension, as I waited for her to respond.

"Okay. What's the punch line?" she said hesitantly.

A stab of painful rejection hit me square in the chest.

"You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it's a joke." I replied, disgruntled.

"Edward, please be serious."

"I am one hundred percent serious."

"Oh, c'mon. I'm only eighteen." Bella said in a voice edged with panic.

"Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down."

Bella turned away from me and redirected her gaze out of the window at the approaching dawn.

The atmosphere was a combination of dismissal mixed with profound anxiety and grief.

"Look, marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of death for Renee and Charlie."

I acknowledged the irony of her words.

"Interesting choice of words." I stated.

"You know what I mean."

I could feel cracks slowly appearing in my newly restored heart, it was breaking...again.

And this time it was because of Bella's refusal to commit to me.

My previous thoughts of Bella just being eager for vampirism and the qualities of eternal life were becoming real.

My doubts were being confirmed.

I had the urge to flee to the freedom of isolation to mull over the rejection.

But, I stayed strong – I wouldn't give up Bella easily.

I knew she loved me.

But the question spiralled in my mind - why wouldn't she marry me?

Was she frightened to make vows of commitment?

"Please don't tell me that you're afraid of commitment."

"That's not it exactly. I'm...afraid of Renee. She has some really intense opinions on getting married before you're thirty."

I was relieved momentarily.

Bella was objecting to marriage based on parental principles, and more overwhelmingly their reactions.

"Because she'd rather you became one of the eternally damned than get married." I chaffed

"You think you're joking."

"Bella, if you compare the level of commitment of marital union as opposed to bartering your soul in exchange for an eternity as a vampire..." I paused, wondering how Bella could be against matrimony, but in favour of becoming a monster. I would never understand the way her mind exerted itself, which made me all the more fascinated by it. There was no mistaking that Bella had an immense amount of courage, however it could be exposed in a different way. Marriage seemed like an inconsequential commitment compared to annihilating her humanity. "If you're not brave enough to marry me, then –"

"Well, what if I did? What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampire in three days?" Bella interjected.

Although I knew she was bluffing, the idea of being able to commit to each other in a lawful ceremony was enticing.

"Sure. I'll get the car." I grinned.

"Dammit. I'll give you eighteen months."

I realised that I had discovered a possible way to extend Bella's human life.

As she had refused my proposal, she wouldn't receive what she wanted until she accepted. Judging by the way she was trying to compromise, I assumed it wasn't likely that she would accept anytime soon.

"No deal. I like this condition."

"Fine. I'll have Carlisle do it when I graduate."

I shrugged. "If that's what you really want."

I smiled brightly, attempting to dazzle her, as she said only I could.

It was successful.

"You're impossible. A monster." She moaned.

"Is that why you won't marry me?"

She grunted.

I leant towards her.

Time seemed to stand still as I gazed into the gateways to her soul.

I yearned after her.

I needed her.

I wanted her to be my wife.

"Please, Bella?" I whispered.

Her heard skipped a beat.

After a long moment, she shook her head and blinked herself out of her astonishment.

"Would this have gone better if I'd time to get a ring?"

"No! No rings!" Bella practically shouted, loud enough to cause her father to awake in the next room.

I heard him groan as he prepared to get up.

Then his mind registered that Bella was safely back home.

_I better go and check on her._ He thought.

"Now you've done it." I mumbled to Bella.

"Oops."

If Charlie was going to come into Bella's room, it meant I had leave.

My presence in the house was forbidden, and Charlie was likely to try and shoot me if he discovered I was here.

I didn't want to leave Bella.

It was physically painful just to think about not being with her.

It was torture to actually be away from her, even more so now after recent events.

The months I'd spent longing for her had increased my need for her presence in my life.

"Charlie's getting up; I'd better leave."

I heard Bella's heart beat stop briefly as panic glistened in her eyes.

Presumably, she was anxious that I might leave and not come back again.

Sadness washed through me; I didn't want her to be anxious or scared.

I would never leave her again.

I took a swift look around the room for a potential place to conceal myself.

The closet in the corner in the room was a big enough to hide me.

"Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet, then?"

"No. Stay. Please." Bella pleaded

I smiled at her warmly, before moving rapidly to the closet and disappearing inside.

I heard Charlie approach Bella's bedroom door.

He hesitated before entering.

He was concerned about how my family's homecoming to Forks would affect Bella. He was certain the effects would not be pleasant.

_I want to know what the hell is going on and why they're back._ Charlie thought.

I listened intently whilst I remained silent and unmoving.

"Morning, Dad." Bella greeted her father as he opened the door.

"Oh, hey, Bella. I didn't know you were awake." Charlie replied, slightly humiliated by being caught checking up on her. He knew that Bella was very independent and didn't like being taken care of by others.

_I thought she'd be asleep._ He thought to himself.

"Yeah. I've just been waiting for you to wake up so I could take a shower."

"Hold on, let's talk for a minute first."

Through the gaps around the closet doors, I saw brightness flood into the room as the light was turned on.

"You know you're in trouble." Charlie said.

"Yeah I know." Bella agreed.

"I just about went crazy these last three days. I come home from Harry's funeral, and you're gone. Jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with Alice Cullen, and that he thought you were in trouble. You didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. I didn't know where you were or when – or if – you were coming back. Do you have any idea...how...how...?" Charlie paused, unable to finish his sentence due to his rising stress levels. He took a deep breath to soothe himself before continuing. "Can you give me one reason why I shouldn't ship you off to Jacksonville this second?"

"Because I won't go." Bella stated bluntly.

"Now just one minute, young lady – "

"Look, Dad." Bella interrupted. "I accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have the right to ground me for as long as you want. I will also do all the chores and laundry and dishes until you think I've learned my lesson. And I guess you're within our rights if you want to kick me out too – but that won't make me go to Florida."

_Since when did she become so forthright and demanding_? _It must be his influence._ Charlie thought, meaning me but not having the respect to even think my name.

"Would you like to explain where you've been?"

"There was...an emergency." Bella replied with nervousness in her voice. Charlie couldn't know the truth and we hadn't discussed an appropriate explanation for Bella's sudden disappearance from Forks.

"I don't know what to tell you, Dad. It was mostly a misunderstanding. He said, she said. It got out of hand."

_Not much of an explanation._ Charlie thought suspiciously, as he waiting for Bella to elaborate.

"See, Alice told Rosalie about me diving off the cliff..."

_WHAT!_ Charlie internally exploded. _Cliff...diving! Diving...off...cliffs!_

He wasn't the only one who was furious with Bella's reckless behaviour; I shared Charlie's anger.

Charlie's shock must have been apparent in his facial expression as Bella stammered to explain.

"I guess I didn't tell you about that. It was nothing. Just messing around, swimming with Jake. Anyway, Rosalie told Edward, and he was upset. She sort of accidently made it sound like I was trying to kill myself or something. He wouldn't answer his phone, so Alice dragged me to...LA, to explain in person."

"Were you trying to kill yourself?" Charlie asked, alarmed.

"No, of course not. Just having fun with Jake. Cliff diving. The La Push kids do it all the time. Like is said, nothing."

He didn't seem convinced.

Charlie's anger increased excessively, so much so that his thoughts were in disarray.

"What's it to Edward Cullen anyway? All this time, he's just left you dangling without a word –"

"Another misunderstanding." Bella interjected.

"So is he back then?"

"I'm not sure what the exact plan is. I think they all are."

Anger pulsated through him.

I could feel his hatred for me.

But he couldn't despise me as much as I despised myself.

_He will ruin all her progress. After what he did to her, how could he show his face around here again? Well, I won't let him destroy her twice._ Charlie thought fiercely, as the same image of his broken hearted daughter that I'd seen only hours before, appeared in his head again.

I winced inaudibly at the reminder of what I had done to Bella. I would forever be remorseful.

"I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don't trust him. He's rotten for you. I won't let him mess you up like that again." Charlie said through gritted teeth.

"Fine." She replied sternly.

I was as stunned as Charlie at Bella's answer.

Was she deceiving her father to avoid an argument?

Or was she actually agreeing with him and making a decision not to see me?

My chest constricted in pain, but I ignored the agony and continued to listen.

"Oh, I thought you were going to be difficult." Charlie said, surprised.

"I am. I meant, 'Fine I'll move out.'"

Charlie fumed with ferocity, whilst the pain in my chest faded.

"Dad, I don't want to move out. I love you. I know you're worried, but you need to trust me on this. And you're going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you want me to live here or not?" Bella said, introducing bribery into the conversation.

"That's not fair Bella. You know I want you to stay."

"Then be nice to Edward, because he's going to be where I am." Bella assured him.

Her words made my heart swell with devotion.

"Not under my roof." Charlie fumed. _Not a chance in hell. _

Bella signed. "Look, I'm not going to give you anymore ultimatums tonight – or I guess it's this morning. Just think about it for a few days, okay? But keep in mind that Edward and I are sort of a package deal."

"Bella –"Charlie started.  
"Think it over. And while you're doing that, could you give me some privacy? I really need a shower."

Charlie stormed out of the room, mumbling coarse language and insults in his head; the majority of them aimed at me.

I felt dreadful for being the cause of Bella's dispute with her father. As soon as I heard Charlie descend the staircase, I exited the confines of my hiding place and sat in the rocking chair on the other side of the room.

Bella chucked her quilt to the end of her bed and got up.

"Sorry about that." She whispered, once she saw me.

"It's not like I don't deserve far worse. Don't start anything with Charlie over me, please."

"Don't worry about it. I will start exactly as much as is necessary, and no more than that. Or are you trying to tell me I have nowhere to go?" Bella asked warily.

"You'd move in with a house full of vampires?" I asked, stunned by her bravery and obvious faith in my family.

"That's probably the safest place for someone like me. Besides, if Charlie kicks me out, then there's no need for a graduation deadline, is there?" She grinned.

I clenched my teeth together to prevent a growl from escaping my lips.

I would have to work on the marriage thing.

Maybe if she knew what it meant to be committed to someone in that way, well maybe she'd understand how wonderful it would be.

"So eager for eternal damnation." I murmured.

"You know you don't really believe that."

"Oh, don't I?" I said with a hint of anger in my voice.

"No. You don't." Bella shot back.

When would she comprehend that vampires were monsters?

Monsters didn't have souls.

I was just about to explain to Bella that I was a soulless creature, but she quickly interceded.

"If you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realised immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But, you didn't – you said _'Amazing. Carlisle was right.'_ – There's hope in you, after all."

I was bewildered by Bella's words.

Speechless.

I'd forgotten that feeling of believing that I had discovered heaven.

That spectacular feeling.

But maybe that was just my subconscious clouding my original judgement.

My mind playing tricks on me.

Now I would never know.

But I still wasn't convinced that vampires had their souls intact.

"So let's both just have faith all right? Not that it matters. If you stay, I don't need heaven." Bella said.

I got up and walked to her at human pace.

I placed my hands on either side of her face and gazed lovingly into her eyes.

"Forever." I promised.


	25. End of Story Note

**End of story note**

I would like to thank all of you who read my fan fiction Dark Moon [Edward's New Moon]

And also for the lovely comments.

I really enjoyed writing this fan fiction and spending time in Edward's head.

At the moment I am working on another fan fiction, which I will begin to post soon.

Once again, thanks for reading!

Love Sophie x


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